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My kids and the birthday dilemma
I was born, you were born, that clerk at the tag office was born to. It’s a common event shared with the 7 billion or so others on the planet. And with only 365 days in a calendar year, based on the averages, roughly 69 million of them share the same birthday. When one stops to look at it in those terms, what’s the entire ruckus with our birthday really about anyway?Why do so many act like the day of their birth is carved out only for them and rest of the world should prostrate in worship and gladness that providence saw to it we were graced by their presence? From the beginning, for many, a birthday entails the stoppage of time and space in order to celebrate. Banners are erected, parties thrown, and clowns hired for the purpose of making the “birthday boy/girl” feel as completely and totally special as possible – because God knows we all need to feel special. And as time goes on if mom, dad, or a friend isn’t there to continue the tradition it’s become totally acceptable, and in perfectly bad taste, to throw a birthday party – for ourselves.
Maybe this negative sentiment is the result of growing up with my birthday never arriving to fanfare and tickertape parades. I have little memory of any of my birthday parties as a kid and have only found a few pictures evidencing that one ever took place. Where I was from the world didn’t stop rotating on its axis the morning of every June 10th. And having recently passed my 42nd time around the sun I’m glad it never did.All I longed for was a child mature enough to brush her teeth and wash her own hair.
•♦•
Today marks my oldest child, Sunshine’s, 10th birthday. Achieving the big 1-0 brings mixed emotions; I can’t believe she’s this old but I often thought she would ever get here. I’ve been a single dad for 80% of her life and there were times, in those early years, when all I longed for was a child mature enough to brush her teeth and wash her own hair. Now aside from me paying the electricity bill and chauffeuring her around she handles most things quite well. At the rate this decade flew she’ll be moving into her own apartment next week.
You might think we’re planning g a blowout to celebrate hitting double digits with a Taylor Swift theme, caterers, party favors, and a DJ.
But you’d be wrong.
Instead she will wake up to birthday hugs and kisses from her father and a trip to the donut shop for breakfast. Later she’ll likely immerse herself in “Good Luck Charlie” episodes while cleaning her room and making her bed. Since she has the patience of an infant she’s already gotten her birthday presents all of which were necessities and not electronics whose names begin with vowels. We’ll have sandwiches for lunch and she’ll get to blow out candles on cupcakes I got for 50% off at the grocery store. And if we’re lucky and my day is light we might see the pool before afternoon is over.
Later in the day her mom and I will make the switch and they’ll go to Sunshine’s favorite restaurant for dinner. The only traditional birthday-‘ish’ thing she will do is a movie and sleepover with three friends at her mom’s house a few weekends from now — because no upstanding parent would allow their daughter to spend the night with her friend and her single dad.
In the end the sun will set on Sunshine’s 10th birthday with no fireworks, ponies, limo rides, or mayoral decrees. And the strangest thing in it all – she thinks it’s supposed to be this way.
•♦•
Enjoying coffee one morning I couldn’t help overhearing a twenty something talking about her upcoming birthday plans. She proceeds to correct her friend that this isn’t her birthday but actually her birth-‘month’. She explains how the people in her life are aware of the lofty birthday expectations and parents, family, and friends have seen to it every weekend has been slated with some form of festivities, from dinners, to parties, to birthday get-a-ways. I didn’t know whether to wish her happy one or ask when her daddy issues started.
The world is full of adults whose parents didn’t make them feel special. I get that responsibility as a dad. But we’ve taken this idea of birthdays, especially children’s birthdays, to an obnoxiously obscene level. No longer can they be mere observances with a cake and candles, but instead have been turned into a national holiday and orchestrated affairs that require event planners and a security detail. I’ve witnessed boy’s birthday parties that include custom T-shirts and little girl’s parties that are an afternoon in the spa. Bygone are the days of a simple party at home with a Betty Crocker cake and dad’s amateur attempts at writing in frosting that more resemble Sanskrit than birthday wishes.
As a single father it would be oh so very easy to give into this birthday dilemma and give Sunshine whatever celebration her 10-year-old heart desires. Her parents are divorced doesn’t she deserve special treatment? Birthdays are how ‘Disney Land Dads’ got their start, right? But by hopping that train takes her and I someone we don’t want to go. Divorced or not, the last thing I want my daughter to be is a twenty something who thinks the world should stop every June 19th, because mommy or daddy made it do so. Ever wondered where kids’ entitlement issues start?
