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Are you engaged or did he shut you up?
The average length of an engagement in the US has been rapidly declining over the last five years according to the WeddingReport.com. In ’05-’06 the length was 18 months, in ’09-’10 it dropped to just 15 months. Pure speculation here, but I think much of this drop has to do with two things. First, more second marriages are taking place which doesn’t typically necessitate yearlong prep times to arrange for the perfect day. They’ve already been there and gotten the T-shirt. And second reason is more first time couples are paying for the wedding themselves; meaning they aren’t held up waiting for mom and dad’s pastor to become available and an opening in grandma’s hundred year old church sanctuary.
Quite normally the first question asked after a couple announces their engagement is “When’s the date?” I can recall having the date set, or close to it, the night I popped the question. As if pushing a lever, once the ring is put on her finger countless gears are set into motion to manufacture marital bliss.
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A phenomenon has come about of late which appears to be gaining traction in our ‘shack up’ culture. It’s a development that leaves me wondering who exactly is getting the better end of the marital deal.
The Queen and I aren’t married – or engaged – it’s inevitable and we’ve talked about it. But the stars haven’t come into perfect alignment yet and neither of us seems overly worried that after three years we haven’t gotten on with it already. By our calculations we are several years away from making the next phase of our life a reality. And the only people bothered by it all is everybody other than those it impacts most – notably her and I and our kids.
So if her and I are both dancing to the same beat, each knows the other is totally for seeing this thing through the long haul, is there really any use her and I have in an engagement right now? Is there a need for me to plop down two months salary for a ring announcing a marriage that we couldn’t predict a date for if we had a crystal ball? Maybe I’m a bit old fashion but the purpose of an engagement is to get married, right?
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So why is it I see so many in a perpetual engagement? Those couples who are engaged and when asked about the big day respond, “we don’t know yet”, or “we haven’t talked about it.” I want to ask them how exactly did the conversation go when he got on one knee, opened the little blue box, and said “will you marry me?” Did he follow it up with a disclaimer outlining the terms of this said engagement clarifying what he means by ‘marriage’?
I know numerous couples that have been engaged for years, in fact lots of years. When asked about the big day they, usually her, blow off the question with “we’re still talking about it”, or “we’ve got too much going on right now”. Frankly I leave those conversations wondering if they’re engaged or did he just shut her up? But then there are those few who don’t want to be married, just engaged treat their relationship like an offshore tax shelter protecting their ‘assets’ or think they think this way they get all the fun without any of the heavy lifting.
I’ve seen this played out several times like a bad date movie staring Ryan Reynolds. They are dating, maybe living together (usually living together), life is going great and suddenly she wakes up one morning and realizes she’s been giving away free milk for too long. She begins dropping innuendos and subtle remarks as they pass the mall jewelry store, she might bring home a Modern Bride magazine for the coffee table, or she asks him what would make a good honeymoon spot. And should she actually bring up the subject he’ll usually feign the stomach flu and rush off to bed, or talk about how he’s too busy right now and next week might be better to have this conversation. But inevitably the nice girl routine wears thin and being fired up after a girl’s night out motivational seminar and an hour conversation with mom the gloves come off. Now things get nasty. She begins making demands, talking about how she wants to be at this point by this age, questions about where this thing is going, and if she’s really desperate so come the ultimatums.
The guy, sensing things are about to get super ugly, begins weighing his options. On the one hand he can call her bluff and see if she folds or dumps him. Or he can throw in the towel and prepare to spend the next years of his life in showers of the bridal and baby kind. But suddenly like a sign from above he wonders what would happen if he gets engaged…then goes AWOL on setting the date. Simply avoids the conversation entirely holding her off for as long as he can? His logic is simple, she has the ring so she’s preoccupied for a good twelve months showing it off to her others and talking about weddings superficially but never hers specifically. He might even explain that he wants to have the ring paid off before they get married and she’ll love him even more for being so responsible.
