Unlike the “What I’m thankful for” post at Thanksgiving, which I will never do, I am writing a Christmas post. There are countless articles about the worst Christmas songs of all time, except there’s only one problem with most – I don’t recognize many of the songs they included. For example, John Denver’s Daddy don’t get drunk this Christmas – never heard of it. Yes it is dreadful and I may have grown up under a rock – l but I need a point of reference.
Music executives, being the original geniuses they are, feel that the listening public just can’t get enough holiday music covers by the year’s current one-hit-wonder. In some extremely rare cases the song is an original, which makes the pain all the more unbearable. At least a remake of something like The Christmas Song allows me to imagine how it ought to sound – sung by Nat King Cole the only person that should have ever been allowed to record it. On a side note, I noticed that Lady GaGa has her first Christmas album out, called A Very GaGa Holiday. I find it odd that the love-child of Satan would be celebrating the birth of Christ but stranger things have happened – Ricky Martin did try to convince the world he wasn’t gay.
So this is the definitive 5 worst Christmas songs that we all know. There were many more I could have added but these represent the very worst the music industry has to offer. So throw a bit more rum in the eggnog, tighten down those earmuffs, and enjoy this holiday edition of RetroRewind.
Little Saint Nick (Beach Boys) If you’re a band whose image is California and surfing you aren’t allowed to cover any Christmas songs, ever. This version is no less horrendous than a Pearl Jam cover of Away in a Manger might sound. I have never possessed the fortitude to suffer through the entire 3:12 of this slop, and this time I made it to :09 seconds before I wanted to throw my Mac into the fireplace.
A wonderful Christmas Time (Paul McCartney) Yes you’re the #2 man in arguably the biggest band in human history which changed the face of music forever. That doesn’t give you carte blanche to put out any pile of dog poo you like. This song is painful, doesn’t get me in the Holiday spirit, and makes me want to reach for a loaded revolver.
I want a hippopotamus for Christmas (Shirley Temple) I am aware that you were one of the biggest child stars who ever lived, which somehow convinced two presidents to offer you Ambassadorships of Ghana and Czechoslovakia, but that doesn’t get you off being shipped to Siberia for this travesty. I’m certain everybody thought it was just adorable how a little girl wants a two-ton herbivorous mammal as a Christmas gift but we really didn’t need to hear a song about it.
Santa Claus is Coming to Town (Jackson 5) Michael, Tito, and Jermaine, God knows that I love you. I really do. Without your bloodline we’d never have the moonwalk or your sister Janet. But for Mother Mary full of grace why was it necessary to butcher this classic? The entire song I keep wondering if the record is skipping.
Jingle Bells (barking dogs) I’m willing to pay for a year’s worth of therapy to the person(s) responsible for this carnage. They clearly have no social life and in all probability are still virgins.This alone is irrefutable proof that the human race is circling the drain.
So am I right – or am I right?
Happy Holidays campers!