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The biggest lie parents tell
I couldn’t have told you the first thing about Helen Gurley Brown; in fact I didn’t even know the name. But since her death last week, Helen and I have gotten acquainted. There’s much to respect, a poor southern girl who grew up and made it big, married to the same man her entire adult life, and built a media empire almost single handedly.From what I’ve read she seems like my kind of person, quick witted with a sharp tongue, candid to the point of brazen, I believe Helen would let you know where you stood. An idealist, many critics claim it was her womb that birthed the modern feminist movement. But for all of her accomplishments, what she seems to be most noted for was her unapologetic approach to womanhood and particularly female sexuality.
The architect of numerous one-liners such as, “if you’re not a sex object, you’re in trouble” and “good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere” she advocates in her 1962 book Sex and the Single Girl that the Puritan sexual mores of that time were outdated and women should leverage their erotic talents and grab the very best life has to offer including jobs, promotions, and Mr. Right. And as its editor, Cosmopolitan Magazine began expressing her same views. What was once was written for the June Cleavers of Middle America providing decorating tips and recipes, under her direction, began teaching those same women the best ways please a man…and themselves.
Yet the more articles to appear describing her exploits, the more I wanted to know one crucial detail. Was this woman who touted promiscuity, sexual manipulation, and carnal indulgences – a mom?
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Many refer to the culture we live in as relativistic. Meaning in one regard that what is right and true for this person isn’t automatically so for that person, and instead everything hinges upon the individual, situation, or objective. For example, as a single father, I am adamantly opposed to living with the Queen before marriage. Ignoring my religious rationale momentarily, I don’t desire that way of life for either of my children, or hers, and I would never want the four of them to use what they had witnessed with their parents as their justification for doing so. How could the Queen or I tell them ‘no’ to living with a boyfriend or girlfriend, say in college, when they saw us do it first? However, many single parents for any number of reasons don’t share this same conviction. Yet I’m willing to bet that none of them who do cohabitate, if asked, would want their children to ever live with someone to whom they’re not married.
And this brings me back to Helen Gurley Brown. Could Mrs. Brown have been so vocal and passionate about her views on sex and the self-exploitation of a woman’s sexual wares if she was the mom to a little girl? Could she have been as shameless about the way women ought to view themselves if there were children at home? Could she still have wanted women to be ‘sex objects’ and have a teenage daughter at the same time? And if so, would she have desired the same for those children?
•♦•
I was asked in an interview sometime ago what it is like to be a single father and date. Generally in regard to my kids and particularly how my relationship with the Queen might impact my ten-year-old daughter, how she sees herself and the world around her.
Every mom and dad knows that kids are perceptive, they are always watching and learning, especially when it comes to their parents. And if those parents aren’t mindful about how they behave around their kids they could very well find the same harmful behaviors they model today repeated in their children tomorrow. Is it any wonder why kids who see their mom or dad drink excessively tend to abuse alcohol later in life?
And that’s when parents begin to spin a web of deceit. On the surface it seems almost intrinsic that, as adults, we have privileges our children have yet to earn and that fact is true. As an adult I can drive a car, drink a beer, and go into debt, and all at the same time if I wanted. However, it’s also true that this distinction between what I can do and what my kids can’t do should stop when the very thing I’m doing today is that thing I would never want my children to do tomorrow, or ever.
The big lie parents tell is this, that because we’re adults we can to do things our children can’t – because we are older, know more, and can handle it – but the problem with stopping there is we expect them to then differentiate between what they aren’t ready for now and what they ought never be ready for. Are there habits or addictions you have today that you would never want your children to take up, and in fact you’d be mortified if they ever discovered them, yet you justify those behaviors to yourself with the excuse ‘I’m an adult’?
You see, the big lie we tell isn’t one that’s told to our children, it’s one we tell to ourselves.
What I admire most from reading about Helen Gurley Brown was how she lived by her convictions no matter the personal cost. That’s a very rare trait in people these days. And I have to believe that if she had been a parent, which her and her husband chose never to become, she would have turned down Cosmopolitan and went to work for Good Housekeeping instead.
Even women with children should be able to own their sexuality, shouldn’t they?
It’s the true balance that all mothers seek out in life, IMHO; it’s not the “working” mom vs. stay at home debate, it’s how to retain one’s sense of self and one’s very important personal sexuality while also being a mother. The very health of one’s marriage depends on retaining that sense of self, that essential thing that is a part of the husband/wife relationship–the one that, ironically, is where the babies come from.
Being in charge of your own sexuality is not a dirty nor a negative thing; it’s a powerful, confident thing that I hope I can impart to my children in a positive manner.
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I’m not sure exactly what being in charge of one’s sexuality means. Does that imply using it as manipulation to receive? Clearly that was an aspect that HGB was a proponent of.
Teaching my children about sex being a powerful and confident thing, are you implying to your male and female child? I often these others talk about teaching their children, as you said, the power and confidence of sex, yet they have these conversations with their sons, only daughters.
Thanks for stopping in Mari.
I think the manipulation that seems to be overt in HGB’s words & suggestions is a reaction to the culture of the time–she tried to empower women before the sexual revolution and there weren’t a lot of options for women to exert their power when they weren’t seen as equal to their male counterpoints. Maybe not the tactic I would have embraced, but I’ve been lucky enough to come up in a time when equality is more possible.
I don’t think women should give up their right to sex after motherhood. I don’t think it’s a choice between Good Housekeeping & Cosmo. I think they can co-exist. Your statement that she would have chosen differently had she had children–why?
I think we need to each our sons and our daughters to own their whole selves; to respect themselves, their needs, their desires and their place in the world. My kids (one boy, one girl) are young and I’ve not yet had to go into the “sex” talk yet, but I do talk about self-confidence, respect for others, understanding their feelings–things that will inform that big talk once we get to that point.
