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Our need for closure and the greed behind it
Most of us live with the conviction that we are entitled to know ‘why’. It seems our curious minds refuse to settle simply for the ‘what’, and instead push ahead in search of motive and reason. This privilege, which usually starts as a plea but finds its crescendo in a demand, becomes accentuated in the midst of a break-up.
Rarely do romantic relationships end in consensus; one-half of the couple decides he or she needs greener pastures, which usually comes as a surprise to the other half. And the curb kicked recipient is sent careening off a cliff in search of clarification. “Why are you doing this?”
While a natural reaction from a creature with a need for things to make sense, our hunt for too many answers can unwittingly set us up for even more suffering.
•♦•
All human insecurity stems from rejection. Think about that statement for a moment. A lifetime of scars left by the desertion and disappointment of family, friends, and former lovers all blend to create a cocktail of self-doubt leaving a perpetual hangover. The promises made to never let that happen again lead to a trigger-happy defense anytime we sense another threat of good-bye.
One only needs to look at his or her life for evidence of this fact. Lights explode and flags wave as our censors detect the missiles of incoming heartbreak and all of those memories of former hurts, repressed in the comfort of our current relationship, suddenly rush back with fresh mercilessness. The Band-Aids are torn off. Because the feelings of rejection never completely heal; having one’s heart ripped from the chest can’t be mended with merlot and casual sex.
At it’s basic level a break-up is one person telling another you’re no longer “worthy”, “ adequate”, and “lovable”. Anyone, when faced with those accusations, impulsively wants to defend themselves. The purpose of which becomes twofold; prove they’re wrong and we’re right.
“I don’t work all the time.”
“I’m always here for you.”
“We had sex last week.”
“You’ll never find someone else like me.”
In truth the need to know ‘why’ is important so I can convince myself the reasons you’re breaking up with me are petty, self-centered, and superficial which makes me the victim in all of it. This lets me to believe it’s all your fault, making it easier to feel that I’m better off without you and that I deserve someone who will appreciate me more. ‘I’m right, you’re wrong.’
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Not long after my divorce I dated a woman for a little over a year. Her prior marriage ended from an affair with a man who methodically broke her heart after several years together. She was devastated, confused, and angry. Completely understandable, except by the time we met their relationship had been over for five years. She had yet to settle with the reasons he gave for wanting to end what they had and she continued to believe he owed her a ‘better explanation’. During our relationship she could never articulate why she randomly stalked him on the internet, would ask old friends about him, or bash any girlfriend he might be seeing; all she could say was how she hadn’t received closure.
]To me, ‘closure’ is mere psychobabble serving as a label for why people can’t get over someone. I’ve always noticed how those who speak of needing closure are usually the ones broken-up with; and that it’s always expressed in the form of a debt that needs repaying, “he owes me a better explanation!”. The thing I find with people crying out for ‘closure’, much like that ex, isn’t a misunderstanding of the reasons for the break up – they just don’t agree with them. The ‘why’ isn’t justified to their liking.
Have you ever met someone who still isn’t over a relationship even though it’s been ample time? They just can’t seem to move on with their life and instead remain stuck in the past? I’ve found that when I look beyond the pity I may feel for them I find someone still wrestling with anger at how the relationship ended, bitterness that the other person has moved on, and resentment at the explanation given for the good bye. And while they usually play nice in public, each of these emotions are aimed at one target, because that person has yet to provide them with closure. The relationship tab is still open.
We are responsible for our own closure in a failed relationship; it isn’t an account that other person is required to settle on our behalf. They rationalized why the relationship should end for themselves, so why do we feel it’s their responsibility to do the same for us? I think pity and greed leads to an often ignored entitlement mentality which says that since the other person wanted the breakup they now bear the burden of providing me with the closure I need so I can get on with my life. In other words we want the break up to be on our terms letting us feel that we’re right. But when that doesn’t happen closure usually becomes the issue.
It’s been said that hello’s last five seconds and good-byes take a lifetime, but I believe that’s only if we make it that way.
We start off early watching television and then envisioning our American dream. As a child, we play with our babies, doll houses, and writing in our diaries. We start at the tender age of 4 or 5 looking for our prince charming to marry. Over time, we replace our crushes of princes and other Disney characters with real boys. Sometimes it is the boy that sits next to you in class or a movie star. Either way, it is getting you ready for that all important task called LOVE………
http://www.richlymiddleclass.com/parenthood
Thanks
You’re so right. It’s all about ego and self-preservation, although I’m sure many would disagree (in an attempt at self-preservation). It’s hard to stop asking “why?” (and give up the consolation prize of being The Victim)… yet, it’s absolutely necessary to let go of the past in order to effectively move on.
Knowing the cause of Humpty Dumpty’s fall off the wall won’t change the fact that he can’t be put together again. The important thing is to accept what *is* without comparing the current situation to a more desirable one (that only perpetuates one’s own suffering). Only then is it possible to fully step forward.
