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Divorce Etiquette. What about the wedding photos?
There’s only been two times in my life where I felt like a rock star. You know, those times when everybody loves you, has all eyes on you, and they hang on your every word.
The first was in the 6th grade when I won the Charlotte Elementary School Stomper Pull-Off (click the link if you need a reminder) after my mother surprised me with a silver, snub-nosed Peterbilt Stomper 4X4 that yanked its entire weight in nails, screws, and washers on a make-shift sled kicking every other elementary kids butt! After that the cutest girl in Mrs. Heath’s class, Tammy Moneypenny, realized I was alive.
The other was my wedding day.
The culmination of nine-months preparation replete with two open bars, DJ, 5-course meal, and a hundred or so of our closest friends and family was the stage for the event. The last addition to these nuptials was a lone photographer whose duty it was to capture the bride and groom in as many poses as feasible without getting smacked for being the paparazzi.
Little could our photographer have imagined that the result of all her just-one-mores, over-to-the-lefts, and scooch-in-a-littles would end up being part of the yours/mine discussion a few years later.
Walk into a married couples home and you’re quick to recognize a wedding photo as the staple of any home décor strategy. From the obnoxious 28×36 photo-shopped canvas hanging over the mantle, to the mundane dollar store binder on the coffee table, showcasing outdated wedding dresses, cumber buns and hideous brides maid attire is a cultural tradition.
But what happens to these memoires should the bride and groom’s vows change from “I do” to “I don’t”?
As the Jap and I were splitting up the martial assets and it came time to discuss the wedding albums (notice the plural) I immediately took one for the team and cheerfully traded my portion for a few beer glasses and a paper-towel rack. I was up for using the prints as kindling for a bond-fire in the middle of the den as sacrifice but she felt otherwise and as far as I know still has them to this day.
But for the life of me I can’t understand why anyone would want them.
Much like an engagement ring whose original purpose has vanished, wouldn’t wedding photos seem to fall in that same category after a divorce? Don’t they represent the celebration of a time when promises were made and feelings where far different, when they felt love and respect instead of hate and contempt for each other? If so, what then would be the reason for keeping them after a divorce?
There seems to be no rational behind who gets them and who doesn’t. I know some divorces where the guy got them and others where the woman, who asked for the divorce, wanted them. No matter, keeping the wedding photos is kind of like wearing your McDonald’s uniform after you’ve gotten fired for burning the french-fries. People just don’t do that.
Does anything change if you get married again? Do they get pulled out after one to many Cabernets for a trip down memory lane? How would the new partner feel to know that the love of their life has kept memories from a time past that didn’t include them? Or is it a sort of long shot bet just in case someone decides to rekindle old flames?
Does it matter if there are children? What kid wants to keep pictures of their parents failed marriage? Are they going to put them on the end table in their apartment to show their friends?
As for me, I say send them to Cracker Barrel. They can use them to decorate their restaurant walls in 50 years.
Oh this is a tough one for me because I am moving and finally taking down all of the photos of us as a family. I’ve decided to keep them and put them in the attic. I think the kids might like to see us when we were happy together, as proof that it did indeed exist.
That’s a good point if your kids experienced and have memories of when you weren’t so happy. For me my kids were still in diapers and have no recollection of another way of life.
I still have my wedding photos from my first marriage. To me they don’t represent a failed marriage. To me they represent a once happy time. They are the part of my past. You can’t erase your past. It’s a past I want my son to be able to look at later in life. I love looking at my mom and dad’s wedding pictures even though they’re divorced. It doesn’t make me sad at all. It makes me think that because of their love, I’m here living my life.
My current husband knows I have those pictures and it doesn’t bother him at all. He hasn’t asked why I have them or asked me to get rid of them. He knows it’s part of my history. At the same time, I don’t sit around and look at them either.
Very mature April, I’d guess that most people don’t approach it the same way and it causes problems for them.
Thanks for swinging in.
