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You know you’re a good parent when your kids hate you
I make no bones about it; I am a tough love parent.And by tough love I mean I have no fear of being the mean parent, when necessary. Whether that trait came from my stalwart father or bigger-than-life grandfather I can’t say. But what I do know is that my veins can run ice cold when the situation warrants.
I can remember, when I was still married, our daughter was just starting to walk. In the week’s leading up she had done what any up-and-coming toddler would do, she crawled, walked, stumbled, fell, and got up again. Even at that age she wasn’t one to be outdone and mastered the art form in record time. With her new locomotive powers she was suddenly lord of everything she surveyed. Sensing the inevitable, we purchased those doorknob covers that keep children from going where they shouldn’t be and scattered them on doors throughout the house. What we didn’t know was that our little one was an engineer in training and had figured out how to to open the doors anyway.
Along with her newfound mobility came improved climbing skills and fearing she might face plant one random night crawling out of her crib we decided to move to stage two of her all-in-one and give her a big-girl bed. Excited about her new sleeping upgrade, I tucked her in the first night with little fuss. In no more than ten minutes I heard her bedroom door open and I looked up to find my shaggy blonde princess staring back at me through the banister spindles with a grin ear-to-ear.
With a stern warning I tucked her back in the bed telling her to stay put. After repeating the same drama two more times that night I finally got her down for the count. I obviously hadn’t thought this entirely through and realized a cure was going to require extreme actions. I had no intention of taking a part time security guard job every night it was bedtime.
While the solution to the problem was simple it wouldn’t have won me any “Parent of the Year” awards. What I was looking for was a way of keeping her in the bed instead of poking around to see what daddy was doing. I wasn’t mechanical enough to rebuild the crib and putting barbed wire around the walls of her room wouldn’t match the decor. So after giving it further thought I landed on a resolution that probably bordered on child abuse. Simply put, I decided to reverse the door handles and lock her inside her room. I realize this was a tad Draconian and could have warranted a Child Services investigation but given the other alternatives it seemed workable.
•♠•
In the 90’s there was a sitcom called Mad about You. It starred Helen Hunt and Paul Riser as a 30-something couple living in a NYC apartment with their dog. Eventually she gets pregnant and has a little girl named Mabel. If you were a fan then you probably remember the episode of them trying to get Mabel to sleep in her crib alone for the first time. They put her in, kiss her good night, and turn the lights off. As soon as the door shuts Mabel bursts into hysterics. The next scene shows mom and dad cowered in the hallway just outside their daughter’s room holding each other with tears flowing and desperately fighting the urge not to run in and save their child from being mauled by the lion that was obviously hiding in her closet. It was heartwarming episode that brought tears to many viewers’ eyes.
I wasn’t one of them.
•♣•
After tucking her in, I kiss her goodnight, turn off the lights, shut the door and lock it. No sooner had I taken my hand off the knob than…
‘click’
‘click, click’
After the third attempt her whining starts. It’s like an ambulance siren you hear off in the distance but is coming at you. The longer I stood there the louder and more frantic her cries became. At one point it sounded like she was surely being eaten alive by dingo’s, but I knew she was dry, fed, and wasn’t injured; she just wanted out, badly. However, unlike Helen and Paul, I wasn’t crouched in the floor watching the confidence in my parenting slowly slipped away – I actually thought it was hilarious and recall holding back the laughter as she carried the theatrics.After about fifteen minutes of this she finally decided it was getting her nowhere. She abruptly stopped and crawled back into bed and within five minutes she was out cold. She attempted to escape her teddy bear laden prison on a few more occasions the following nights, but by the weekend I was able to switch the knobs back without further incident.
I was feeling like the smartest father that ever lived.
•♣•
I always think of that day when I butt heads with one of my kids now. My sandy blonde baby girl is almost ten with her own opinions and my eight-year-old son already thinks he rules the world. But amidst all the change one thing has remained constant. I’m still that daddy who doesn’t fall for lame bullshit.
My parenting style is pretty simple. I spell out the boundaries, let them know the consequences if they go outside them, and hold to my guns if they do. But even after all of this time when they do get out of line and I follow through they still attempt to pour on the guilt trip, especially my son. When he gets in trouble or doesn’t get what he wants he can produce a stare that cuts down to the bone; first he whines and then he sulks. By the look on his face there’s no question I’m the worst parent on the planet. He’ll avoid or ignore me; he may run up to his room or disappear outside, and sometimes even act like I don’t exist. All because he is mad.
And I still think it’s funny every single time he does it.
The Queen has two teens and I get to watch first hand what I’m in for. She has great kids but teenagers will be teenagers and playing the guilt trip card and acting like they hate you doesn’t seem to improve as they get into Middle or High School. I often remind her that their pity parties, sulk sessions, and angry glares are just an act. Since things didn’t get their way they are exacting revenge in the only way they know how. Since breaking up or moving out isn’t an option, what else can they do? If I notice that their guilt having the desired effect I’ll tell her
“…they ‘ll be mad at you until they need to go somewhere or want you to buy them something then you’re back to being the best parent, ever.”
And as predicted when one of them wants to go to the mall all is suddenly right with the world again.
I learned early on that searching for my kids’ approval and parenting to their emotions doesn’t work. The most important thing I must remember is being their parent doesn’t mean being their friend and there are going to be lots of time when I make a decision that’s in their best interest that they are going to hate me for.
But then I feel better because that tells me I must be doing something right.
