She doesn’t want sex anymore and why it’s your fault

The recent announcement by Marianne Gingrich of her former husband and 2012 presidential hopeful Newt Gringrich’s appeal to open up their 18 year marriage so he could pursue a sexual relationship with a congressional aide and now wife has unleashed a firestorm of criticism and once again brought the whole necessity of marriage back into question. It was Mrs. Gingrich’s refusal to be tolerant, understanding, and sensitive to her ex husband’s sexual needs that undoubtedly lubricated their eventual divorce.

Whether this, in fact, did happen or is just a well-timed ploy to ruin a presidential race is inconsequential to me. I could mention that all of Washington is in the toilet so what’s another turd but I don’t care and this isn’t that type of blog. Regardless of one’s partisan interest the ABC interview did let set loose a flurry of writing activity as bloggers, looking to exploit the hottest keywords, chimed in with their own two-cents. Outside of the political pundits’ affiliations, in most cases, Marianne is rightfully cast as the moral matriarch who was blindsided by a husband’s greed, ego, and arrogance. But what I have found most interesting wasn’t these articles’ critique of events or defense of her decision, but the numerous reader responses maintaining that she should have been a better wife.

•♦•

If I read one more comment saying how “if she had only taken proper care of his sexual needs this would have never happened” I swear I’m going to climb a tower and start picking off pedestrians. First off, how do they know she was the problem in the bedroom anyway? And why is it the narcissist always hides behind ‘anonymous’ when spewing out their I’m –the-center-of-the-universe philosophy? On and on the comments go ranging from condescending judgments on how she could have tried harder at keeping her man happy to moans about their own marital problems and specifically how he wants sex and the wife doesn’t. As if trying to convince total strangers he’s the good guy while his wife has become the cold-hearted inconsiderate Wicked Witch of the West.

How often do we hear complaints from men that their wives refuse to have sex with them anymore? Sometimes they’re in a twenty-year marriage while for others the ink isn’t dry on the certificate yet, but the messages are similar. To hear them tell it, one morning she woke up and over coffee simply decided she’s done with sex. She’s locked it up and threw away the key while he’s become the innocent bystander caught in the cross fire of her exhaustion, mood swings, apathy, or insensitivity while claiming to have done nothing wrong to deserve such treatment.

At some point men latched onto the belief that after marriage their only job, when it comes to sex, is show up; that the price for admission to the big house, nice car, tennis on Tuesdays, and annual beach vacation is his wife’s legs spread whenever and wherever he wants. Husbands have bought into the notion that sex is owed to them without having to perform any of the heavy lifting, that because he put a ring on her finger it’s now her lone spousal duty to scratch whenever he has an itch. I’m not quite sure when or where husbands got the thinking but it’s led to this sense of entitlement that sex is a marital debt wives are contractually obligated to repay. With this type of attitude, is it any wonder women withhold sex from their husbands?

•♦•

No, I’m convinced your wife wants sex; she just doesn’t want it with you and you’re to blame for it.

Let me ask, would you still work at a job that hasn’t paid you in three years? Well that’s the last time your wife had an orgasm during sex. And you’re so selfish and out of touch with reality you don’t even know it. You’ve made sex all about you for so long you’ve totally forgotten her satisfaction. Whether she enjoyed it isn’t your primary concern. But you’re such a clueless arrogant ass that while you think she’s in the throws of ecstasy, because you’re that good, she’s actually wondering who’ll get kicked off the Bachelor tonight. And as you get dressed basking in your glory, she is sitting on the toilet wondering why she even tries.

In the pioneering days our forefathers did good to put food on the table and keep their families from being eaten by bears. He’d head out into the fields every morning and come back when the sun went down. It was the wife’s job to raise the kids, patch the roof, clean the cabin, and tend the garden. But this isn’t 1856 and we’ve traded in the mule and plow for SUV’s and blackberries and bears are kept in the zoo, so why do you think it’s still her sole responsibility to take care of the kids? Besides the full time job she must work because you want a bass boat, it’s also her responsibility to rush and get them from daycare, go home and check homework, fix dinner then get everyone bathed and ready for bed all while you sit in your recliner decompressing from your week long business conference in Las Vegas.

You’ve never been with a super model so why are you disappointed that you’re wife isn’t and that you think you deserve one? And what’s even worse you let her know it in not so many words, all the while forgetting the hypocrite you are because I’ve been in the men’s locker room and if you could see what I see you wouldn’t have sex with you either. Candidly you look like shit. You have a Persian rug on your back and neck, your toes look like the claws of a Komodo dragon, and you’re still wearing clothes from Woolworths. You’re lucky if you can make it up the stairs without fainting and can’t see your own kneecaps but you have the nerve to tell her she’s ‘put on a few pounds’.  Until you get a six pack and are on the cover of GQ Magazine you don’t get to call your wife fat.

Valentine’s Day you got her a wet/dry vac. The last time you brought home flowers was the Reagan administration and you haven’t taken her out to dinner since senior prom. You have forgotten more birthdays and anniversaries than she can count and the last text you sent said to not forget the Budweiser. You never call her during the day to say ‘hi’ or surprise her by showing up at her work for lunch; you’ve completely given up doing the little things that made her say ‘yes’ in the first place, like how you pursued, chased, romanced, and made her feel like the only woman in the world. Is it any coincidence you didn’t have sex problems back then?