Yet the big day never happens, jobs eventually change, holidays fall on top of each other, and life gets in the way. So she waits. Then one day she wakes up and it dawns on her she’s been engaged for five years and they are no closer to getting on with it than they were the night he asked. And in that moment she finally understands she was never really engaged, he just shut her up.
soo true. my last relationship I was engaged for 10 yrs…yes I said 10…and I did come to realize it was all just to shut me up. and now im engaged again, coming up on a year in August. He says he wants to get married within two years. well who knows anymore. I wanted to be married so badly as ive been growing up but now I just dont think its all its cracked up to be..Trying to shut a girl up can
definately change a girls mind on marriage.
10 years is certainly enough time to get to know each other. Do you feel he will come through on that commitment in 2 years? You don’t sound convinced and from that prior engagement I could understand why.
well to be honest I really don’t know if he will follow through. and if he don’t do I leave and start over just to do it again….The reasoning its being put off now is the whole financial situation, but whose to say we wont have financial problems then….Its complicated because do I really need a paper to say I’m married, and do I want to give an ultimatum to him that we must be married by a certain time or I walk…Its all really so confusing. I guess what it comes down too is don’t propose just because you think it will keep her around just a little bit longer…I say just be honest…If you know your probably not going to follow through after you propose than why bother…just my opinion and would save a whole lot of heartache on both ends
There is too much weight placed on the marriage contract. As if that piece of paper secures future fidelity, financial security, and commitment. I do believe in the institution of marriage but find it disturbing that it has become a tool or bargaining chip. A woman needs to really be honest with herself; “Why do I want to get engaged/married?” And men need to stop using engagement rings as duct tape…just to shut her trap.
Marrie recently posted..A Birthday Message of Love and Gratitude
Marrie, I think the question that needs/must be asked:
“Is marriage a feeling (or a commitment)? In fact is a relationship a commitment or simply a feeling? What I mean by that is we use the word ‘commitment’ way too loosely in our society. We are committed usually until the feeling wears off. Too often we put so much emphasis on that ‘warm and fuzzy’ and as soon as it wears off, and it always does, we inherently assume the relationship is over.
I foresee a post forthcoming on this subject.
I wonder this myself. Sometimes I think that people are getting engaged just to keep the other person sweet until they find someone better. Why stay engaged for 13 years, right?
Also, people talk about the perfect wedding. What’s the perfect wedding? A wedding is one day of your life together, which can cost you the same amount for a house deposit.
My husband and I didn’t get engaged. And when we married it was at the registrar. Our live together is the ‘romantic’ period. Our live together is the ‘best’ day/s of our lives. Our life together is the ‘perfect’ wedding.
A wedding is a day. A marriage is a lifetime. Many people get them mixed up. A big fat, expensive wedding doesn’t translate into a happy marriage. Just like a long engagement doesn’t translate into a long marriage. Sometimes it does just the opposite.
Anne @ relationships blog recently posted..Cost Of Raising Kids
“A wedding is a day. A marriage is a lifetime.” — that’s an excellent quote Anne! I may borrow it one day.
Staying engaged for over ten years does not just feel right. The two people involved must be having different agendas or opinions to want to wait for so long. My wonder is what’s the point of waiting to get married that long and then it happens that the marriage does not even work?
Hi Kyle.. I think there are a lot of couples today who are engaged yet they are not even together or there are some too who are living together yet they are not married..
Sigh. I’ve been dating a Dad (he has 3, I have 1) for over 2 years. We are both seriously committed and know we will get married, have a child together, etc. I’m not really sure what the hold up is on getting engaged.
He knows that whenever he proposes all the plans will be put in motion and we both agree on no open-ended engagement period. We don’t live together, but are fully integrated in each other’s lives. We go on family vacations together, attend kids events, etc. I feel like we have both assumed the role of step parent in the kids lives, but just don’t have the official title to back it up – this makes me feel really frustrated. It’s like he wants me to assume the role of wife, but doesn’t want to make it legal. What gives?
