It is the most wonderful time of the year! And I’m completely aware that the holiday season is now in the rear view mirror. No, it’s the most wonderful time of the year because that most precious and joyous of holidays is soon upon us. That celebration of love, romance, and $100 bouquets of roses; that observance which makes us feel giddy, glum, guilty, or glad all at the same time.
I’m talking about St. Valentine’s Day, or as men in the western hemisphere call it – Valenstress Day! The Most Stressful Day of the Year.
Any heterosexual man who says he enjoys Valentine’s Day is lying. Period. Oh, he might tell is wife, girlfriend, friend-with-benefits he can’t wait until February 14th but it’s just smoke and mirrors. Secretly he wishes he could suddenly fall into a coma and not come out until March.
There are numerous reasons on why men abhor this holiday, but in the final analysis it boils down to just two.
I could also add that this holiday is totally one-sided. I mean really, when was the last time you saw a commercial with a woman shopping for her man’s Valentine’s Day present, or for that matter, even showing an ounce of anxiety about it, but I digress.
It seems no matter how long the couple has been together, whether they are dating or married, or even if the relationship is in the crapper the point eventually arrives each year where the man faces the issue “What am I going to get her for Valentine’s Day?” If he’s lucky and they’ve been married for 25 years then there may already be a routine, kind of like sushi every Tuesday night. He knows she thinks flowers are a waste and would rather have a day at the spa- perfect! Or maybe all she wants are flowers sent to the office and an afternoon to herself – no problem.
But what if you’ve just started dating? Now the decision takes on a whole new level of importance. Because, like it or not, how he handles the first Valentine’s Day will determine if there is another and how all future ones, and for that matter all holidays, will be as long as you both are together.
I met the Queen in early January exactly 35 days before February 14th. When I came to the realization that our courtship was going to be something much more I started to feverishly worry about what to do for the first Valentine’s Day. I knew that I liked her and we had something special so I wanted our first Valentine’s Day to be memorable, BUT I also didn’t want to go overboard so when next Valentine’s Day came around I’d have to buy her a Maserati to outdo the first one.
Executing a proper first Valentine’s Day is as delicate as brain surgery. Should it go wrong then chances are you won’t be around for next years and the potential for screwing it up is as high as stepping on a land mine in the DMZ. For one, the guy could just not do anything claiming they haven’t been together long enough – in which case you’re an idiot and deserve what you will get. He could go the Dollar Store cheap route and convince her she’s dating her ex husband again. Or he could go the lame cliché route and give her a dozen roses and box of Godiva chocolates, and while he’s patting himself on the back for the home-run he thinks he hit, she’ll be shaking her head in disbelief at his lack of imagination.
My friend, take it from somebody who knows, orchestrating the perfect first Valentine’s Day is an art form that requires a bit of planning, luck, and a lot of hard work. So I am going to give you the recipe for a perfect inaugural Valentine’s Day for your new pookie and believe me when I tell you it WILL work. She’ll be so impressed with your creativity and tirelessness she’ll be yours forever.
Now in advance you’re going to let her know that she should come over to your house for Valentine’s Day. When she shows up to your candle-lit filled house with romantic music in the background (which I will be providing a soundtrack for in an upcoming post) she will immediately realize she’s in for a special occasion. Pour her a glass of wine or make her favorite cocktail. At this point she’s going to begin to notice that you’re making something and she will invariably ask how she can help, to which you’ll say “just sit there and look beautiful”.
And here’s where the magic starts, when you’re ready you are going to cook the meal in front of her. Pure rockstar!!! You can brag how you trained under Wolfgang Puck before striking out on your own. Or how you’ve never done this before, whatever. Finally when dinner is ready, and to finish it off, you lay out the card and rose on her place setting, to which she will in all likelihood faint from all the thick romance in the air.
At this point I assume you can take it in for the score (no pun intended)
My man, let me tell you, she will be impressed because you will have made the perfect statement and you will not look like a Guido douche. How do I know? The Queen and I just celebrated three years together and she still talks about our first Valentine’s Day. BOO-YAA!
Ladies my advice to you is simple, look hot and prepare to be amazed. Oh, and don’t forget the Jack Daniels.
Happy Valenstress Day everyone, you can thank me later.