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Five reasons he doesn’t talk to you anymore
If there is one relationship flaw almost ever man gets tagged with it’s how he doesn’t talk. And by talk I don’t mean a discussion of golf handicaps, the stock market, or Sports Illustrated swimsuit models. I’m referring to revelations of his inner workings, what’s going on within that masculine mind of his, what he’s really feeling.I’m not quite sure if every human male is inflicted with this malady or just the stars of sitcoms and feature length relationship dramas but evidence abounds that men keep their emotional cards close to the chest. And in almost two decades, which involved several committed relationships including marriage, I must admit I’m as guilty of this unseemly personality trait as the next Joe.
But in that time I’ve come to understand, through my own experiences and talking with and listening to other men, what I believe are the handful of reasons so many of us almost seem allergic to opening up with the women in our lives. I don’t have a PhD in Psychology, only real world experience and Southern common sense – plus I’m pretty good at figuring out why I do what I do, not to mention I’ve dealt with each of these at some point in my story.
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He doesn’t think you’ll listen – Some of the poorest listeners I’ve ever known are women. The inability to be a good one is not a man-only problem; women are just as focused on getting their point across – and just as quick to hurry the other person along so they can. Plus many women I know have the habit of taking another person’s issue and using it as a launch pad to talk about their problems, which are invariably worse than everybody else’s. Men know women don’t need them solve a problem – just listen. The thing is, that works the other way just as effectively.
He’s afraid you’ll judge him – The most fragile thing God ever created was the male ego. Never lacking in its need for stroking and boosting, the slightest criticism can send most men into a three-day drinking binge. I should know this has been my Achilles’ heel throughout life. What’s the point of explaining why we’re unhappy, depressed, or angry if we’re just going to be reminded that “I told you so” or “You should have known better”? We already feel stupid; we don’t need to be told we are.
He needs time to process it – The human female tends to communicate unfiltered. Whatever happens or runs through her mind immediately gets discussed. Men don’t normally work that way. The Queen knows if I’m faced with a crisis I need to take time and process it, look at it from other angles, and get my T’s crossed and I’s dotted before I open up. I was laid off from a job in the spring of last year, the moment I found out I called the Queen yet before launching into a myriad of questions she gave me the rest of the afternoon to sort things out and get my bearings straight. I sincerely appreciated that.
He’s scared you’ll be disappointed – Research indicates the one thing that men worry about more than anything else is not being able to provide. But we don’t want to share those fears and worries with you and for good reason. There’s not a man I know whom at some point hasn’t wondered, “What would she think if I told her how I felt?” It may surprise women to know that it matters to men a great deal what they think, regardless of how they may act on the contrary. Men want to appear as the hero and if sharing our fears, mistakes, or those thoughts that keep us up at night could mean we’re no longer your knight in shining armor – we won’t.
He doesn’t respect you – As harsh as this is going to sound it is an absolute reality. I know lots of men and most of them will only talk about personal problems or issues with someone they completely respect, absolutely trust, and fully admire. A man will not reveal his inner workings to someone he doesn’t respect, no matter who they might be including a spouse. My ex-wife is one such example. There was little I shared with her about my feelings or the personal problems I faced, instead I chose the help of a therapist and a prescription of anti-depressants.
It’s a myth that men never talk about their feelings. I know countless numbers of them who do because I’ve often been privileged to be a part of many of those conversations. This male image of a Marlboro Man who keeps everything under his worn out cowboy hat has disappeared along with the Wild West. We understand just as much as anyone how important it is to talk things out and tell others what is going on inside. And believe it or not we want to, we just need some assurances to get us opening up. But don’t take my word for any of this. If the man in your life isn’t talking to you, I’m willing to bet he will – if you let him.
Thank you for the incredible insight into the male mind. My guy opened up to me about a stressful situation at work & later in the day I was thinking that it spoke volumes that he so freely shared the situation with me. I strive to listen with no judgements and an open mind regardless of the situation. Thank you for whispering in my ear & remindinge how invaluable being an active listener can be in a loving relationship.
