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You named him what?!? – 4 basics of naming boys.
via Google
There was a time when I hated my name – Kyle. It drips with metro-sexuality and your kids already know this – Kyle was the man-boy chauffeur in Shrek 2. And growing up in the backwoods of Tennessee its lack of redneck made going to school just peachy. Southern drawls struggle to properly enunciate the ‘ayl’, which resulted in my extensive experience with diction correction. For the record it’s Kyle (kayhl), not Kale, Kule, Kele, Kole, or a variation thereof.
For boys with my name two things are guaranteed (1) He’ll never get picked first, but being in the middle of the alphabet often has its advantages. (2) He’s sure to be referred to as ‘cow’, ‘calf’, ‘cowboy’, or some other bovine related moniker. The latter of which I was fortunate enough to enjoy often in elementary school; but with time, higher education, and making friends with people who understand proper oral hygiene my distress over that given name eventually eased. By my college days the heifer link disappeared to be replaced with “Killer Kyle” – and at 120 pounds it had little to do with my menacing demeanor. Today that term of endearment only comes out at fraternity reunions with open bars.
Kyle from Shrek 2, clearly not heterosexual
When I discovered I was to have a son what to name him became a big deal. As the highlight reels of my youth started playing, I was determined to bestow a designation he wouldn’t rush downtown to change the first chance he got. And in my quest for perfection I devised four essentials that can make for a kick-ass boy’s name.
- The most important was his name had to be one syllable. On this point there was no negotiation. Recount some of the biggest names out there– all one syllable – Bill Gates, Tom Cruise, Steve Jobs, Mark Zuckerberg, Will Smith…I could go on.
- His name couldn’t end in ‘ie’ or ‘ey’. There are very few men with names like Timmie, Donnie, or Jimmy who aren’t in prison – and would you trust anyone who went by Sammy?
- His name had to be more than three letters. Why? This isn’t 1953 and I’m not that lazy. There are way to many Bob’s, Hal’s, and Ira’s in the world and most are over 65. How many twenty year olds do you know named Abe?
- It had to be a name, when pronounced, punched you in the mouth. The name Kyle smacks you on the ass then offers you a Starbucks while Stone pulls out a switchblade and takes your wallet.
Had it been totally up to me I’d have named my son Steel. I mean seriously, who would ever mess with a kid named after iron-ore? Any Fortune 100 Company would hire him for the executive suite just so they could put his name on the annual report. And what girl wouldn’t date that guy? Cindy loves Steel.
Now before anyone starts to bow up and defend their Reginald, Pearson, Jensen, or Lawrence these were just my requirements. I’m sure you bundle of joy is still the greatest thing since sliced bread – he’ll just be the slice of bread that works for my slice of bread.
True story, when I was a sophomore in college I roomed in a dorm with 12 other guys. One of those roommates had arguably the worse name in recorded history – to the point of being immoral.
Norman Eugene Ledbetter
I’m not witty enough make that up. Twenty years later and I still remember Eugene (as he went by). A plant biology major he had this knack of sitting right in front of the TV and freakishly rocking back-and-forth without a word. It goes without saying he never brought a girl over. I’m convinced that today Eugene is either an Internet billionaire kicking it in Tahiti or he’s in a mental institution for life.
I couldn’t get buy-in on the metal alloy spinoff so we settled on something less dramatic – Grant. If it all should go south and he ends up managing a 7/11 in Milwaukee - at least he can’t blame it on his name.
And what better way to end this post than with the best song ever about a really bad name.
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Good post! Is it sad that I didn’t start going by Ken until college?
We have a lot of Kyles around here, in fact there are 2 in my family. I thought it was pronounced KILE like aisle but with a K. are u trying to tell me we’ve been saying my cousins’ names wrong my whole life? Shut. Your. Mouth.
I don’t see nothing wrong with naming a kid Steel. But if you’re going with metal I’d pick TIN. Now that’s badass.
You know what’s hella popular right now? Bacon. Bacon is in everything. You’d have a popular ass kid if you named him/her bacon. Just sayin.
Anyhoo suckas. I won a Chopper Couture wet tee. I’m here to win another.
Hmm interesting topic for sure. My son’s name was a ‘quickie’ because he was born premature and the ex and I were on names stand-off at the time.
But yeah Steel sounds cool!
Grant is good but Steel? I’m so sad you didn’t get that one. GREAT name.
My husband & I went for place names for our son…huz is from Jakarta, on the Island of Java. I’m from Kingston in Canada. Java Kingston it is. (And he’s a year younger than Gwen Stephani’s Kingston, so we get the originality points!) Only had one person ever say, “Your son’s name is Java? No wonder he’s so hyper!” Um, yeah. But no. He’s not. :)
When I moved to VA and I heard people pronouncing your name like Kile with a heavy accent on the “I” I didn’t know what the hell they were saying.
I didn’t have a strategy when thinking of a name for my son. I just knew it was it when I heard it. I was telling a friend of mine I was pregnant and he said, “My friend Ethan and his wife just found out they’re going to have a baby as well.” That’s when it hit me. ETHAN! The name just stuck with me and I love it.
My ex-husband’s birth name is Lloyd but he goes by Sammy. You’re so right that you can’t trust someone with that name. Ha ha!
Love the name Grant, by the way.
For the longest time I wanted to name my kid Cain. There is an actual name, Kane, but Kane is a guy with a Steven Seagal pony tail who has no guy friends because he’s an ass but at least he gets laid a lot.
My wife had other plans, but I think it worked out for the best. Nobody wants to be named Cain.
I have always liked the name Kyle!
I married a Norwegian named Erling (Ah-ling), and man could our professors in Montgomery, AL mess that up! The thought of continuing the numbers by naming our son after him was tough, but we bit the bullet and did. Son number 2 is Esten. They both will most likely hate us forever.
Love Cash´s Sue!
Signed,
Kim (The MOST boring name ever)
My vote would’ve been for Steel – INSTANT badass points! I see your logic perfectly. While named Thomas, my folks thought “Toby” was a cute nickname… and I got ragged for it mercilessly until I changed schools in Junior High, and a new nickname. My boys are Chris and Bryan. Keepin’ it simple ’round here…
I thought of A Boy Named Sue as soon as I saw the title of the post. Grant is better than Sue. Steel might sound more badass, but I imagine a name like that would cause much initial concern for the parents of teenage girls. You wouldn’t want to hinder him in *that* department.
Well, we didn’t call you Kyle in school. You were Duck. Is that better?
I just knew, knew, knew you were going to link The Man in Black on this one. <3 (Also, like 'Sue,' you may well be more resilient and scrappy for 'Kyle'.) I gotta point out that 'Steel' would have been a fine name for a fella who came out gay, too, depending on his personality. (… and there would have been 'Stella' if he went Chaz Bono on ya.)
Steel is a male porn star name. Grant was absolutely the correct choice. Well played my friend. Well played.
Oh, dude, this is way funny!
Husband is half pretty boy and half hunter. His sister dresses her boys in the little outfits that say, “My name could be Kyle.” I’m scared if we have a boy she’ll give us one of these as a gift, or hand-me-down.
Our choice for boy name (for the last one) was John Hollis. For the next one, I really want Texas. but Steel will do.
Thanks so much for the laugh and the tips!
You can go overboard with this. I knew a Thor once. It wasn’t pretty. His parents might as well have named him Zelig (the name of a boy in my kid’s kindergarten class. Seriously, what were those parents thinking?)