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“Knowing the cause of Humpty Dumpty’s fall off the wall won’t change the fact that he can’t be put together again” Good analogy Tara. I may need to use that one day.
This is very true. I was talking about this very thing with a colleague two days ago. She wanted closure. I told her that sometimes there isn’t a reason for the break-up. Sometimes the break-up is due. Other times it just happens. If you stick two incompatible people in a house together, after the good times and the sex have been explored there’s nothing left.
This is a break-up due any day. I’m surprised your friend still needed closure. The affairs alone should’ve done it. As you said, we’re responsible for our own closure. Great post.
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” sometimes there isn’t a reason for the break-up Sometimes the break-up is due” — interesting concept. Would you describe these as relationships of convenience?
Well said. I discovered this phenomena soon after I moved out. The crazy thing was that she was the one seeking the closure, even though she was the one who had been having the affairs. And yes, the words “I’ll always love you” have shown up in a text message.
My closure happened right along with the door, that was now just hers, closing behind me on my way out.
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“I’ll always love you” — But not enough to stay faithful?!?!?
Excellent post once again Chopper Papa. Don’t you just love folks who don’t man up (or woman up) and take responsibility…always putting the blame on someone or something else. Never having the balls to look in the mirror.
Only because I have been there.
Thanks Michelle!
I have had challenges with closure twice. I’ll be the first to say that I had a hard time letting go because I didn’t understand or maybe because I didn’t want to accept.
Once I was told that we just had bad timing. That irked me because I was willing to work to make it work. Bad timing wasn’t a reason that I could wrap my head around very easily.
The other experience was with a woman who never gave me a reason. She just said that she didn’t want to see me anymore. I wanted to hear ‘I don’t love you’ or ‘I met someone else’ but I never got that.
So I wondered about it.
The conclusion I came up with is that sometimes you don’t get answers and you to accept that because otherwise you waste time chasing ghosts.
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“you to accept that because otherwise you waste time chasing ghosts.’ —
And we must admit that don’t have a right to get answers.
Sometimes you just gotta say “fu*k it” and move on.
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agreed!
I think as humans we’re hard-wired to look for the “why” – it’s the driving force behind our evolution and growth as a species. You hit the nail on the head about rejection, and how we spend too much time chasing a “why” that will never come.
There’s some value in doing a post-mortem on a failed relationship or situation, if only to figure out what we can learn from it. Unlike the movies, I’m learning that there are not answers to the “why”… we can only hope to use reflection and introspection to avoid making the same mistakes twice.
“we can only hope to use reflection and introspection to avoid making the same mistakes twice.’ – Great analysis….without it we will make the same mistakes again.
Exactly! In my co-dependant world I struggle with the “why” as more of an exit survey. The co-dependent in me wants to know what I did wrong so I won’t do it again in my next relationship. I would rather know the why and reconcile myself to it than have my feelings spared and repeat the offending behavior. I know where that philosophy comes from and it’s a daily battle to keep the co-dependancy in check but if I knew the ‘why’ it would put my mind at rest.
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Melanie, I understand your position. I’ve found however that the ‘why’ might initially settle our nerves, we usually have the proclivity to dwell upon it later on and as things go by so does our resentment around it. I think there is a fine line that can be easily crossed.
Great post! I can totally relate. Without dragging the past back up… my heart not only needed that closure but it was part of the healing process of letting go & moving on. Thanks again!
To me this closure thing I thought was absolutely necessary after many affairs, a baby girl that he doesnt love and never supports, an STD and many tears dropped. Despite all this I guess closure was something I needed to move on…I havent moved on and believe you me there has been no closure he just threw his affairs on my face, tried to make me have an abortion and said I caught the STD somewhere else. He broke my heart…hell he broke my soul but looking at my six month old baby girl is enough closure for me I guess. The STD fortunately was treatable and well it has been hard for me to even think about finding another man to share my life with because Ill admit it… Im terrified of having to go through the same crap all over. BUt faith is all I need and the comfort of knowing that my baby girl is healthy and so am I…. I still feel a desperate need for moral support though…
Rimabell, In my humble opinion, tt sounds to me like you’ve got your hands full right now. Maybe focusing on you and your daughter might be exactly what you need.
Hi, long time reader / 1st time poster. First, i love your blogs, they are topical and insightful and tend to find myself nodding and smiling, yet I also find them very black and white. Take for example the quote from the comments “Knowing the cause of Humpty Dumpty’s fall off the wall won’t change the fact that he can’t be put together again” which I loved…..but to put it in perspective….should humpty muster the strength to get himself back together as you suggest he should do, then, not knowing the cause just sets him up for it to happen again.
I think everyone who gives someone else their time, their trust and their love, absolutely deserves an expanation, an answer to “why” it’s what they choose to do with that answer that defines them.
Colleen,
Thanks for your comment and your nice words. I’m not so sure that by not knowing the cause we are setting ourselves up for failure again. Because, and I didn’t say this in the piece, we usually know why in time anyway, though we may not want to admit it.
Again, thanks!