•♦•

I could go on, because these are just a few reasons why she isn’t having sex with you any more, and honestly, are you surprised? You shouldn’t be shocked that she’s any less indifferent and uncaring towards meeting your needs than you have been towards meeting hers? She’s acting no differently than you are, she’s just doing it in her own way. She doesn’t owe you sex any more than you owe her the Hope diamond and a Ferrari! It isn’t a debt or obligation she took on when she married you! A lack of sex isn’t your problem, YOU are your problem. You’re the problem because you’ve stopped caring and working at the marriage. The moment it started getting hard it became easier to just stop trying. So why would she have sex with you when you don’t make her feel loved, beautiful, special, honored, cherished, or respected anymore?

And my man, that’s on you. Now go do something about it.

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67 responses to She doesn’t want sex anymore and why it’s your fault

  1. Why do I feel like I’ve just read the best virtual ass kicking this side of the internet? :)

    Seriously though, I think there are many reasons why women stop having sex with men, not all of which are the fault of men. What you described? Most definitely the fault of the man. Do you think that in most cases it is truly the fault of the man?

  2. I think the whole “why she’s not having sex with you” question is pretty complex. Before I had kids I couldn’t imagine why this would be an issue. Now given the choice I elect to enjoy a glass of wine and watch Downtown Abby instead. And this isn’t a reflection of my partner – who is awesome and awesomely cute. It’s just that sometimes kids take SOOO much energy that I just want to spud. With a glass of wine.

    However clearly the whole Newt plan was enormously flawed. If you’re not having sex the answer is not to just find an employee (was it an employee?) and continue on. And clearly the reason why Newt’s wife wanted nothing to do with him is probably pretty close to what you described – he’s a turd.

  3. Michelle

    Great post! The question is…will men listen and make any necessary changes. Not that I’m blaming the men, but I can really relate to this.

  4. Kyle! This is awesome! Now go spread this all over the world – in every locker room, at every sports event, in every sports bar – anywhere where men are, so that they can really get it. Marriage – you get out of it exactly what you put into it!

  5. Now, how do your really feel Kyle. Let’s face it, men in power want a variety of women. All Newt did was ask for it and do it upfront – IF that is what happened. For most men, staying faithful is a choice – a VERY TOUCH choice. Why do our superstars – athletes and rock stars AND politicians – always seem to have a pile of extra-curricular action? Because they can! And, they’re men. Women just aren’t built that way. Read my post today about the differences between men and women – truths that women’s studies profs won’t like:

    http://www.brucesallan.com/index.php/mycolumn/510-the-real-differences-between-men-and-women-part-one

  6. Katherine

    This article reaffirms my opinions on marriage. WHY do people get married? If you’re not religious, what the %^$* is the point?
    I WOULD like to add one more little thing to this article for men to heed: You CANNOT nag & complain about how your woman loads the dishwasher, parks the car, or how she doesn’t do this or that the way you would & expect to get some. Foreplay begins way before you even step into the bedroom.

  7. This article is based on what’s known as the “straw man” argument. Yes, it’s true that if a man does NOT focus on pleasing his wife first, or showing her she’s loved outside the bedroom.. the sex goes downhill. She loses her motivation. She summed it up in her last sentence;

    “So why would she have sex with you when you don’t make her feel loved, beautiful, special, honored, cherished, or respected anymore?”

    But, what she did not cover in her article is when women who ARE cherished, loved, respected and even spoiled with affection still don’t want to have sex. Just as there are good, loving wives who have a cheating husband.. there are good decent men I’ve known who had cheating wives. It goes both ways and she failed to cover that.

    Not getting ‘needs met’ is not the only reason a person either loses interest in sex or decides to cheat. There ARE other reasons. Greed, being the main one. Some people (man or woman) simply want everything good they have at home AND something extra on the side. Greed. Pure and simple. It’s not fair, it’s not justified.. it’s just plain greediness.

    So it would be a much more balanced article if the writer had covered this. But then it wouldn’t serve her objective of placing all the blame on the man, would it? Thinking women should be offended that this writer would want to pin them down as the ‘victim’, knowing full well there are some women out there who are complete tramps married to a man they don’t appreciate.

    Give a full, balanced exploration on the subject.. in fairness to all is all I implore.

  8. Papa – Author

    Henry, before I begin let me say thanks for stopping by. Now, I think we need to get a few things straight.

    1. this article you commented on was written by me, that’d be a man.
    2. We aren’t talking about cheating here we are talking about men’s consistent complaint that their wives have stopped engaging in sex. For the record, I’ve been cheated on I know there are many things that can transpire to drive someone to seek a relationship outside of a marriage. I’ve written extensively about it.
    3. The facts are what the facts are. You and I know that men appear all too short sighted and fail way too often to ‘look in the mirror’ when it comes to this area. It’s always her fault. To reiterate, they don’t want to do any of the heavy lifting when it comes to sex. They want their wives to look great, act frisky, while they just sit there or at the least roll over and tap her on the shoulder.

    Ask most women in marriages and they will tell you their husbands have stopped trying. This isn’t to say the wife is putting much more effort at times but it’s usually the man who starts slipping first.

  9. Papa – Author

    Katherine, thanks for the input.

    Let me say that marriage isn’t the problem. Never has been never will be. The problem is the people in the marriage. We are the problem, we have such high expectations of marriage that no one, including ourselves, could live it to them.

    Your comment has me formulating an upcoming article. Thanks for the inspiration!

  10. Papa – Author

    Michele, it’s doubtful. Notice that few men commented.

  11. Papa, while I do agree that this is an example of when it is the man’s fault, just a few comments above, you have a woman who is saying she has a wonderful, attentive, cute husband that she doesn’t want to have sex with. She prefers a glass of wine. Why? Because she’s had kids. I hear this story A LOT on the web from men who are desperately trying to figure out how to get their wives interested in having sex with them post baby.