I understand the logic of keeping “A” picture for the sake of preserving the past, if only for the sake of my kids. Definitely something I would keep stashed far out of sight. Although now that I think about it, I didn’t take any of our wedding photos when I got divorced, and my ex made an awfully big deal about keeping them, despite the fact that she had the lion’s share of the blame for torpedoing the marriage. Funny.
Love is definitely not a rational thing, and I suspect your ex was harboring far more feelings than she was prepared to admit. Those photos represent the highest idealization of that love. Crazy as it may seem, for some people the photos are the last way to hold on to that moment.
As always, a great point and a great post Papa.
- DT
DT, same here to, she sent the relationship packing but wanted to keep them. Whatever.
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My ex kept the pictures and I was was suprised one day when I went to pick up the boys that he’d pulled them out and had gone through them with the boys, and his stepdaughters and his new wife (one of our sons had been asking about an old friend of his and the only pictures of him were from our wedding). I love that he sees that part of our life as a happy time he doesn’t have to pretend didn’t happen. We both think its important our boys know where they come from.
I think his new wife was ok with it – I know I looked at their wedding pictures and while it was kind of uncomfortable, their marriage is an important part of my boys’ life narrative, and consequently, I want to know about it.
Thanks Rebecca, you bring up a valid point that acting like it didn’t happen could certainly send the wrong message to children should they ever ask. It was part of life just factoring that in seems to be awkward.
If there are kids involved I understand by my boyfriend’s ex wife keeps all the photos of them together up together on facebook. It’s been two years since they separated. I find it annoying and odd.
Weddings are family events. Perhaps they shouldn’t be but, they are. Plans are made for such events many years prior to the presentation of the groom or bride to the family. It’s not just the bride or the groom involved in the planning for that special day. A daughter and some sons even, plan for this day many years prior to the actual day of the wedding. My groom was hardly involved in the wedding at all; my mother was very involved. I was a young bride and she paid for everything that had to do with the wedding. It was a very beautiful wedding although nothing like the expensive weddings we have today. I divorced after 33 years of marriage. But I still enjoy the wedding that my mother and I accomplished. You should see all the pictures of my large family who came and celebrated with us. My husband was introduced to my entire family at that time. We began our lives together. I would never destroy the pictures of my wedding. That is the guy that I married. When I get married again, I’ll have another wonderful celebration to enjoy with my family. So what if it all didn’t work out on into forever? The pictures were of me too and my family and we were at our best that day in time. It was my day that was promised to me. My mother took me to the city and bought be the dress I chose to wear. She made the church and the fellowship hall so lovely to honor me. Why would I let the decision of some guy out there that couldn’t be a decent husband change that experience for me and my mother? My children were born of people who chose to be married and we loved our kids. We were and are good parents to this day. We just don’t choose to be married to each other and for very good reasons. Don’t let someone steal your dreams from you. Your wedding was a dream come true in many cases. Mine was for sure. My daughter feels like many of you do. Today is her wedding anniversary but she is now divorced. I never get the chance to enjoy the beautiful wedding that I gave to my daughter; we never relive the past in that respect. But I gave her a gift of a wedding and it had nothing to do with her husband. He was the man of her choice but her wedding was planned all during her growing up. After every wedding we went to in our large family, we would think of how we would want her wedding to be. I would love to remember all the details of the wedding with her but, she wants to forget all of it. What about the other people involved in your wedding? I know my wedding picture hung on my mother’s wall long after my divorce. She bought and paid for that portrait many times over. I feel the same way about my daughter’s wedding. People don’t have to stay married but what does the wedding have to do with the divorce? Young men and women today should move forward in their lives but the past cannot be changed by pretending it didn’t even happen. A marriage is not a mistake just because you get a divorce. Marry as many times as you like and take pictures of your happiness. It is just a legal arrangement. I think my daughter and others are making too much of the change of status.
