Bathroom Secrets Revealed – What he’s really doing in there!

There are a select inquiries that a discerning woman may desire to know about her man in certain situations. During sex, she may wonder “what are you thinking about”?  When he leaves the toilet seat up “why are you so inconsiderate?” when he comes home drunk and urinates in the ficus “why did I marry an idiot?”; or maybe when he conducts one of his marathon bathroom symposiums “what the hell are you doing in there?”.

Aside from the biological necessity, there is a common psychological element among men that drives them to periodically leverage the loo as a makeshift man-cave, as if some cosmic force pulls them towards shiny porcelain stools.

No one ever told me that dropping a deuce should be a drawn out affair. In fact, it wasn’t until my late teens that I had, what appears to be, a genetic desire to read while taking care of business. First it started with whatever haircare or soap product was within reach, but over time my reading graduated to publications such as the Sears Catalogue or that titillating periodical Victoria Secret and has progressed onto more intense volumes as “A Brief History of the Catholic Church” (yet, I’m not Catholic!?!?).

A man’s love affair with the bathroom, outside of its natural requisite, is that it provides for a moment without the distractions of the 21st century. It’s kind of like meditation without namaste or elevator music. It’s here that men are able to completely drop their guard in addition to their trousers; where there are no conference calls, emails, or IM’s. It is simply a moment in time to be completely isolated. Some of my most difficult decisions have been made while in the sitting position, elbows on the knees. It is not uncommon for the lower extremities to fall asleep as we lose all sense of time in our moment of solitude.

It’s been my experience that some women become anxious at how we seemingly squander our bathroom time, because they can take care of business in the time it takes to microwave popcorn so should we. But I would highly encourage my female readers to appreciate her man’s latrine time for what it is and support his proclivity by working to create a pleasant bathroom experience. Here are some high points to get you started:

  • Clean and tidy facilities – meaning the removal of pubs and the black ring.
  • Bountiful rolls of toilet paper can’t be overstated and this is one area where frugality isn’t an attractive characteristic. .
  • An industrial strength plunger that’s easily within arm’s reach.
  • A wide array of reading materials –  (it’s here that a woman can leverage to her benefit) slip in that catalogue with the cute top you like so much circling the appropriate color and size, maybe including bright red in sharpie  “Love it”, “WOW”, etc.
  • A disinfectant spray strong enough to mask the sent of a 4 day old Wildebeest carcass.

Women should have no reason to be annoyed at their man’s restroom exploits but remain confident in the belief that…

  • Taking the Browns to the Super Bowl
  • Dropping the Kids off at the Pool
  • Laying Cable
  • Slaying the Dragon
  • Pinching a Loaf

…is something every man needs in order to be a better man.

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