How to make him happy this Valentine’s Day without buying him a thing

Men take a sadistic delight in complaining about Valentine’s Day (which I’m on a mission to officially rename Valenstress Day) and declare it little more than a Hallmark Holiday purely for card designers and florists. And we get this sentiment honestly; for men, Valenstress Day is a lot like playing Russian roulette with arguably higher stakes. Even one slip up on a man’s part, the wrong card, too thoughtless of a gift, or inadequate reverence paid to this most joyous of holidays and he could very well find himself nursing buckshot for months to come.

The pressure on men to deliver the appropriate Valenstress Day gift is indescribable. In fact, this notion of ‘gift’ is an understatement. The fact is it’s more closely related to an ‘experience’. Men shouldn’t be looking for the perfect Valentine’s gift but the perfect Valentine’s experience.

I only say all of this because it’s of vital importance and should be considered when he is the one being shopped for on Valentine’s Day.

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Shopping for men generally isn’t an easy task and women aren’t necessarily to blame for this. First, a female’s genetic makeup only includes enough DNA strands to effectively shop for her children and herself. The evolution of the woman’s ‘shopping gene’ hasn’t produced the necessary adaptations to make her proficient at browsing in Ace Hardware, Bass Pro Shop, or the Harley Davidson dealership. And even when it comes to her shopping ‘sweet spot’, clothing stores, her task isn’t made any easier.

In your traditional three-story department store the Women’s and Kid’s Departments take up 99% of the store’s floor space. Whereas the Men’s Department consists of what is the equivalent of three floor tiles, in the far corner, on the basement level, next to the janitor’s closet.  Not to mention men’s fashion has changed little since the introduction of golf shirts and khaki pants.

If the thought of shopping for your hunk-o-burning-love this Valenstress Day sends your blood pressure skyward, let me be the first to welcome you to his world! But take heart my love struck maiden for I, being the giver I am, will share the basic ingredients which will ensure he is still talking about this Valentine’s Day over Thanksgiving turkey.

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Before we begin I want to make one thing crystal clear; for any man to really enjoy Valentine’s Day the night must end with him having sex. While this may come as a surprise to some women, copulation is an expected outcome on this holiday celebration. And should Mother Nature decide to pay a monthly visit during the festivities, well, it would be wise to mentally prepare for a satisfactory alternative. Without this fundamental element, you could get him a Ferrari and it still wouldn’t be the same.

Ladies, I’m going to be completely honest. Most men think lingerie and negligées are a total waste. First, they are ridiculously expensive. Why is it that 3-inches of red lace and a cotton triangle more costly that a new weed eater? The whole idea is made even more baffling when you stop consider where that little number usually ends up within the first eight minutes. Plus there’s a good chance your five-year-old will find it thrown in a corner and will come downstairs wearing your thong on his head. The second ingredient for making him happy this Valentine’s Day is just be naked. And extra points will be awarded if the urge to put on those 6-inch ‘f$%k me pumps’ is acted upon. He will be ecstatic because you’re not wearing anything and will be even more thrilled that he can make next month’s car payment because you stayed out of Victoria’s Secret.

Food is the third component. Men may think with their penis, but momma didn’t tell you that was the way to his heart, did she? Every man has a favorite dish, it might be from a restaurant or something you, or Heaven help, his momma cooks.  Whatever that is you should make sure it’s on the menu that night. While it would be helpful if it tasted just like his grandma used to make – in this case it truly is the thought that counts. In addition, an ample supply of his chosen adult beverage is always a good call to wash it down with.

Fourth, the kids must disappear. Regardless of how early they go to bed or how much you try to wear them out, a romantic Valentine’s Night and children do not mix. All it takes is one bad dream or a bed-wetting episode to ruin the entire mood. Chances are all the money you saved by ditching the nighty will end up in the hands of the baby sitter you eventually track down. Not only will the bitterness at her lack of a love life drive the price up, you will need extra damage waiver insurance to allow your hellions to be in her home.

Lastly, there is to be no texting, posting, Tweeting, Facebooking, Foursquaring, IM’ing, video chatting, or blogging during the evening. There is to be no talking with your sister about what she got from her new boyfriend, nor will you be listening as your best friend in Tulsa bitches about how big of a loser her husband is for leaving the Walgreen’s price sticker on the box of Russell Stover’s chocolates and the roses he snagged on the way home from work.

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Indeed men are strange little birds but we are strange SIMPLE little birds. We usually don’t need much – except food and sex. Men don’t need flowers, chocolates, or red Teddy bears with hearts on the bottom of their paws. And the best part in all of this is it works year after year. There’s no trying to remember what you got him last year so you don’t repeat it this year. Just remember be naked and feed him.

That’s it. Believe it or not there’s nothing else required to make your man happy on Valentine’s Day. With these ingredients you will have cooked up the perfect meatloaf of love and romance and he won’t be able to wait until the next one comes around.

You can thank me later.