Tonya was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen – at least to the eyes of a 7th grader. The whole year I’d employed every move in my paltry arsenal working for a check mark on the ‘yes’ box. I’d walk her to class, the bus, and even carry her books, but she was either born to play hard-to-get or she was wickedly cruel. With the last day of school fast approaching I soon realized the gravity of the situation. Summer was starting and a lifetime would pass between now and the 8th grade and she needed something to remember me by. It was then I knew there was only one thing to do.
Finding her cleaning out her locker I walked up in an awkwardly cool sort of way. Upon offering her best summer wishes I leaned in heart racing, eyes closed, lips pursed and like a scene out of Weird Science my forehead slams into the cold metal as she quickly closes her locker door. Reeling dazed and utterly embarrassed I play it off as cool as I can and slug off in shame at my epic fail. But forever the optimist I was filled with hope the entire summer as I imagined the scene ending differently. With her head spinning from my suaveness I dreamt that Tonya and I were now in teen romantic bliss. I imagined the calls we had every day telling me she missed me while we talked about the new school year and all we’d do. As August arrived I hoped Tonya would have forgotten my wankerness. Fortunately she did unfortunately it didn’t matter, within days she was the newest girlfriend of John the star tailback and I was left to nurse my wounds the rest of the year.
That summer break wouldn’t be the only time I, as a young lad, would pretend to have an girlfriend. Sometimes these make believe sweethearts were girls who actually existed, other times they were as made up as the relationship status we were in. For a right-brained kid I had potent creative juices but forrtunately age and the onset girls who wouldn’t diss me meant I could put my artistic powers to other uses.
I don’t think there has ever been a kid, boy or girl, who hasn’t imagined their secret crush as more than just secret -it’s as common as pimples and rolling our eyes at our parents. But as with most insecure awkward teens the fantasy-fest usually stays locked within the confines of their own minds and the worst that happens being make-out sessions with a pillow or good night kisses on the back of a hand.
But that was then this is an app-for-everything 2011. Technology is a great. I mean not only can I order PF Changs Gluten free from my iPhone I can date Lady Gaga and prove it to you:
Hate the game, not the player.
This is all thanks to the latest website that makes me question the future of the human race. Started in April 2011, fakegirlfriend.co is a free service that allows guys in basements the world over to once and for all prove that lack of employment and good oral hygiene doesn’t mean you can’t get a date.
The mission is simple:
Are you tired of being embarrassed by the fact that you don’t have a girlfriend? Do you wish that you could get interrupted by a loving text during man time?
According to the founder’s twitter page there are already 150,000 lonely insecure users and growing quickly. The only thing more alarming about the concept is it’s ease of use.
Got a high school class reunion and need to show the old bro’s you’re dating a hottie? Problem solved. After set-up verytime a text is sent within minutes you get a response with a cute little message of affection. While I totally commend this guy for filling a need no one else thought of there is no way I could let this go without talking about it. I get it that we now live in a world where the lines between reality and make-believe are gone; with the Internet, Facebook, Twitter and blogs I can quickly create a new persona and become anyone I want to be with the stroke of a few keys. But I’ve got to ask, isn’t this taking it a bit far? Is this a tad pathetic or is it just me?
Need I remind anyone that my imaginary love affairs happened in middle school, but like Saturday morning cartoons I out grew them. Seriously, how does a guy even pull this off? I’m just going to say it – if you have to go to these extremes the fact that you don’t have a girlfriend is the least of your problems. My friend you need professional help, quickly.
Mark my words, any guy this desperate will one day shop for a wife in Chechnya.