I was raised by my father and have similar communication issues commonly associated with men. Your article touches on all my reasons for keeping my thoughts from spilling freely out of my mouth! Most of the men in my life have been trained to be wary of a quiet woman…as if she’s a quietly ticking time bomb. But the reality is that I’m just cautious and, for me, communication of my thoughts is an extremely intimate act; not much different from having sex and sometimes more so. In my experience men are very effective communicators and that their words carry more meaning due to the fact they are so conservative in using them! If a man opens up to you about his day, problems, thoughts, loves and fears…a woman MUST acknowledge that by shutting-up and listening. A man is giving her a glimpse into who he is and demonstrating the trust he has in her. It is a gift that men offer to women and women take for granted. Great post!
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Often times, guys perceive things “on the whole”. Listen to the things that “don’t matter” and he’s more likely to talk about the things that do. I’m not saying go study the chemical nature of fermentation, but understand him as person enough to ask a question or two.
If I’m talking about that awesome IPA I brewed with my buddy, and no one’s listening, I’m less likely to talk about that nagging frustration. You’d be surprised how quickly “Oh? How did it turn out?” turns into “Sour, just like my job…” or “Fantastic! It reminds me of that dream I have to visit…” A little attention to detail goes a long way.
Why do I feel like I just gave information to the enemy?
On another note, I can’t tell you how many fights in my past could have been avoided with “Time to process”. There should be a “Like” button for that statement alone.
-Stu
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Thanks for starting a discussion on this. I have a couple of thoughts to respectfully add to the conversation.
First, I think these things apply to both sexes in general. People genuinely want to share and connect but won’t often open up to those they neither trust or respect. And I’d be willing to bet lots of women out there need time to process stuff – myself included.
The myth of the Marlboro Man may be dated but no more so than the myth of Chatty Cathy – the woman who blathers on incessantly about everything and nothing just to fill empty air space. Most often she’s probably trying to connect without really connecting and avoiding real emotion also. But the fact remains that these stereotypes are perpetuated. Men are indeed taught to be “tough” and to repress emotion in order to do so because emotions are considered the domain of the feminine. Women are taught it’s okay to be emotional and in fact that they are expected to be talkative, especially when it comes to all things vapid.
The idea that your man will talk “if you let him” seems to put the responsibility of communication on the woman. In my experience, when there is communication breakdown in a relationship, both parties usually had a hand in creating it and both parties need to make an effort to fix it. We should all be willing to listen compassionately and to trust genuinely in order to keep a relationship healthy.
Lisa,
I agree with you. I think of men who use “If she let me” as a spineless excuse. It’s like boo-hoo, I won’t open up until I have guaranteed acceptance and am completely risk free when doing so. I say go home to Mama. Everyone else in the world takes an emotional risk when opening up about anything but these types of men don’t think they should have to. But they will stay and stay with someone who they clearly don’t trust and never will because they are not testing the relationship or themselves by taking any risk at all. The first word that comes to my mind to describe this man is pussy but I think a more accurate one is ALONE
Great and insightful post as usual.
My husband often opens up to me about stressful work stuff etc. I think in his case (as you rightly said) he needs time to process things before he can share them with me. I afford him this space because I realise this is how his mind works.
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Very good points, Kyle…my wife accuses me of talking too much so we have the opposite problem. She also comes from a family AND tradition that is so different from mine. Mine was/is Jewish and hers was/is Chinese. ‘Nuff said?
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Yes, i think these five reasons are absolutely right. You are not a P.H.D on psychology but you have a great knowledge on psychology. So, your post with these five reasons are very important to me and others.
Wow! So sad. I’m so humbled. I really hope there’s a lot of room for forgiveness for those of us who are still learning. Very important stuff. Thanks.
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