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Fifty Shades of Wishful Thinking
This phenomenon with Fifty Shakes of Grey baffles me. Critics claim the writing is insipid likened more to the musings of a teenage schoolgirl than an author whose pen has garnered international fame. Yet the books’ success is undeniable and has sent publishers of the genre historically reserved for middle-aged single women with too many cats scrambling to repackage former ‘romance’ classics for a new batch of readers, and ignited hopeful EL James’s into furiously pounding the keyboard – no pun intended.Why I give an iota about the novels I can’t say for sure, maybe it’s their meteoric success or why this storyline is so intriguing when it seems to epitomize what women throughout history have fought so hard to overcome. What I can state emphatically is that I haven’t read the books – entirely. How the first two installments landed in my possession at all shall remain secret for fear of recrimination but is definitive proof a higher power, and while most men would have left them on the dining room table I was intent on deciphering what makes them irresistible to so many.
Desiring to figure out what it is about this particular flame that lures so many moths, one afternoon I scanned the pages in search of its magic ingredients. I immediately discounted the gratuitous sex out of sheer absurdity (i.e. a twenty something virgin – never kissed – gets world rocked first time), and massive boredom forced me to pass over the tedious email interludes between main characters that seemed little more than filler. But buried in the final pages of book one I finally happened upon the treasure I sought. After the heroine had been submissively ass-kicked into humiliation by her billionaire masochistic boyfriend she indignantly dumps the psychopath on the spot and leaves his mansion under a cloud of disgust,
“I climb into the back of the car…Embarrassment and shame wash over me. I’m a complete failure. I had hoped to drag my Fifty Shades into the light, but it proved a task beyond my meager abilities.”
And there it was. I had followed the rose line and found the Holy Grail. Now I understood that while the sex, bondage, and carnality might have grabbed the attention of these women, what kept them turning the page was something more profound – hope. A few weeks later this notion was confirmed when I asked a woman who had read all three books why she thought Fifty Shades of Grey was such a success,
“They give women everywhere a glimmer hope that they too can fix their man. If Anastasia can change someone as f*ed up as Christian Grey there’s hope for all of us.”
•♦•
Generally speaking men don’t have the best of reputations. In many respects this is by our own doing. Men are most often recognized by their character flaws with labels such as cheaters, liars, and narcissists. All of this leaves women, single and married, wondering where the good ones have gone, if any are left at all. The consensus is, given credence by sitcoms and daytime talk TV, that with such meager pickings in the man pool women have no choice but to reach down in the muck of masculinity and pull up whatever will suffice, then spend the rest of her days trying to conform him into what she hoped for all along.Let’s be real, isn’t that what fantasy is all about anyway, the romanticized fulfillment of an unmet reality?
•♦•
When it comes to romantic relationships between a man and woman there’s an understood dynamic that gets rarely talked about and it’s this. The woman ought to be accepted for who she is including her bitchiness, mood swings, and insecurities – because it’s part of the package. And a man’s failure to do so gets him tagged controlling, demanding, even misogynistic. While he, on the other hand, is viewed as a raw lump of clay waiting to be shaped into something of beauty, form, and function. And should he fight against these ‘improvements’ he’s stubborn, insensitive, and well, a man
Most men, if pressed, would admit to experiencing this first hand – the pressure to become something that seems more palatable and easy to digest. While the majority of women, if answering honestly, would confess to pushing for it, and even feeling altruistic in her tolerance of his repeated disappointments and her continued attempts at fine turning Mr. Maybe into Mr. Right, all the while claiming it’s in the name of love. Which brings me back to Fifty Shades of Grey.
Christian Grey is uncommonly handsome, unimaginably rich (he bought a company just because his girlfriend worked there and he thought her boss was a pervert), loves her with the intensity of Charles Manson, and pursues her with the ferocity of a serial rapist; all of which more than makes up for his clinical insanity, controlling nature, premeditated abusiveness, and the incapability of expressing love unless he’s sexually humiliating her or treating her as a blow up doll and punching bag. All of which compels Anastasia to take pity on him and, as she puts it, ‘drag him into the light’.
•♦•
By the grace of God my Queen has no desire to read the novels, quite frankly I’d be troubled and self-conscious if she did. Because I have to believe there is a hard truth in my friend’s rationale for the books’ popularity. Let’s be real, isn’t that what fantasy is all about anyway, the romanticized fulfillment of an unmet reality? Doesn’t Anastasia’s persistence at straightening out the unraveling of someone as demented as Christian give hope and validation to women everywhere hoping to change their own Fifty Shades? And doesn’t her eventual achievement in turning him around, even if that might mean whelp marks and anal beads, fuel those aspirations?
Like the man who views pornography then wishes his partner looked and acted more like the actresses he sees on the screen, isn’t it possible Fifty Shades generates the same dissatisfaction in reverse? “Why can’t my man be more erotic, more wealthy, and more passionate?”
And to be clear, hiding behind some defense that it’s ‘just entertainment’ doesn’t change the fact that Fifty Shades does raise these sorts of questions in the women who read it. And any amusement or potential sexual thrills gained from reading about Anastasia’s avant-garde erotic exploits hardly makes up for the damage that comes from hoping, “I wish he was more like Christian Grey!”
I haven’t read the books and I have absolutely zero desire to. It makes me sad that there are so many women out there gobbling this up, even if it is as a fantasy. There’s lots of other erotic reading material out there in which the women aren’t degraded and abused.