My ex was a freaking David Tutura, with his input on our wedding. And, he insisted on having pictures in our album that were unflattering of certain family members. As in, there was no real reason to have the picture in the album other than to be mean. At one point he sent my attorney a proposal to divide the wedding pictures. Hello, wtf would I do w/ pictures of my fake marriage?? And there is no point in keeping pictures for our children, since they would just be a reminder of what a liar their father is. The wedding album currently sits on his coffee table. And, the kids counted 15 framed pictures of them on his dresser. That I find kind of funny, because during our marriage we actually had a few arguments about me always taking the kids to get pictures taken, and having them framed. He didn’t want ANY pictures on the dresser (“you can’t even lay your clothes out”) or in his office (“its for business, not kid stuff”). But now that we’re divorced, he needs proof that he’s not gay, thus the love fest w/ pictures. I’m w/ you; set that crap on fire and move on.
I have a story about wedding pictures for you. A friend of mine has a BIL that has been married several times. Each marriage is very emotional and ends BADLY. One time, the wife was leaving and wanted all their pictures. As she left, he could hear her outside talking to a neighbor about how HE had “forgotten what marriage was about”. He was so angry, that he took their giant, over the fireplace, wedding picture and dropped it off the balcony, with the comment, “YOU forgot something too”.
my dad doesnt want to be in my nephews wedding pictures with my mom, his exwife….i thought well, maybe his current wife should be in the pics next to him and my mom on the other side of groom & bride???
I would feel the same. Put the current wife in the photo.
After my wife left 7 months ago, I still have the wedding pictures. Being the sadist that I am, I actually looked through them recently. It made me sad, but I looked back on our wedding, and marriage, with fondness. I will keep them, in many years from now our son will look at them and will hopefully be pleased to see them.
I doubt my wife will want them. One of the most hurtful discoveries I made after she left was all of the pictures she found of me, framed or in a pack, bundled into one of the cupboards in our bedroom. After all our years together, not only did she no longer love me but she felt it neccesary to effectively wipe me from her world.
So yeah, I doubt she will want them.
I’ve been divorced 7 years now, I think. No kids. I still have the photos and I’ve been thinking of getting rid of most of them. I’m not resentful and I’d like to let them go in a nicer way then the trash or burning. Does anyone have any ideas?
Shannon, I would give them back to him. I think that is the most respectful and real thing you can do. “These photos represent a former life and I want to move forward with my new one. I am giving these to you as a form of closure for me to do with as you will.’
Good luck!
I got rid of my wedding photos a few months after my divorce. My spouse was an abusive drunk, and our divorce wasn’t easy. Getting rid of and burning some things was a type of therapy for me to shed some of the anger and resentment and reach for a new beginning.
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I kept my album. That is a chapter of my life, regardless of the outcome, and is a part of my story. I still have photos from high school and college… friends I haven’t contacted in years, old boyfriends, etc… all represent a part of who I am right now. Also, there are elderly relatives from both his side of the family and mine, that are now deceased, who attended the wedding and whose likeness was captured that day, too. If nothing else, the album is a piece of the family story for my daughter, too.
My little girl was 4 when we separated. Someday, when she is bigger, she might be curious about our wedding, or what my dress looked like, etc. Even though the marriage is over, that relationship resulted in a beautiful little girl that might want to know something about that piece of HER story, too. So, the album lives in a dark corner on the top shelf of the closet in my guest room. I know it’s there, I haven’t had it out in ages, but, should the day come when my daughter wants to see, it is there for her to look at. And, when she is grown, if she doesn’t want it, I’m fine with it going in the trash. When my ex moved out, I got rid of the wedding photos that were out in frames, and kept just the album. I kept, but put away, the photos from my maternity session with my ex, photos of the 3 of us together, etc. Those are also part of my daughter’s story, and of a different chapter, pre-divorce, in her life, as well. I found more catharsis in getting new portraits taken of just my daughter and I together about a month before the divorce was finalized, looking happy and full of joy, and displaying them in my living room, than I did when I got rid of the framed wedding pics.