When I broach the topic of marriage (maybe 3x in our entire relationship) he says he’s not ready to have a timeframe and we should just enjoy dating for now. I feel we are definitely at the point of agreeing on a timeframe. Aside from him paying alimony for 2 more years, money is not the issue. This seems like a cop out? If we know we are going to spend our lives together why can’t we talk about spending our lives together? I am not the girl that’s obsessed w the ring or the dress, I just want to really start our life together.
“I am not the girl that’s obsessed w the ring or the dress, I just want to really start our life together.” –
R, aren’t you already starting a life together? Granted it doesn’t look like what you might hope based upon time frames or what you had in your mind but you do have a life together. Let me make a suggestion, before asking why he is wanting to wait, try asking why you are ready right now. What is it about your current relationship that isn’t satisfying. Are you caught up in someone else’s notion of what a relationship should look like after 2 years together, based upon your age and this life stage?
Secondly, has he given you any reason whatsoever to believe that his intentions aren’t completely honest and straightforward? Have you seen evidence that he might not be as sincere as you hope, and you believe by moving the relationship forward towards an end date of marriage that will somehow alienate your fears?
As someone who has been there already, I’m not in any desire to speed along the process and jump into something when it isn’t necessary. As I see it I have a lifetime with the Queen and at this point waiting, though not my perfect scenario nor maybe your boyfriends either, is the best decision right now.
I’d love to hear your feedback to this and thanks for your input. I may want to use your comment, and my response, if a future post (any specifics will be eliminated)
Thanks!
Thank you for your response – I always appreciate a male point of view on such issues!
Yes, we have started our life together in a way. To clarify, I am not ready to get married asap, but I am ready to discuss a window of time in which we will get the marriage ball rolling. We have known each other for over 3 years, been seriously dating for over 2 and I feel that an engagement within the next year (from now) is perfectly reasonable. And then married within a year of the proposal. I just don’t see the point in delaying the inevitable.
Dating w kids and exes and alimony and mortgages and wanting to have another baby doesn’t give either of us the freedom of “winging it” on whatever happens happens. We just don’t have that luxury and that is okay.
We have definitely had people ask us when we are getting married (all of our kids, family, friends, etc) but that is to be expected because we are always together, with kids, etc. I don’t think the pressure is coming from external sources, it is us wanting to have a baby that requires an engagement, marriage, etc first. We dont live together and i wouldnt even consider it until well into the engagement anyway, for many reasons.
For a guy, is there a magical engagement lightbulb that will go off? Sometimes I feel pacified with fancy dates and exotic vacations in lieu of a ring. While I know he loves me and we definitely have a future together, I don’t know what the hold up is.
“wanting to have another baby” — that changes things a bit. I admire you wanting to wait until marriage. Most don’t.
Certainly I think men, and most anyone, hits their ‘tipping point’ and then decides they are ready to move forward. Obviously that looks different for everyone.
My advice to you is to be extreme transparency and likewise for him. You both are obviously looking at your future through different lenses. He may be waiting for a specific time/event/situation. You feel that may have already arrived as far as you are concerned.
What usually happens here is that one (or both) begins to lose out hope and ultimately that turns into a loss of respect for the other person. She doesn’t feel he is listening to her, understands her needs and in reality he may not really know and vice-a-versa. What you certainly don’t want to happen is your frustration to turn into resentment. Once you’ve crossed that threshold it’s almost impossible to go back. And the only way I know to ensure that doesn’t happen is to share your concerns with him, not in an attempt to change his mind or to get him to see things your way, but to make sure he understands (and appreciates) your thinking. And through those conversations hopefully you both can come to a joint understanding and create a way to move forward.
Ten years is a waaaaaaay too long for people to stay engaged. They must be having some other things in their relationship wait that long. Nowadays some people even take as less as three months and then get married.