Need a girlfriend, fast? There’s an app for that.

© by briannaorg


Tonya was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen – at least to the eyes of a 7th grader. The whole year I’d employed every move in my paltry arsenal working for a check mark on the ‘yes’ box. I’d walk her to class, the bus, and even carry her books, but she was either born to play hard-to-get or she was wickedly cruel. With the last day of school fast approaching I soon realized the gravity of the situation. Summer was starting and a lifetime would pass between now and the 8th grade and she needed something to remember me by.  It was then I knew there was only one thing to do.

Finding her cleaning out her locker I walked up in an awkwardly cool sort of way. Upon offering her best summer wishes I leaned in heart racing, eyes closed,  lips pursed and like a scene out of Weird Science my forehead slams into the cold metal as she quickly closes her locker door.  Reeling dazed and utterly embarrassed I play it off as cool as I can and slug off in shame at my epic fail. But forever the optimist I was filled with hope the entire summer as I imagined the scene ending differently. With her head spinning from my suaveness I dreamt that Tonya and I were now in teen romantic bliss. I imagined the calls we had every day telling me she missed me while we talked about the new school year and all we’d do. As August arrived I hoped Tonya would have forgotten my wankerness. Fortunately she did unfortunately it didn’t matter, within days she was the newest girlfriend of John the star tailback and I was left to nurse my wounds the rest of the year.

That summer break wouldn’t be the only time I, as a young lad, would pretend to have an girlfriend. Sometimes these make believe sweethearts were girls who actually existed, other times they were as made up as the relationship status we were in. For a right-brained kid I had potent creative juices but forrtunately age and the onset girls who wouldn’t diss me meant I could put my artistic powers to other uses.

I don’t think there has ever been a kid, boy or girl, who hasn’t imagined their secret crush as more than just secret -it’s as common as pimples and rolling our eyes at our parents. But as with most insecure awkward teens the fantasy-fest usually stays locked within the confines of their own minds and the worst that happens being make-out sessions with a pillow or good night kisses on the back of a hand.

But that was then this is an app-for-everything 2011. Technology is a great. I mean not only can I order PF Changs Gluten free from my iPhone I can date Lady Gaga and prove it to you:

Hate the game, not the player.

This is all thanks to the latest website that makes me question the future of the human race. Started in April 2011, is a free service that allows guys in basements the world over to once and for all prove that lack of employment and good oral hygiene doesn’t mean you can’t get a date.

The mission is simple:

Are you tired of being embarrassed by the fact that you don’t have a girlfriend?
Do you wish that you could get interrupted by a loving text during man time?

According to the founder’s twitter page there are already 150,000 lonely insecure users and growing quickly.  The only thing more alarming about the concept is it’s ease of use.

Got a high school class reunion and need to show the old bro’s you’re dating a hottie? Problem solved. After set-up verytime a text is sent within minutes you get a response with a cute little message of affection. While I totally commend this guy for filling a need no one else thought of there is no way I could let this go without talking about it. I get it that we now live in a world where the lines between reality and make-believe are gone; with the Internet, Facebook, Twitter and blogs I can quickly create a new persona and become anyone I want to be with the stroke of a few keys. But I’ve got to ask, isn’t this taking it a bit far? Is this a tad pathetic or is it just me?

Need I remind anyone that my imaginary love affairs happened in middle school, but like Saturday morning cartoons I out grew them. Seriously, how does a guy even pull this off? I’m just going to say it – if you have to go to these extremes the fact that you don’t have a girlfriend is the least of your problems. My friend you need professional help, quickly.

Mark my words, any guy this desperate will one day shop for a wife in Chechnya.

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14 responses to Need a girlfriend, fast? There’s an app for that.

  1. Anonymous

    Hahaha! That’s ridiculous! What kind of loser would ever use that?

    So…what was he name of that app? You know, just for referencing purposes.

  2. And I wrote a post on why women should have fake boyfriends. I’m telling you, this is some weird shit. Funny if you’re joking. Weird and creepy if you’re really using it to fool people. Grown ups especially. You have serious problems if you build an entire imaginary relationship with fake texts and phone calls.

  3. T

    Wow, really?!? And yes, kudos for this guy for finding a niche but how sad for the people who use it!

  4. And I thought the problem was guys were too critical and simply didn´t wish to commit. I never thought about the fact they were being rejected left and right as well. Adolescent life is vicious. Thank goodness we eventually grow up and communicate.

    However, users of this app may never mature enough to reap the awards of love.Kimberly

  5. So . . . did you ever run into Tonya again? I have a friend who nursed a crush all the way through college. I think he even asked her out once, but she turned him down. Years later they met again and married. When he asked her about the college years, she said she had felt too miserable to go out with anyone.

  6. Good question Wolf, and no I didn’t. As we got into high school we were in different clicks and that was fine with me. 

  7. Papa – Author

    That’s too funny dude. I’m going to let this comment post and you have to tell us if somebody emails you.

Comments are closed.