In the midst of some last minute shopping for the Queen, the realization occurred to me at just how dangerous, as a man, shopping for women can be. When you think about it, the pitfalls are seemingly endless. Like walking a tightrope, one mis-step could land you in the abyss of unrelenting relationship agony for the foreseeable future. While not born with the ‘shopping gene’ as most other men, I have done my fair share of holiday gift buying in the last 20 or so years and have made just about every conceivable purchasing blunder there is. So as a little stocking stuffer, I have chosen to share my hard earned wisdom with my male compadres. In the spirit of Christmas Eve and being a post essential for any half-way respectable male blogger, here is Papa’s list of Holiday Shopping Do’s and Do not’s for your own Queen.
You can thank me later.
- Any item with the words appliance or hardware on the packaging is clearly not an appropriate holiday present. It’s our job to fix the toilet but ss obvious as this seems I’m surprised how many dudes still don’t get this.
- Stay away from clothing items that are sized by number. There’s a reason why most of Victoria Secret’s merchandise is sized S,M,L. We would do well to follow their lead. Buying a 4 when she’s obviously a 2 will not be good for your intimacy. And sizes change from store to store. A medium and White and Black might be a small at Banana Republic.
- Kitchenware, as having personally made this mistake, buying the tea set or the toaster will land you in relational chaos until Valentines Day when you’ll have another chance to do it right.
- Bluejeans – they’re sized by number and women are challenged enough to find jeans that they’ll like we stand no chance of winning this fight.
- Shoes – size by number thing again, then you have to think about comfort, style, and what they can match with. Unless you’re an expert or have a sister stay away from this.
- Hats – you run the risk of having her look like an eskimo or sherpa, leave this to someone else.
- Bras – you’ll just never get this right unless she buys it, wraps it, and puts ‘to her’ ‘from you’ on the tag.
- Underwear – would you really even try? And it isn’t Valentines day so stay away from the the negligee.
- Hair care products – No sir, the $0.99 bottle of Pert isn’t going to be up to the task of managing her $100 hair coloring. Move on.
- You, while the theory of you under the Christmas tree wearing nothing but a bow may sound sexy. It never works out the way it’s planned; the bow falls off, ribbon gets stuck in your butt cheeks, and now you’re embarrassed because we know what cold does to a man’s nether regions.
- When in doubt always go with the smaller size. Otherwise you’ll be back-peddling for an hour trying to answer her question “So, you think I’m fat?!?!”
- Make it personal, preferably something that only she can use. If it’s a gift that anyone can partake in (like bath towels or a coffee cup) it stops being presents and starts becoming supplies.
- Have it professionally wrapped when possible. Duct tape, seagrass string, or a gift with 3 inches of box showing because you ran out of paper isn’t festive, only lame. .
- Buy early, shopping under the “oh crap what am I gonna get her” stress load sets you up for executing one of the faux pas above.
- When in doubt ask her best friend, sister, or mother for advice. In fact, have them go with you.
- Box and wrap each gift individually. You won’t lower your carbon footprint by combining gifts into one. More to open is better. Because everybody loves to rip wrapping.
Merry Christmas, campers!