Great post! I was fortunate to have a son who literally never threw temper tantrums as a child. And when I say literally never, I mean literally never. I seriously considered taking him to the doctor to see if something was wrong with him, but I feared that “always happy” wasn’t a symptom of a treatable diagnosis. Besides, if it was, I wasn’t sure that I wanted to actually treat it. I really didn’t have to deal with crying at bed time or meltdowns in restaurants, etc.
He is, however, a very typical teenager. And I don’t take any shit from him. He pulls the, “Why do you hate me” card when he doesn’t get his way. I reply, “Because you gave me stretchmarks.” He knows I don’t hate him and I’m not going to fall into that trap and say, “Why would you say that? You know I love you very much. What can I do to prove that I love you?”
WOW, it’s so refreshing to see a parent who actually does NOT cater to their child’s every wish these days. Kudos to you!!! I’m also a mean parent and my friends tell me so all the time. However, they are also astonished that with one clap of my hands, or one look of death, my kids tow the line.
YEP.
I’ve written about Love and Logic parenting. I follow that too. And yes, I too reversed the door knobs for my oldest child. The kid was freakishly strong and I was very pregnant with her sister and needed my rest too. Parent of the year or not, it helped us both.
And I’m with you, when a kid says “I hate you” what they really mean is, “Thank you for saving me from myself.”
Good job, daddy.
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What a great post. Nothing wrong with a bit of tough love parenting.I hope you don’t mind but i have posted the post on our site as i thought it would be of interest to our readers. Happy to remove it if you object.
Dad Chat recently posted..Tough Love Parenting
i don’t get any “i hate you” talk. the real hate and fear my girls feel for their dad (i think) removes that. when they come home from a visit i get thanks for things like having food in the house, doing their laundry, letting friends come over, not making fun of them. i do remember saying that to my mom a few times, mostly when i felt like i’d been outsmarted.
Dude,
LOVED the post and loved the Mad About You reference. I dug that show and quite honestly I thought the two had an awesome relationship. It’s been a while since I’ve been here, but I’m feeling much better and plan on hanging out more often. Consider that fair warning.
We really have NO choice these days. If we’re not tough, they’ll mess up!
Bruce Sallan recently posted..Dr. Blunder
Now that is just funny because it is so spot on. The pictures are hysterical and I regret not getting some of my own through the years capturing those “special” moments. You ready to come back to TC on Mondays?
Dawn, Thanks for stopping by. I might be if I wasn’t in Sedona this weekend…:-)
Love Sedona…peaceful, beautiful ride from Phoenix. Me and my girl friend made the drive several years ago. Have fun, I am making my way through your writings…just finished reading all the justification for not moving in together and your beautiful anniversary post. Don’t be too hard on yourself to be perfect. I have no doubt you are a great Dad and I don’t throw that out often.
HAHAHAHAAHA…… This is very alike with my 3 year old daughter. She has her own way on how get mad…. The next hitman hahahhhaah. I love to be a parent Thank you for your post is very awesome.
Funny! I really Love being parent! I remember the tantrums days of my kid during her childhood. Thank you for making me laugh alone, while murmuring my child bad day
Thanks for the posting. I know the feeling well. I have a 13 year old daughter from a previous marriage and a 3 year old toddler son with a new marriage. Trust me there are some days I need the time out time. Between the daughter playing me and my Ex and my son’s trantums with new dad’s heart. Tough love is what you have to do.
I remember my grandma being tough with me and teaching me to show respect and do my homework even if I did want too. Now, I have great respect for her and what she wanted most is for me to succeed in life.
I hope my kids will someday realize the same when they are grown up.
You have no idea what a blessing this post is to me. Parenthood doesn’t end at 18, no matter what the law or ‘common wisdom’ says. My daughter was, and still is, a handfull. Refusing to let your children, or anyone, run your life is the right thing to do. Once they grow up and become an ‘anyone’, the stand you take and the standards you set might continue to exasperate and sometimes enrage them…still, to maintain any self-respect whatsoever, you MUST hold your line. If you wouldn’t take it from a friend, you sure as HELL shouldn’t take it from a child you raised to know better. I’ve been dealing with this very thing lately. THANK YOU.
Thanks for the kind word. It certainly doesn’t end at 18 and I can only hope the work I have done up to that point will eventually provide my kids the foundation they need to do good things later in life.
Loved this! I too am a tough love parent…probably because for a long time I had to be “daddy” & “mommy”. When my oldest was younger (he will be an official teenager on the 9th), I constantly had to remind him that I’m the “boss” not him. Now my saying when being firm with my boys is… “You better get rid of that attitude off your face or…” They know mamma doesn’t play games…I may seem mean @ times but that was how I was raised. My parents didn’t put up with anything…especially when they had 3 teenagers @ one time. Don’t know how they did it… I also love to love on them, but its limited because they are growing up & don’t want hugs & kisses from mamma!
But I know they love me. They are good & happy kids because I use balance when discipline is necessary.
Jennifer, much as you said. They still love you no matter how hard you needed to be at times.
I know I worried about what kind of parent I must be if my two sons friends or girlfriends like to come over to my house because I’m the ‘cool mom.’ It isn’t like I let them drink or smoke or anything at my house. I don’t let my sons talk back to me. I don’t give them everything they want (they have childless aunt and uncle for that, I guess). I didn’t even have much in the way of teenage angst and rebellion from them, either. I could have lived under the old ‘curse’ of ‘may your children be just like you!’, yet I did not end up with any of the sorts of gray hairs from my boys that I know I gave my own mother. So I’m not sure where the ‘cool’ comes from. I like to think it is because I showed how much I loved them, and they felt it.
That tells me you did something right, AM. There are those kids who want to hang out with their parents, just because. I think it’s our job to ride that wave as long as possible, because eventually it will be gone.