He’s cheating on you, with his wife.

My writing style lends itself to the creation of ambiance, which I attempt to manifest through some slight of hand, maybe the telling of a personal life story, and in some cases vicariously through the beautiful disasters of another. I find that using real world illustrations help me to stay on point, not confuse the reader entirely, and hopefully keep them awake.

But this post will have none of that.

This change is primarily to protect the innocent or the guilty but more precisely to keep from embarrassing the utterly stupid. Unfortunate as it is, the moronic have yet to discover their current station in life and I don’t wish to ruin the surprise for them. So with that being said I’m going to forego pulling out my paintbrushes and get right to the point.

•♦•

It doesn’t matter when it is or where I am at if I see a blog post, article, or television episode concerning infidelity, cheating, or sleeping around I have to investigate further. Like the driver who slows traffic so he can get a better look at the car wreck, I just can’t help it. Undoubtedly some of it has to do with my own ass kicking at the ugly end of an affair, but also so many of these stories are just too fascinating to pass over. In most cases the anecdotes are little more than a 1000 word bitch sessions about how some husband left his wife and marriage of 10, 20 or 30 years for the hottie clerk in accounting who is young enough to be his daughter. Bearing no blame in the affair, the shunned wife professes she was the perfect spouse while he was and is nothing but a scumbag. Yet as sad as these tales of woe may be it’s far too cliché and candidly bores me.

But every so often I’ll stumble across a random article slanted towards ‘other woman’. In an almost court transcript like fashion, the writer starts by confessing she was involved with a married man, that it wasn’t the right thing to do and swears she tried everything she could to end it but she just didn’t have the strength to walk away or did but quickly came back. Retold with emotion and regret the reader  almost empathizes with her and concedes to her notion that love doesn’t always make sense.

But notice I said almost feel sorry, that is until this paramour commences to rip the married boyfriend apart after he maliciously broke her heart by deciding to ‘work it out” with his estranged wife even though he swore they were totally finished. She points out all of the promises made during their pillow talks and how he claimed she was everything his wife wasn’t. She talks about how he promised they would be together forever as soon as he ’finalized the papers’ and how he wished they didn’t have to sneak around so much. It’s after giving this play-by-play of how wrong she was treated that she finally declares, “love is dead”, “all men are liars”, and lesbianism or a nunnery might be the only viable option.

This is usually the point where I’m gasping for breath between my outbursts of uncontrollable laughter.

•♦•

I’ll admit that I grew up quite cloistered and will even confess that my naivety has been a character downfall in the past. I don’t claim to be extremely street smart and often hold individuals in higher regard than they warrant. And maybe I’m not the most in-touch with the times and possibly there are parts of this current culture that have gone over my head. But while my perception of reality may be a bit Leave it to Beaver, for the life of me I could never have imagined the ‘mistress’ actually existed – as in real life here in the 21st century.

Now let me be clear I’m not talking about the term used loosely as mistress for a hooker or the one client call girl both of which are ultimately out to pay the rent. Instead, I’m talking about the mistress who seems in it for the long haul, she’s there for emotional reasons. That ‘other woman’ who is patiently waiting for her man to abandon his wife and children so they can finally start the family of her dreams and in the mean time would rather have him part-time than not at all. I’m talking about the one who knows full well, whether admittedly or not, that he is married but has convinced herself “they’re almost divorced anyway, they don’t sleep in the same bed together, and he’s getting ready to file the paperwork”. All kidding aside people, I honestly thought this was just a reality TV story line to hook in bored housewives and bitter divorcees.

But the numbers don’t seem to lie. Think about this, it’s been estimated that over half of all married men cheat while less than 30% of married women cheat. That 20 point spread means prostitution is more prolific than I think, dad is hooking up more than his college aged son, or there are an abundance of lonely sad desperate single women in the world who can’t seem to find any legitimately available men.

•♦•

I’ve always prided myself on seeing things from the other person’s point of view. I totally get both sides of the gay marriage debate and I can sympathize either way with the Occupy movement. It’s a valuable skill set honed through years of executive management and co-parenting; so I feel pretty good saying if I pass judgment on someone or something I’ve looked at all the angles.

So I’ve put this whole dating-a-married-man nonsense through the stress test and it just doesn’t add up. Here’s where I get confused. How does the mistress sell herself on the fact that he’s with her one night and with his wife the next? What does she think to herself as he’s in the other room saying goodnight to his wife and kids? What thoughts go through her mind when she’s reminded how her  life is stuck in neutral waiting for him to tie up loose ends with that other thing? How does she get used to the fact that she’s hurting people she doesn’t even know? And if she’s completely self-centered with the blackest of souls and it’s all about her how does she get by knowing he’s cheating on her, with his wife?

