For the uninitiated there is a biker code, a set of unspoken laws and regulations anyone who straddles the steel horse adheres to – knowingly or not. Some commands are universal no matter the motorcycle be it a rice burner, dirt bike, street cruiser, or moped, while others are more sled specific. Some are for the rider’s safety while the vast majority are there to ensure the highest level of coolness is always maintained – except for the scooter, it’s thoroughly impossible to be badass on a Vespa.
Need I say more?!?!?
Being a biker is as much image as it is anything.
- Don’t back up your bike with a passenger still on… you look like a rookie.
- Don’t start your bike while it’s in gear… you look like an idiot.
- If you lay your bike down…do it when nobody is looking.
Failure to follow any of these rules could land you in the hospital, in the morgue, friendless, sexless, or in divorce court.
Arkansas Razorbacks head football coach Bobby Petrino is a self-purported biker. In a dramatic twist of irony the ole’ ball coach ran his Harley Davidson with custom Razorback paint job off the road cruising the back country of his home state twenty miles outside of Fayetteville – on April Fools Day.
The police report shows that he ran off the pavement, into a ditch, kissed some trees and suffered cuts, bruises, and a few broken ribs. In the end he injured his ego and pride much more than his body or his bike. The accident report shows he didn’t wait for law enforcement, EMS, or a wrecker service and asked passerbys not to call 911; he flagged a random motorist to take him to the ER. After a brief hospital stay he was back on the practice field and preparing for a press conference where he told University officials and the world he was riding the bike alone.
Except he wasn’t.
[pullquote]Any dude who puts a chick on the back of his bike – more than once – is sleeping with her or wants to.[/pullquote]The University’s own investigation of the events told a much different story and uncovered a laundry list if misdeeds which ultimately led to Petrino’s firing from his multi-million dollar job. In a nutshell, earlier in the week the married 51 year old hired a vivacious blonde half his age as a direct report . The school’s inquiry uncovered that Petrino and the engaged volleyball playing hottie Jessica Dorrell had been in an ‘inappropriate relationship’ prior to the April 1st accident. Apparently taking time to celebrate her new career, instead of going to lunch, Petrino decided to take his new employee for a ride on one of his many motorcycles. It was noted that he conveniently dropped her off at her car before he went on to the hospital.
And that is where Petrino crashed and burned; thinking only with his penis he forgot the #1 rule of the biker code.
The first night I met the Queen I told her that I was a biker and how, in not these exact words, it would be helpful if she liked to ride also. That was over three years ago and today she wants to ride more than I do. She has become the consummate biker babe; she knows the hand signals, the biker wave, and how to look smoking hot while carrying a six-pack in her little biker backpack.
Riding the chopper has become part of who we are as a couple and I don’t feel quite the same when she isn’t sitting on the back. It’s as much a symbol of our relationship as the relationship status on our Facebook pages. In fact, it’s become such an important part of our lives I’m almost certain I could be video taped walking out the front door of the Bunny Ranch and stand a better chance of being forgiven than I could getting caught with another woman on the back of my sled.
It is the most important biker rule there is and obviously the one Petrino forgot,
If you’re a ‘taken’ man – married, dating, or just FWB – under absolutely no circumstance do you put another woman on the back of your bike. Ever.
For the typical biker chick, it’s tantamount to cheating. Because here’s what every biker, especially a biker babe, knows. Any dude who puts a chick on his bike – more than once – is sleeping with her or wants to. Of that principle there is no arguing.
As equally lame as Petrino’s rookie biker move was his response after getting caught with his proverbial chaps down may have been even more insulting, “I am committed to being a better husband, father and human being as a result of this and will work each and every day to prove that to my family, friends and others.” Are you Bobby, we’re glad you figured that out?!?!
On second thought it’s impossible to be a cool biker in two cases, riding a scooter and being a married, lying, cheating head football coach with a fondness for blonde volleyball players.