    Is that situation OK? Is it not OK for men to not pay attention to the needs of their women but OK for women not to pay attention to the needs of their men? And by all means, I’m not saying that women are obligated to have sex with their husbands. However, sex is a part of marriage.

    I do feel this post accurately describes ONE scenario of why it’s the man’s fault. However, I do not think it’s ALWAYS the man’s fault. I think there are a lot of reasons why couples stop having sex. Sometimes one partner loses the desire due to medical reasons as the commenter below posted. What it boils down to is having a relationship with an open line of communication.

  12. T

    Eh, it could go both ways, CP. Every one in the relationship has to take responsibility for what they bring to the table. Period.

    That’s me being fair. There’s another part of me that’s saying, ‘HELL YEAH! YOU TELL ‘EM!!!”

    *ahem*

    Well said.

  13. T

    Yes! Agreed! Intimacy requires staying connected, period. That means being vulnerable, communicating and still respecting. I wonder if I man can hear that from his wife and say, “I understand, honey, but I’m still feeling sexual. Would you mind helping me in another way?”

    And could the wife not feel weird but still offer intimacy and assistance?

  14. Yes!! this is what im looking for. Now all we need is some way to spread this.

    If your wife refuses to have sex with you, what will you do? just gonna stop and complain about it in the internet or somewhere? i think you should work for it a little bit more. maybe you cant really understand women, but theres one thing we really want, to be feel loved once in a while.

    thanks for this.

  15. Papa – Author

    Thanks Rose, just send it to friends and pass it along.

    Your welcome and please stop by again.

  16. Michelle

    You write fantastically well, straight down the line. From what I have read so far, you don’t bias towards either sex. I will keep reading your posts because, well…. they are simply great and tackle the uncomfortable topics. The reality is, these topics exist, not bringing into the open does nothing but make them become a bigger lump under the carpet.

  17. Papa – Author

    Michelle, thanks so much for your kind words. I hope I can always keep you coming back for more.

  18. kandy

    I must say I Love this article but for me it is more my fault then his own and I can admit that. He does have his days where he does not emotionaly give me what I need or says something stupid. (he is a criticle person!) but for the most part he DOES try. I am just so worn out from being very sick (thank god I am getting a operation) That by the end of the day I don’t even want to be touched. I am a stay at home mom of 5 kiddos. Sometimes it is not a mans fault but an organic situation.

  19. Martha Fish

    Oh man, my sides hurt I’m laffin so much

  20. Martha Fish

    Even when you work at it, sex is feast and famine, especially when you have kids. So working at it is important to merely keep it a topic in marriage. Thanks for this.

  21. “I swear I’m going to climb a tower and start picking off pedestrians.” ha ha ha. You’re hilarious!!! That one had me rolling on the floor.

    This is a fabulous article and really damn funny. Consider it Facebooked and Twittered to the/my world.

  22. Loved every second of it. Of course I do realize it goes both ways and women get really lazy and become ok with just being a ‘source of friction’ too.

    Possibly I’m in love with you. I’m blogging about my experience with divorce and birdnesting custody at http://www.thiscuckoosnest.com.

  23. Lisa

    So true in so many ways. I think you’re question about why this happens and where did this entitled attitude come from can be linked to porn, strip clubs, and male raunch culture in general. Women are merely seen as the sum of their parts, a means to a sexual end and little more. And everyone wants us to believe modern porn use and boys-will-be-boys social conditioning is “just no big deal”. Right. Thanks again for taking the time to speak on an important topic.

  24. Uncle

    How about because for some men none of these reasons apply?

  25. Ben

    I would say our sexual problems are due to sexual incompatibility and have always existed, rather than what this article suggests as sex reduction/elimination as a result of the man’s emotional abandonment. I am slowly emotionally abandoning my partner of almost 4 years due to the fact that I never feel wanted sexually, and she has never been able to orgasm in her life (30yo now), so there is no motivating factor for her to want sex, she only does it for me but no desire herself, and I cannot spend my life with a woman like that due to my OWN feelings. She has NO desire to change, every convo about it turns into an argument, so I feel the whole thing is pointless really.

  26. Thank you for nailing it! Oh sorry, I should say getting it!
    My ex husband worked odd shifts and “expected” me to drop everything whenever he was ready to have sex. It was great sex but really? I’m just taking a break from mowing the yard, can you wait? He made it my job; added it to my list of chores. I owed it to him to drop and spread em whenever he felt horny. It’s not that I didn’t want to have sex anymore, I just didn’t want to have sex as part of my job description and it killed our marriage.
    Guys- quit bitching and make your woman feel loved!

  27. The other type of guy

    I dunno, I like foreplay, I adore my wife, I love to cook for her and do little things like this that get her excited. She rarely succumbs to my advances though. She initiates sex but not as often as I’d like. When we’re in the zone nothing turns me on more than giving her pleasure; on average she has three orgasms, sometimes more. But the infrequency of sex kills me, it’s really depressing. I guess as a healthy guy who craves sex at least once a week with his sexy wife you can’t win. Man, there is nothing on the Internet of any value for this type of situation.

  28. Kyle Bradford – Author

    Other guy,

    “I love to cook for her and do little things like this that get her excited.”

    Here’s a thought for you. Are these little things being done to honor and benefit her, or for the purposes of meeting your physical needs because you know or have been told that’s what you need to do? It sounds to me like, in my humble opinion, that your actions have anterior motives. If that is so, don’t assume she doesn’t notice. From your comment, I get the sense it’s a great deal about you.

    I don’t believe that once per week would be considered ‘excessive’.