We’ve all heard the stories of executives; celebrities or lawmakers who kept a mistress for years, sometimes decades as he went about living two separate lives. These women can’t make the argument they didn’t know about the marriage, which by the way is quickly becoming a worn-out lame excuse. If a woman has been seeing a man for more than a month she’s not going to convince me she didn’t know he’s married, or at the least something is seriously up. And let’s say the whole thing started out as a ‘mutual agreement’ like a giant really screwed up barter arrangement. He gets laid, she gets free rent.  First, that’s makes her a prostitute but second, I’m not persuaded it doesn’t eventually become something more and feelings start getting in the way, especially for her because douchebags are especially adept at compartmentalizing.

And here’s my last point in all of this. Which happens to be the main head scratcher I have with affairs in general. Let’s just say that he does cut bait and gets divorced and now wants to be with the mistress legitimately. How can she not worry every single day of her life that he won’t turn right around and do the very same thing to her? Does she think she’s that special?

Obviously this is a pretty big issue, Google ‘mistress’ and see what you get. In fact it seems so prevalent that single women who date married men now have a nickname – Masochist Mistress.

Frankly, the name is fitting.

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18 responses to He’s cheating on you, with his wife.

  1. “How can she not worry every single day…?” Another great question is, what else is (s)he lying about? Because someone who can lie so easily to their spouse is probably lying to you right now about something….

    Thanks for the link love

  2. Clearly the women who choose to stay in these kinds of relationships have issues. Low self-esteem, zero self-worth…they don’t believe that they can do any better. Or perhaps it makes them feel better because they’re “stealing” a man from someone else, I dunno. It’s a sad thing to see these women who don’t value themselves enough to go out and find themselves an available man. Then again, perhaps his unavailability is one of his appealing points?

  3. When I began seeing my ex he was separated and in the process of a divorce. He moved half way across the country, we bought a house together, and several months later I found a letter from his STB ex wife’s lawyer asking why he had not responded to their requests for finalization. Sometimes the “other woman” doesn’t know.

    What I know now: Separated with a lawyer and divorce in process is not divorced.

  4. What an interesting post. As a hairdresser I hear a lot of stories, and as a a woman in her mid 40’s I’ve seen plenty. Obviously an affair is the best of all worlds. She’s not asking HIM for money or help with kid issues and she’s not picking up His socks. An affair is exciting, romantic and so NOT reality. I think that the thing women find attractive in men is their love for their wife and children. Go figure.
    I actually have 2 very close friends who have engaged in such behavior. One was married one who wasn’t. I suspect truthfully that in the case of my friend who was married, that she had a pretty good case of depression and need some excitement to pull her out. Don’t even get me started on how her life is now, what with her daddy issues and all.
    I’ve been married for 21 yrs, and it hasn’t been easy. Life is hard but this is my life; the one I’ve chosen.
    What I’ve observed seems that for women, depression can play a huge part in chosing to engaged in an extracurricular relationship. The bucket has a hole in it and no amount of romantic excitement can fill it. Being fulfilled comes from finding yourself.

  5. Survivor Dad

    My neighbors are married and their relationship started just like this. She is wildly jealous and always making him feel guilty for the complicated situations that arise from having minor children with his ex. The good news is that they are almost of age and hopefully their marriage can make a turn for the best.

  6. It’s so interesting that you focused on JUST the married man with the unmarried woman! First, there are married women who do the same thing – not likely as much. AND, there are both married men and women that have affairs with other married men and married women. EVERYONE in these situations are acting out of lust, fantasy, naivety, anger (at a spouse), childishness, etc. But, they ALL end the same…badly!

  7. Papa – Author

    Thanks Honoree!

    I’m honored you stopped by. No pun intended..:)

  8. Papa – Author

    I chose the single woman because these are the most apt to approach the affair with a potential for lasting fulfillment. Quite often married women are looking for fun.

  9. Papa – Author

    Survivor, I feel confident in saying that the jealousy will stay around. It’s clearly a product of how they met.

  10. So a married woman can do it for “fun” but a single woman can’t? That strikes me as something that requires further investigation. People do it, married or single and though you might be safe in generalizing – you might not always be correct in doing so. My question is this, why don’t we hold the married spouse (the man in the case you cited) responsible? men ahve the ability to say no and keep it zipped. It takes three in each situation and each is acountable; however, my question goes to the people who take the vows and make the commitment and then can not keep that commitment and when things fall apart, they blame the outside party because clearly it is the third party that screwed up the relationship? A vow is a vow – if you can’t keep it, don’t make it. it is called accountability and responsibility and integrity – something people (in general) appear to be lacking in numerous degrees.