No, Sunshine will wake up to a father who’s thankful and blessed she is in his world and who will recognize the day for what it is – without ever making a big deal of any of it.
Amen and well said! I feel exactly the same way. I was lucky if I skipped a beating on my birthday when I was a child. This alone was a gift to me.
I make my kids feel special each day. I have never been the parent who invites the whole class to the party so my kids could get 30 odd presents on their birthday. We have 3 kids. They take turns in having birthday parties – this means we have 1 birthday party a year, and only for close friends they actually like.
This year my 10 year old is having a sleep-over for 3 friends. We’ll go to the city centre with the girls, eat some fast food (this is a treat we don’t always do), return home and spend some time playing games etc. I’d rather invest in time than give my kids huge parties and spend loads of cash. They’ll remember me planning games for their friends to play – not how much money I spent each year.
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“I make my kids feel special each day” – Ann that statement is the key. My intent was to put it in the post but felt it was almost understood. But as you stated in your comment, apparently it isn’t as common as I thought.
Hey Kyle, after our conversations on the plane a couple weeks ago I’ve been a little caught up in this philosophical ideology phase that I believe you may have re-ignited in my mind. Thanks again for your ideas and I’ll be looking forward to following your posts!
Thomas, So glad to hear from you. I went back to our conversation the other day while on a plane. Feel free to provide your wisdom and insight anytime, it is always appreciated. Thanks for contribution.
This post struck a chord and I cannot keep my comments brief. Just out of the gate, I’ll start of by saying that people aren’t ‘envious’ or ‘jealous’ of others when people make comments about a parent’s over-the-top antics (because that’s exactly what it is by parents — antics) who want to impress (make no mistake, that’s exactly what it is) and ‘give their kids what they never had’ (and what’s wrong with a simple cake, ice cream and togetherness time?) are simply ridiculous. I would have loved to have a few get-togethers when I was younger, but I had very, very few friends, and frankly, my single mother had more important things to do with the money she had. We have to wonder why some of these kids are spoiled rotten. Your precious little ones generate the attitudes they do based on the behavior of those around them, i.e. parents and others who make them feel like they’re God’s gift to the planet. Everyone wants to feel special. We all do. But ‘things’ and ‘Super Sweet 16′ and ‘Quiero Mis Quinces’ a-la MTV, especially in incredibly tough economic times are examples of pathetic displays of over-indulgence. Okay, let me take a step back. Maybe if you want to make your child’s special day for milestone birthdays, like 13 (bar/bat mitvahs), 15 (in Spanish/Latino cultures) and 16, okay, splurge a little. But, really, I don’t remember the name of the show, but it just made me sick to see extravagance thrown up on small children. Really, does a toddler and 5 or 6 year old need all that? I’m a harsh critic because our societies (and it’s not just here in America) are breeding these bratty human beings with expectations of what they “want” and not “may I please have”. “I want…” was not happening in my day. Excuse me? If I pulled that crap on my mother, I don’t think I’d be typing at this moment. Adults, make no mistake: We reap what we sow. If you think it stops with the parents, I wish. Worked in an office lately? I work with a group of professionals who were told and treated from birth like the sun rose and shone on them. My reality: I did not go crazy and splurge on myself until my 4th decade a few years ago, and well, I’m grown, I can do that. I figured, I’d earned it and I know what bills I need to pay when the party feeling is over. BTW, my 4th decade was celebrated for an entire year. Yes, an entire year, where I did a few special things here and there. I had never done anything like that before and it was worth it, and I have such special memories. We really need to take a step back and look at the big picture when we do things. Children see what we do and think it is so and can be so all the time. What a reality check some of us have gotten in this economic downturn (and there have been others). No, you cannot have the clown and party planner every year. But, hey, what do I know? I think clowns are creepy. What happens when you just can’t afford it anymore because of unfortunate cirmcumstances? What then?
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BPS, you feel free to comment as lengthy as you want. It clearly is a way to impress the masses and point the arrow squarely in my direction. “Look at me, look what a great parent I am” I just bought my 4 year old a pony”.
What struck me was the comment that people won’t let their girls spend the night at a single dad’s home. Wow, I never thought about that. Very eye opening.
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Most people don’t. I wrote an entire post about that topic: http://chopperpapa.com/2012/01/im-a-single-dad-not-a-child-molester/
One of the complaints my ex-wife had about me was that I didn’t have big parties for her birthday.