    Thanks for stopping by.

  29. Seriously? This is not good advice. It reads like a fluff piece designed to get your female readers cheer-leading for you.

    Its akin to telling customers with autos that have defective paint jobs from the factory to wash and wax their cars so they wont have a problem with faded paint. What about the customers who HAVE BEEN washing their cars diligently and still can’t keep the paint looking new?

    In case you haven’t heard there is a raging epidemic of sexless marriages, and as much as you would like to think it’s solely because of men there are in fact many women who have researched this issue who state otherwise.

    I won’t bother listing sources and quotes on an old thread but this advice was so horrible I had to state something. Besides this piece…it seems to be a pretty good blog.

  30. Rogers

    I totally disagree and wonder. Is the writer or blogger a homosexual or a woman? So she may be overwgelmed with what? When this is 2012 and both spouses work, cook, clean and help the kids with homework etc. Borh pay bills. Abd if he doesnt turn her own then shes wrobg for nit telling him or lettibg him go. If he doesbt satusfy her, she owes it to him to tell him abd show him how to. Women like to keep secrets from their man when he tells them everything. Using sex to catch him is like a street girl selling sex for money. But my ooint. Im now married. My wife done it to me like a porn star upto three mobths before our wedding. She gets hers when we do it and sometimes she stops it. Me. I think she is seeing other men. So Im gonna wait til I catch her. No she dont owe me sex ecerytime I ask for it but I dont owe her either and whatever and when ever she wants something I give it too her or do it for her. And Im always tired. Sometimes I dont sleep comoared to her getting at least five or six hrs a night. And if Im not working on the job, Im working in the yard or at home. And speaking of health. The doctor says she is in excellent shape. And when she dresses she knows it cause she checksout her shape in the mirror. She puts that walk on. She waves at everybody and she knows shes beautiful so I think this blog is one sided and full of bull. Male bashing. Just like yo vibrator please you. Well our wives and husbands are suppose to please us. I meant each other. I cant blame a man for divorcing her. Im lying in my bed horny, balls hurting and crying cause I cant get none. Im sick if it. I can do better as a bachelor or a pimp !

  31. Kyle Bradford – Author

    Rogers, for the record I’m a dude, 100% American male. My man, it seems you’ve got some major bitterness to work out.

  32. Kyle Bradford – Author

    jbamai,

    “Seriously? This is not good advice. It reads like a fluff piece designed to get your female readers cheer-leading for you”

    You give me far too much credit, I’m not that creative. I won’t disagree that women can control sex in a way that makes the marriage unbearable. But you’re kidding yourself if you think that’s the norm.

    The reality of the matter is this….men are habitual about losing our intentionality. In other words we stop trying. We stop wooing, wining, dining, and showing her all because we think now that the rock in on the finger and the roof over her head she ‘owes’ it too us without us having to do any of the heaving lifting.

    C’mon man you know that is fact.

    If this post riled you then this one will really fire you up. ….http://chopperpapa.com/2012/03/how-i-did-and-didnt-deal-with-my-exs-affair/

    And thanks swinging by.

  33. Lyndee

    I think every married guy in the universe needs to take a completely devoted moment and read this. HELLO!

  34. Edward

    This post is kicking ass and I sincerely hope all these complaining bastards who don’t even think about blaming theirselves, will read this and take it as a necessarry lesson in marriage-survival.

    Now I am a writer myself and I know that a good blog needs to shock. You need to have a strong opinion, you need to be black and white now and then and apart from the serious and legitimate message this post kicks ass because it’s an assault on all these guys blaming their wives for killing their marriage.

    On the other hand, it’s not always about the men. I have known guys who were very romantic and caring, guys with style, guys who took good care of their minds and bodies. And still their wives didn’t want sex with them. It would not be fair to say these guys should blame themselves, because their wives really were cold-hearted bitches who only cared about watching tv and getting fat. I have known quite many, believe me.

    All in all: it’s both parties. If you want a good marriage with a good sex-life, work on it. Invest. Fight. Plan. And above all: you are married because you once fell in love and thought that you would happily grow old together. Hold on to that thought, rediscover why you felt that way and regain it!

  35. Kyle Bradford – Author

    Lyndee, I’ve noticed that very few men actually commented. I think I hit a nerve with a few.

  36. Don Giovanni

    Maybe the issue is monogamy. I love and adore my wife, and she me. She is treated like a queen, and rightfully so. Her loss of interest in her words are only that she feels satisfied. If she is not into it and I am, maybe there’s nothing wrong with having multiple partners. Women like sex a lot when the relationship is new and they are “exploring” their new partner. It’s part of discovery, but once they are comfortable in a relationship, they don’t feel the need for sex. It has nothing to do with flowers, (which I hand pick each week and deliver myself.) It has nothing to do with cooking, (I cook all the meals.) It’s simply that men never loose their desire for their partners. We see sex as the deepest connection of our hearts. For women, it’s the opposite, sex is a stepping stone to a committed relationship, and it is the relationship, not the sex that is their deepest expression of connection.

  37. “The reality of the matter is this….women are habitual about losing their intentionality. In other words they stop trying. They stop the puppy dog affection, feminine disposition, hot sex, and showing her abest because women think now that the rock on the finger and the roof over her head he ‘owes’ it to her without her offering anything in return…even something as crucial to bonding as affection whether it be overtly sexual or otherwise”

    There ya go. Fixed that for ya.