  11. Kyle Bradford – Author

    My point with this was how the ‘other’ woman justifies her role to play in an affair. What does she hope to truly gain besides empty promises and brokenness? Has she convinced herself that he will actually be that faithful man she wants, is he capable? Is she capable? The culpability of the husband or the wife has been discussed ad naseum, however the mistress is often forgotten in the whole affair because our attention is pointed at the guilty spouse.

  12. Lyndee

    Let me ask you a question. Does it ever get better, or should I end my marriage and not try? I can read that you have had some pretty devastating dark days as I have lately.

  13. Kyle Bradford – Author

    Lyndee, you’re asking a question that I can’t answer for you. I can tell you with certainty that marriages can be saved when both parties want to save it. Without that mutual understanding and commitment it’s like trying to catch the wind.

  14. aurie

    At first I didn’t know what the f*** I should do. He was my boss, he was my best friend’s husband, he is the father of the three children I love most in this world. But he came on to me. Relentlessly. And I couldn’t hide because I needed my job and I was afraid to leave because I was scared she’d find out. So I tried to convince her to come back to work. Every day, 2 or 3 times a day, I’d call her and just say I need you, I miss you. We need your help running the restaurant. But she never came. He told me he loved me, he wouldn’t let me walk home at night, making a scene in front of my Co-workers who told me not to be stupid (and just take the rides) he told me I’m all he can think about. I’m so beautiful. And I kept saying no. Then one day he kissed me. And I don’t know why, but I found myself kissing him back. He told me how his wife wouldn’t have sex with him or say she loved him or kiss him or hold his hand or even touch him. He told me how they haven’t slept together in over a year. He told me how jealous he was off his own children that she gave all her love and time and kisses to them when he worked so hard to make everything for her. She didn’t have to work anymore because he worked hard enough for the 2 of them.

    I’m so in love. But I’m not fooling myself, as much as I hope he’ll leave her I know he won’t. His excuses to prolong it are far too many. But every day I give myself hope. Every day I love off of his affection. Because no one, not even my friends or family, has EVER made me feel as loved or accepted as he makes me feel.

    But I left for 10 days. And the whole time I was give we talked 3 or 4 times a day. He told me how much he missed me but I could feel it was mostly psychically. I could feel it in my bones. But I let him play me yet.

    Now I’m home and I saw the pictures his family took on their first family day in months. He needed affection and she’s fighting for him. She has her suspicions and she’s right to for how many times I’ve warned her and told her he was becoming to comfortable with me. So she’s fighting and she’ll win. Because tonight I’m at their home and he just told me tomorrow she has an appointment and we’ll have the house to ourselves. I admit I was excited. Until I wanted to sneak in a goodnight since he sleeps on the couch it should have been no problem. Except tonight they’re sharing a room, yes I went and checked the guest bedroom. And they’re in their together. Maybe they’re not having sex, maybe they’re not even cuddling. But they’re in the same bed. When he has told me before that he gives her the excuse of being too tired to hug her.

    And now I’m so mixed up I don’t know what to feel. Stupid. Angry. Hurt. Suicidal. Hopeless. Stupid. Idiotic. Pissed off. But regretful that I didn’t have courage or guts to stand up for what I knew was the right decision.

    Cal me a terrible person for being a mistress. But I’m fucked up in so many ways it doesn’t matter what you say because what I know about myself is 10 times worse.

    I’m not malicious, I’m desparate to feel love.

  15. Kyle Bradford – Author

    Aurie,

    You are standing at a crossroads right now, one direction will continue you down the path you are going, that path will lead to a dark place of disappointment, hurt and pain. The road there is easy, the way is smooth and even exhilarating, but it will dead end into darkness.

    The other direction leads to healing, forgiveness, and light. That path is difficult, steep, and rocky. It’s a hard journey that will often be frustrating and sometime will cause you to want to turn back. But once you have made it through the road with open up and you will find yourself upon a gentle slope climbing up towards your higher self. You will then turn to look back and be thankful for that journey and what it has taught you.

    Aurie, ou must choose one of those two directions, there is no other way.

    I want you to read these following words carefully. They are being typed with sincerity and concern. Your need for love should never, ever, be at the expense of your soul. Every time you spend a minute with him, ever hour you spend thinking about him, you are loosing a piece of yourself, it is being ripped away from you, the pain is dulled by the excitement of the moment.

    That is no way to receive love. Your intentions are not the same as his and I think you know this. So ask yourself, ‘what’s ultimately in this for me?’. What if you got everything you wanted, he left his wife, and you and him now had the freedom to take what you have now into more open directions? Could you honestly say to yourself, ‘I trust him completely?’ ‘He loves me completely and wholly?’

    Don’t allow your emotions to overtake your sense of right and wrong, you can find love, this however, is not the way to do it.

    I would encourage you to find a group of women to speak with, whether that be through a religious organization, or some other form of support. It seems to me you are going at this alone, and that is the absolutely worse thing you can do right now.

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