I do think that you’re onto something with this whole fantasy that some women have about changing their man. I’m not one of those women; however, I certainly do see this in our society for sure.
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I haven’t read these either, but I read *about* them the other day and they started as Twilight fan fiction. You haven’t covered that particular trope, which also garnered a huge following of middle aged women. I read the first one or two of those and after wanting to pummel the “heroine”, I stopped. If the masses are reading Fifty Shades, I’ll stay away, TYVM.
It is really sad when women try to change men as men are… men… and what makes them lovable is that they are themselves. We want to be accepted for ourselves, then we need to give the same in return. And why even want to make a man anything – it is the quirks that are what we love (and other things). That said, I have not read the books, do not intend to read the books, and because of those two factors, I will not give an opinion on them. Given the e-mail I just received, it is a good thing I like me because there are a few of your kind that really do their best to change my mind.
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You’ve got some great insights here, Kyle. Many of the “bodice ripper” type romance novels and books like “Fifty Shades” are little more than porn for women. Where many men are visual creatures, it is said that many women receive gratification through books like these.
Having been the target of an aggressive “molding” campaign, I really resent when someone tries to actively change me. It sends an implicit and explicit message that I am somehow not good enough as I am. It also seems to be a double-standard, as the aforementioned tolerance that is expected from the fairer sex. Your post on Marilyn Monroe covered the disparity rather nicely
Hopefully this “50 Shades” thing will fade away, until the next new fad comes along!
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Funny you should mention the Marilyn article. That post has been picking up attention lately.
Thanks TC!
I have read all these books and while the writing sucks it is still fictional, but as someone who is part of the bdsm scene the scenes in the book aren’t degrading to Anastasia. If you dont understand this part of the sex world you should refrain from comment. On another note if you are with someone and love them you should not want to change them, because if you do then you werent in love with them in the first place and you were only in love with what you though you wanted them to be.
“If you dont understand this part of the sex world you should refrain from comment” —
So to comment on anything I must be a part of it first? Take that to its logical conclusion and I wouldn’t be able to say most anything at all. As far as I am concerned any sexual act meant to humiliate and/or dominate isn’t natural. Sex wasn’t designed for that.
I wasnt refering to you Kyle lol.
Let me explain further, to dominate someone doesn’t necessarily mean to humiliate them. I have a very submissive personality, and like my man being in charge and sometimes spanking or pain is involved but as a sub I can say its not to humiliate me its more of a control thing. Its hard to explain to someone who doesn’t know what its like to be a bottom/submissive.
And also isn’t the natural order for the man to be the one in charge in the relationship?? Or maybe I am just a throwback to a different time.
“And also isn’t the natural order for the man to be the one in charge in the relationship?? Or maybe I am just a throwback to a different time.” — that is a slippery slope and taken to is’s logical conclusion could push the female back to place of prominence similar to the middle ages. I think that ‘being in charge’ relates to those time when the man and woman are at an impasse and a decision must be made….I don’t think the spirit of that is necessarily in the bedroom — or dungeon…”-)
I haven’t read the books. I have no intention to, either. My husband provides me with enough entertainment, love and excitement (with no beating in sight). I don’t need to seek these elements from a badly-written book.
Your review is quite interesting. The hope thing sounds plausible, but I’m not interested enough to find out. Trying to change a guy is really not a good motive to enter into a relationship for.
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I admit to reading the first book to seeing what all the fuss was about. Terrible writing, and in my opinion not all that sexy. I couldn’t stand Anastasia and her insecurity and neediness. I also know that there is no way a controlling domineering man like Mr. Gray would succumb so easily to change on a account of her sweet virgin kitty. Never been kissed to multiple orgasms first time around? Wow, this really is the land of fantasy fiction. She may as well have set the novel in medieval times and had Mr. Gray looking like Fabio on the cover. Every time I see a women reading it and I ask how they like it, they rave. I normally retort with “frankly I was so annoyed with Anastasia I was a bit disappointed that I couldn’t get a hold of Christian’s paddle and smack her into reality”.
“sweet virgin kitty” — funny!
I’ve told the Queen this.
50 Shades of Grey makes women, in general, look bad. It’s no different that men and porn.
Thanks for contributing!
I stopped after the first book because the writing was terrible and the scenario was brutally unrealistic. Ick. I do understand the hype, though. Like you said, she wanted to change him. And I don’t think it ends there… there’s something about the pursuit that draws us in. Not his pursuit of her, but hers of him- unspoken, but highly present, and it’s something that women understand. The same dynamic was present in the Twilight series as well: Doesn’t everyone want to obtain the unobtainable? Beat the unbeatable? Be loved by the man who was previously incapable of such feelings? It’s a uniquely feminine (i think?) type of conquest and victory (emotional brutality, no doubt… have you ever read “The Manipulated Man”?). Although Christian held the money and props, there was no doubt that Ana held all the power.
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I have not read this either, though I have heard that it’s poorly written like that of a harlequin romance. And that the only reason it’s popular is because it pushes the limits in terms of being sexually explicit.
In response to men in charge being the natural order of things, my pinion is that that is archaic and sexist and degressive to say the least. but i’m not familiar with bondage if thats anythign to do with these books.
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Also, if people are looking for sexually explicit/shocking literature, I urge them to read the works of Irvine Welsh, which has been around for a long time, is incredibly well written, brutal and shocking. Not a new thing, explicit writing. Once again, I don’t know what the fifty shades of grey are about.
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