  38. Taken From http://rationalmale.wordpress.com/2012/07/25/the-5-stages-of-unplugging/#comment-8011

    What blows me away is how thoroughly the script has flipped, how the plates I spin are HAPPIER with the SCRAPS of attention I give them, compared with the women I used to pedestalize. I just don’t get it. What is it in the female psyche that hates being treated well, and seemingly loves being treated as barely worth my time?Why was I treated like shit for being respectful, considerate, and appreciative within my relationships, and why am I getting rewarded for being selfish and unapologetic?

    Care to take a stab at that Kyle?

    Women routinely reward the behavior they say they despise and punish the behavior they (publicly) say they desire. Until we acknowledge that unpalatable fact we cannot move forward with a solution.

    The reality of the matter is this….men are habitual about losing our intentionality. In other words we stop trying. We stop wooing, wining, dining, and showing her all because we think now that the rock in on the finger and the roof over her head she ‘owes’ it too us without us having to do any of the heaving lifting.

    The reality of the matter is once women get the ring and or the commitment there is an invisible process which gets put into play whereby the man is systematically discarded for another male to conquer into a commitment scheme.

  39. Kyle Bradford – Author

    “What blows me away is how thoroughly the script has flipped, how the plates I spin are HAPPIER with the SCRAPS of attention I give them, compared with the women I used to pedestalize. I just don’t get it. What is it in the female psyche that hates being treated well, and seemingly loves being treated as barely worth my time?Why was I treated like shit for being respectful, considerate, and appreciative within my relationships, and why am I getting rewarded for being selfish and unapologetic?”

    jbamal, I’m going to take it that you’re painting all past women in your life, romantically speaking, with this same brush. If I’m wrong, you can clarify.

    In the meantime, let me ask you a question. Aside from their apparent common love of being treated like garbage, what is the only other thing all of these women share in common?

    Think about that question before answering.

    My man, that answer is YOU. The only thing these women share in common that is fact — is you. Now this isn’t a knock on you personally or discounting that some could very well have these issues as you described. However, shouldn’t it concern you that every one of them, as you put it, seems to have this desire to be treated as second class, all while being complete strangers to each other?

    I had a buddy that use to complain about all the ‘gold diggers’ he would end up dating. When I asked him where he met these women he said at the most expensive night club in Atlanta. My response…”if you go to the desert, don’t bitch if you find sand.”

  40. “Are these little things being done to honor and benefit her, or for the purposes of meeting your physical needs because you know or have been told that’s what you need to do?”

    Wow, just wow.

    Did you ever met a woman? do you know what they are like? did you ever see them shed their inhibitions and become sexually exited and extremely promiscuous around dominant men?

    However, for the men here, know that there is an alternative. The solution is not men being more and more submissive, it is the opposite. Also, just stop listening to women, they are oblivious to their own sexuality. Look at their actions, not their words.

    These guys need to dominant and degrade (and spank!) their wives, not the other way around. Women, in general, are border-line masochistic and will reward such dominance with sexual desire while the submissiveness you suggest (“little things being done to honor and benefit her”) will be rewarded by sexual contempt.

    I don’t have more time or will to enter a real discussion about game with a caricature of political correctness and feminism such as yourself. Kyle, your kind, and you specifically, have responsibility for the destruction of the family and the epidemic of fatherless children. Masculinity, as biologically determined by the influence of testosterone, is dominance. When men lose their masculinity, women are not attracted to them and later on families break and children are hurt.

  41. Kyle Bradford – Author

    “These guys need to dominant and degrade (and spank!) their wives.” —

    Dude, you’ve been reading too much 50 Shades of Grey.

  42. Dude, you’ve been reading too much 50 Shades of Grey.

    LoL. I don’t know dicipres all that well, but I doubt he has the ability to really and truly appreciate 50 Shades of Grey for the fine piece of English literature that it is. Right up there with Macbeth. Riggggghhhht lol.

    Dude you’ve women have been reading too much 50 Shades of Grey

    Fixed. I don’t really care who is reading what or how much they are reading it. To each his or her own. However, to deny that women crave some elements of this stuff in their relationships (particularly in the bedroom) is to deny the reality that stands right before you and stares you in the face. I know its ugly Kyle, but it is what it is.

  43. Kyle Bradford – Author

    “maybe there’s nothing wrong with having multiple partners. ” —

    how does your wife feel about that?

  44. AM

    I really enjoyed this post. And it made me deeply sad, too. I strongly believe that ready access to pornography, strippers, even the glamorization of prostitutes, all combine to increase any lazy tendencies in a man to actually show up and be present in a sexual relationship. Why should he when he can just kick back at the strip club and pick a woman like off a menu? How many times does a woman get compared to a porn star before she gets discouraged and disheartened? How many nights does a woman end up feeling like a blowup doll before she gets pretty sick of sex?

    I do think there are women who don’t feel like having sex for whatever reason, kids, stress, childhood abuse, relationship trauma. And yeah, there are emotionally warped women out there using sex like cash, just like too many men do. But I also strongly believe that any man worth his salt, who is not just ‘feeling’ in love, but also ACTING LOVING, which means practicing loving behaviors, truly having their partner’s best interests at heart, is way more likely to be having great sex. And it is very true, what the heck does a man expect when he gets fat and ugly yet criticizes his wife for being human? Bring on those rock hard abs!

    If a man doesn’t want the partner who he wanted to be with so much that he made vows to start thinking sex is disgusting, than don’t make it disgusting!

  45. I'm tired ot it

    It’s been over 10 yrs since my husband had been interested in me. I was 200lbs & he’d roll his eyes at me, asking if I really needed that when I ate something. Weeks would go by without sex. About 4 yrs ago I lost 50lbs & coincidentally he started with this depression/victim act, (suddenly I don’t want sex, it was as if the past 5 yrs didn’t happen? ; He stopped doing his hobbies &/or going out for lunch ; etc) all without him ever giving me a compliment for how I looked. Did he take me out to dinner? Was I allowed to meet him at his office for lunch, no! Now, I literally lie there & he releases himself, then rolls over. This occurs everyother night OR he refuses to talk to me & refuses to talk to me at all, (we rarely communicate anyway – but then it becomes unbareable, as if someone did some type of serious offense). He wishes I’d be more active & I’ve explained that I wish we’d see someone OR he could, (I mentioned the male depression). He rarely speaks with me, always gets angry at anything I do/say, jealous if I give I attention to anyone else but him. I don’t see my friends & have NEVER gone out without him when he’s home. We do get together with our neighbors & he can be nice to them,but me….nope. I took a vow & take it seriously. However, I don’t want any partner – no relationship at this rate. I am tired of crying. My own kids make comments about him not answering me OR ignoring me & right away my husband says I talk about him to them. NOT TRUE !!! They are old enough to see the routine. If I discipline the kids to go to bed, turn off I-pod, he ignores my 10-15 requests – even when I start yelling. They’re always saying, “Daddys good – he never yells at us – he gets us what he wants. Sure, because I’m the only one being a parent & not checking out. By the way, that recliner comment is so true. He works all day, commutes & is tired. I work nights and he wants me to quit. It all began once we had children & it was decided I’d stay home to raise them, (me breadwinner & she wife). I now feel his dream is for me to be the 50′s wife, cook, clean, hug him the second he comes home & give him his slippers, stay next to him every second to await anything he may say & give him the best sex everynight to allow him a restful sleep. So, obviously I don’t deserve any respect, love, communication. I work nights, in charge of the kids, school activities, homework, schedule events for the entire family, entertain, cook, make travel plans, clean, pretty much never leave my full time job – except when I go to work 3 nights a week for a few hours. And if I have to hear him say how – I think I’m perfect one more time- I’m going to scream, (never said it). I want him to get friends, get a sport hobby, etc. Why is it that his job & me are the only things in this world to him.? Once the kids grow up & move out I will be so lonely. For the past few months I’ve grown more short fused with the kids when they ignore me, (I don’t want them to feel its right to treat others like this – due to the example they see). I do not talk about their dad to them, but like I said they aren’t stupid kids & see everything going on. If he makes a positive comment or vaccuums the house, he wants an immediate reward. If he doesn’t get what he wants, he says, “I tried”. Trying isn’t doing something, then wanting immediate response. I don’t want a divorce, I want him to get communication/respect skills so we can begin repairing the marriage.

  46. Kyle Bradford – Author

    “Now, I literally lie there & he releases himself, then rolls over.” — That says so much.

    You should have him read this article…in fact, several articles on this he needs to read. He also needs to man up and he probably needs to read your response.

  47. Kyle Bradford – Author

    “I do think there are women who don’t feel like having sex for whatever reason, kids, stress, childhood abuse, relationship trauma.” — I am sure you are right, but that doesn’t get them off the hook. That’s where the hard word comes in and it applies equally to men, but also to women.

    Thanks for contributing!

  48. Felix

    Lame ranting. We call people like you trolls.

  49. Felix

    That definitely shows how clever you are.

  50. Well, I am going to be a bit different here. I have been married for 23 years to a wonderful man and have four beautiful children and a grandchild. While I agree that many men could use a reality check on how much of a stud they are and what prizes we should consider them, mine is truly a very good man. I have lost any desire for sex over the last 7 years or so. I can achieve orgasm, and do as often as we have sex, but even during an orgasm, I am not wanting it. I still find him attractive, we go out to lunches and dinners together often, and we go dancing at least twice a month. When we were younger, he often brought me flowers or candy, and tried to always be thoughtful. That being said, no one could ever accuse him of being less than masculine. He, in fact, is a bull-headed, stubborn, opinionated Taurus (the sign of the bull) who is also a reserve Navy officer, an engineer, and built more like a football player than the “geek” he is.

    I am going to address a couple of the more vocal posters to this issue, just to stir the pot. First, while it is true that some women do treat the nicer men like dirt and encourage the brutes, those of us with a brain don’t. While I have always said I find men who are stronger than me and look like men more attractive than weak men who look feminine, I would never tolerate one using their strength on me during sex. If any male, even my husband of 23 years ever decided to spank me or degrade me, it would be over with no looking back. I am female, but not weak. Any man who wants me accepts that I will not ever be turned into someone’s Stepford Wife.

    Second, sexual desire is not a “reward” for behavior, nor is sex in general. Are there women who use sex to get what they want and who blatantly manipulate men? Sure there are, just like there are men who tell women exactly what they want to hear, and give them nothing. Don’t lump me into the heap of your misfortunes.

    Third, I think the writer of the article is most likely very much heterosexual, and confident enough with his own male sexuality that he can admit to what are often male flaws. I applaud him for that. I do not feel he is being feminist as much as honest. I have 3 sons as well as a husband, and face it, they can be pretty gross. I still would not trade them for the world because I love them and they love me back.

    Now, I will get down to my reason for responding at all. I really have lost my sex drive and desire for sex. It is one of those things that you know you should have, but you don’t, and you can’t make yourself feel it. In my case, I believe it is organic. I am not in menopause, but could very well be in the early stages, I have gone to doctors for help because it upsets my husband that I have lost interest, and I still have sex with him 3-4 times a week on average. He knows I am just going through the motions for him, and he knows I am trying to find out how to fix it. It doesn’t make it easier on either of us.

    I have been diagnosed with serious adrenal fatigue as well, and a lower than normal thyroid level, all of which affect libido. Combine that with dropping levels of hormones as we age, and it is a recipe for disaster. I am working with my doctor on these things, but the fact is, many women in this day and age suffer from adrenal fatigue, depression, and stress. We handle stress differently than men.

    I would like to add one more thing. An assumption was made that in this current era, men split the bills, the chores, the stress and the responsibility with women equally. On what planet does that happen? It is true that most men do far more physical labor than women (though not always) and typically earn more (again, not always), but try carrying a baby for 9 months without ever being able to put it down and give your back a rest, oh and add weight to it daily just to confuse your muscles more. Oh, I really with you could share that one. Have you ever gotten up every two hours to feed a child from your own body and still gotten up to go to work in the morning? Have you wrapped Christmas presents until 2am with a 103 degree fever because you got the flu on Christmas Eve and it still had to be done? Do you cook at least 1/2 of all the meals?

    My point is, it can be his fault, it can be her fault, or it can be no one’s fault at all, unless you blame mother nature. And my marriage vows said “for better and for worse, until death do us part.” That just about covers it. He hasn’t left me because he loves me and he knows I try to do what I feel I can to keep him satisfied. Isn’t that we should be doing for each other?

  51. I still find him attractive, we go out to lunches and dinners together often, and we go dancing at least twice a month. When we were younger, he often brought me flowers or candy, and tried to always be thoughtful. That being said, no one could ever accuse him of being less than masculine. He, in fact, is a bull-headed, stubborn, opinionated Taurus (the sign of the bull) who is also a reserve Navy officer, an engineer, and built more like a football player than the “geek” he is.

    I am going to address a couple of the more vocal posters to this issue, just to stir the pot. First, while it is true that some women do treat the nicer men like dirt and encourage the brutes, those of us with a brain don’t. While I have always said I find men who are stronger than me and look like men more attractive than weak men who look feminine, I would never tolerate one using their strength on me during sex. If any male, even my husband of 23 years ever decided to spank me or degrade me, it would be over with no looking back. I am female, but not weak. Any man who wants me accepts that I will not ever be turned into someone’s Stepford Wife.

    Second, sexual desire is not a “reward” for behavior, nor is sex in general. Are there women who use sex to get what they want and who blatantly manipulate men? Sure there are, just like there are men who tell women exactly what they want to hear, and give them nothing. Don’t lump me into the heap of your misfortunes.

    Third, I think the writer of the article is most likely very much heterosexual, and confident enough with his own male sexuality that he can admit to what are often male flaws. I applaud him for that. I do not feel he is being feminist as much as honest. I have 3 sons as well as a husband, and face it, they can be pretty gross. I still would not trade them for the world because I love them and they love me back.

    Now, I will get down to my reason for responding at all. I really have lost my sex drive and desire for sex. It is one of those things that you know you should have, but you don’t, and you can’t make yourself feel it. In my case, I believe it is organic. I am not in menopause, but could very well be in the early stages, I have gone to doctors for help because it upsets my husband that I have lost interest, and I still have sex with him 3-4 times a week on average. He knows I am just going through the motions for him, and he knows I am trying to find out how to fix it. It doesn’t make it easier on either of us.

    I have been diagnosed with serious adrenal fatigue as well, and a lower than normal thyroid level, all of which affect libido. Combine that with dropping levels of hormones as we age, and it is a recipe for disaster. I am working with my doctor on these things, but the fact is, many women in this day and age suffer from adrenal fatigue, depression, and stress. We handle stress differently than men.

    I would like to add one more thing. An assumption was made that in this current era, men split the bills, the chores, the stress and the responsibility with women equally. On what planet does that happen? It is true that most men do far more physical labor than women (though not always) and typically earn more (again, not always), but try carrying a baby for 9 months without ever being able to put it down and give your back a rest, oh and add weight to it daily just to confuse your muscles more. Oh, I really with you could share that one. Have you ever gotten up every two hours to feed a child from your own body and still gotten up to go to work in the morning? Have you wrapped Christmas presents until 2am with a 103 degree fever because you got the flu on Christmas Eve and it still had to be done? Do you cook at least 1/2 of all the meals?

    My point is, it can be his fault, it can be her fault, or it can be no one’s fault at all, unless you blame mother nature. And my marriage vows said “for better and for worse, until death do us part.” That just about covers it. He hasn’t left me because he loves me and he knows I try to do what I feel I can to keep him satisfied. Isn’t that we should be doing for each other?

  52. Doug

    I really do care about how she feels and know I do fullfill her and have done all I know to do so her I care,but in times she grows weary of me and has even said that when she knows its there if she wants it she gets tired of it,I feel used?

  53. Ettdau50

    I have a situation similar to what Mischelle40 described, however I am the man. Until recently my wife has always been quite adventurous and satisfying in the sexual department. But recently has made a dramatic change. She blames it on a physical thing, pre-menopause, menopause, and such. I would like to make a couple of comments and statements.

    First, I believe sexual desire is 90% mental (emotional) and 10% physical. Almost any potential physical issue can be overcome by desire (except maybe missing equipment). I personally have overcome several serious injuries which cause great pain in certain situations and am still able to perform and still have the desire to have sex, even though sometimes the physical pain is great.

    Second, Why does anyone have the right in a marriage to withhold anything? Sex happens to be an extremely important part of the overall package in a loving marriage. How would a woman feel if a man just up and decided, he just doesn’t have the desire to go to work and make money anymore, would that be OK?

    Third, why do women speak in a foreign language to men when they are communicating? Example: Do these pants make me look fat? We all know there is no answer to that question. If you say no, you look great, the woman says “you are just saying that”, and of course don’t ever dream of saying yes, or being non-responsive.

    And last, what is this women and men think differently about sex? That may be true in the time period before having sex, but during the actual act in my experience women usually turn into a savage beast. And what does it exactly mean when women speak of the emotional things that they need to help them have the desire to have sex. I have asked my wife EXACTLY what does that mean, please give me an example or two , or let me know what behaviors I need to change, and cannot get an answer that is actionable. How can I provide something that is not tangible?

    I listen intently to my wife during our conversations and respond and have empathy for her issues, but then she says I don’t listen. (even though I can repeat word for word everything she has said).

    It seems to me there is some imaginary high level plateau which men must reach to satisfy a woman’s emotional needs which is not really attainable.

    I say: Ladies, give the men a break, don’t expect them to provide this unattainable level of emotional support. Loosen up, stop making excuses, and look at yourself for the answers. Your desire is linked to your mind, and you control your mind. (see how 50 shades brings out desire in women?) If you really love him, control your mind and your body will respond.

    *Discaimer: the above statements are only my opinion and only pertain to the situation mentioned, other situations my differ, and contents may settle during shipment.

    Replies and comments are welcomed.

  54. MomD

    What a crock of bitter nonsense! Maybe that is YOUR experience, but you are full of it. Read the Bible…it is the woman’s JOB to be there and to take care of her husband sexually after he has gone out and provided for her. Men are wired to be the hunter/gatherers and women to take care of hearth and home while they are out providing for their families and when they come home and all they get is bitching a moaning about how bad their day with the kids was, they are lucky their husbands don’t drop them like a load of hot bricks. Our “feminist” society has caused women to take on male roles and make pussies out of men and then women wonder why they aren’t attracted to their husbands anymore. Because they don’t know who they are because you want them to “hear” you and “validate” you and make you happy. Sweetheart, happy comes from within and if you find what makes you happy and live it and open yourself up to your spouse and make it your lifes desire to keep him WELL satisfied and not the pussy in the relationship, you will ALSO enjoy sex cause he will be so into you that not another woman will ever suffice and he will make it his lifes mission to please you in every way possible. THAT is how it is supposed to be and how it would be if you’d get off your selfish asses and take care of him while also taking care of you and leading a fulfilling life when he is off giving you what you SAY you want as far as lifestyle.
    Now, the difference here is if he is an abusive ass. If that is the case, pack up the kids, get the heck out and don’t look back…because there ARE REAL men out there and if you learn hot to please him unconditionally, you will ALSO be well pleased in all ways and you don’t need nor deserve to be abused.

  55. Kyle Bradford – Author

    ” Second, Why does anyone have the right in a marriage to withhold anything? Sex happens to be an extremely important part of the overall package in a loving marriage. How would a woman feel if a man just up and decided, he just doesn’t have the desire to go to work and make money anymore, would that be OK?” — while I get what you are saying that isn’t an argument that will get you anywhere.

    I want to recommend you read a book “The Five Love Languages” – keep in my something that her perception is your reality whether you want to agree with that or not. The book I mentioned actually speaks directly to that idea and it could save your marriage.

  56. This is one reason people should not get married! Take person A). He’s a selfish unmarried person who worksout and has a buff body. If one girl doesn’t want to sleep with him, doesn’t matter. He’ll find another who will real quick! Compared to person B). who did the “right” thing, got married, and still doesn’t get any! Women will have sex with person A) just because they know if they don’t give it to him, somebody else will! They won’t sleep with person B) because they don’t HAVE to! Cause he’s the sucker who got trapped in a marriage! Of course women have NO problem having sex before marriage! It’s just an act they put on until they get the ring on their finger and have him by the balls! No different than the tactics of a car salesman!

  57. ANONYMOUS

    My husband stopped kissing my back, running my whole back to body and kissing me like he wanted ot take time. Now, he thinks im suppose to roll over while he “diddles” me(his words,I know! And then he stays there one breast like hes nursing…I have asked him nicely 6 times, I have told him at a nice dinner what he lacks..He says I just want you happy but CONTINUES TO GET ANNOYED IF i EVEN TURN MY BACK TO HIM FOR A MASSAGE. And,hes a crabby person who argues 6 of 7 days. Oh the 7th day, is sex night on schedule at 10 pm …I am so sad I just told him No. He is very hurt I said I was sorry, but I just can’t lay there one more time!

  58. Francesca

    Hi. I could show my husband this. But I really anythingbhe does at this point is to little too late. We have been together 4 years and married for 2. Hes hasn’t had a job for 3 years. He bearly does anthing. I work fill time and pay all the bills. I also do 90% of the house work. I just dont want sex anymore. In fact when we do I just feel ill. When I refuse he starts a fight! Tells me im his wife and its my job!!! I’ve found him a couple of jobs which he has quit in a matter of hours from starting. A year ago I begged him for more intamisy durinv sex. Like kissing and was told he he doesn’t like kissing!!! What!!! So im now trying to leave. He begs me to stay. This isnt the first time. Is this my fault? Have I made his life to easy?

  59. Kyle Bradford – Author

    Francesca, I think you have to view yourself as partially responsible here. When I consider that he has been employed for 3 of the four years you’ve been together, you have to look at yourself in the mirror and ask what monster have I helped create? With that, he has to be his own person. And there will have to come a point when you will need to make some serious decisions that aren’t contingent upon him getting a job long enough to get you to stay but the moment he gets comfortable again, he quits and resumes his old ways.

    Men often need wake-up calls, it might be high time that you set the alarm.

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