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“Your statement that she would have chosen differently had she had children–why?”
Will you tell your daughter to use sex to get what she wants in life?
Is that what is meant by ‘owning our sexuality?’
Of course not–that’s an ignorant oversimplification of what I’ve said.
But I will teach her that she doesn’t have to give up her identity, either.
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While I’m the opposite to a drab, sexless housewife, I’m not a person who flaunt her sexuality either. I’ve turned down big roles to appear in films wearing just my underwear. I also turned down a juicy offer to do a topless ‘artful’ modelling gig. The latter was before I was married with kids because I knew I’d want them some day.
I don’t feel like I’ve given up anything. I have never regretted my decision. In fact, I know I would’ve regretted it, had I done it. We do many things for self-respect. We can still be sexual beings, enjoying a good sex life, without flaunting this in public. Sex is a private thing. If we’re fulfilled privately, the world does not need to know.
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“The latter was before I was married with kids because I knew I’d want them some day.”
Huge kudos for you, that decision puts you in the top percentile of most others on the planet, by your ability to think outside your own self.
I am a strong believer that our sexuality reflects upon our children, weather negatively or positively. As a parent of two boys, I strongly believe that I should be the one teaching them on the subject rather than leaving it up to the school system to do it. My parents NEVER talked to us about sex. My mom was pregnant with my older brother when she graduated high school & I KNEW that I NEVER wanted that to happen to me. As a single mother, I vow to keep my self pure until I marry again … not just because its biblical, but to be that positive example to my boys.
On the negative side… My ex-husband has told my 9 & 13yr old that he & his girlfriend (whom were once married but divorced & now live together again) that hey walk around the house naked when they (the boys) aren’t there. Really? They (my boys) were grossed out by the fact of KNOWING that their father is expressing his sexuality when it should be kept between the two parties! Am I wrong? Yes, my boys need to know about sex, but to go this far? My boys need a man that will teach them the true meaning of sex…not the other extreme!
Your ex sounds like a splendid individual. Divorced and now live together again. Hope that works out from him.
Jennifer, I believe a father has more influence on their child’s understanding of sex than their mother. I may be wrong in this but it just seems to me men ultimately carry more influence.
lol…you have no idea! All I ever wanted was for him to spend time w/his boys & be a good example for them…but only GOD knows what will happen… That’s one of his longest relationships by far & honestly I think they are perfect for each other.
I’ve been taught that a mother has the “influence” over her children & the father has the “authority” over them. My pastor has preached on the subject a few times.
“I’ve been taught that a mother has the “influence” over her children & the father has the “authority” over them. My pastor has preached on the subject a few times.” –
Agreed, and I would argue however that those roles will reverse as the children get older.
I have a legitment question. You express that you don’t want your children seeing you live with the Queen because it’s…. Immoral? (I hope I am interpreting this correctly). But you dont concider it to be immoral to spend the night with the significiant other on nights or vacations when you have a “kid- free” weekends? Is your delimah “cohabitation before marriage” or “sex before marriage”? (From a Puritans point of view cohabitation=sex)
Do kids not question our actions and motives as parents when we aren’t in their presence?
As your children become older, do you think they will judge themselves by the same moral aspects as you have set for yourself (because we dont live by the same moral standards that our parents set for us).
Do you feel that people who cohabitate don’t understand the true meaning behind commitment?
I honestly would like to get a better understanding of your perception.
I’ll take your questions one by one….I don’t want my children to see me living with the Queen, not because it’s necessarily immoral, but because the day when they come to me, should that happen, and ask if they can live with their boyfriend or girlfriend (say in college, etc, or at least while they’re still my responsibility) and I say ‘no’, I don’t want my history to make me out to be a hypocrite.
Immorality is too cut and dry, and quite harsh. Instead, it’s modeling behavior that I would rather not see them exhibit later in life because I know where that path ultimately leads to. Isn’t it part of my responsibility as a parent to teach my children to avoid the potholes I’ve fallen into in the past because I know the damage they cause? How effective will I be to tell my kids they shouldn’t smoke as I light up a cigarette?
You may be missing the bigger picture in this article. The issue is only partially about our children, the bigger and deeper concern is with ourselves. That’s where the lie is. If having children doesn’t make us want to change our behavior, character, and life view then what will? Why do we think that is?
As you got older what was it you used to set your moral barometer? Was it your friends or the behavior and character of your mother and father? Think about that question for a moment before you answer, because if you’ve ever been concerned about doing something for fear of having them upset or dissapointed at you, then you’ve already got your answer.
Clearly our children will initially use the behavior they see modeled in their parents, it’s how they formulate their world view, until such time as they strike out completely on their own and develop their own opinions. But even then they will always keep what they learned from their parents with them to some degree.
I think people that live together, frankly, do it for all the wrong reasons. They want their cake and eat it too. They want all the benefits that marriage has to offer without being fully committed emotionally and tangibly. Living together always offers the easiest exit strategy, ask any couple who has lived together for a long time why the haven’t gotten married and see how their answer corresponds with what I say.
As far my not living together but spending time together when we are ‘kid free’. That’s a tension. The Queen and I have thoughtfully put our future relationship on hold for the benefit of our children. We are sacrificing in many ways where most would not, because we believe that, in the long run, it will be the best for all involved. It’s a temporary inconvenience to a permanent solution.
And I the first to realize that is a relativistic view, unfortunately I’m as guilty of buying into this cultural phenomenon as anyone.
As far as kids questioning our actions and behaviors when they aren’t in our presence. Your children do have preconceived notions about how you act when they aren’t around, and I’ll bet you good money their expectation that you act the same as when they are, at least for a while. How many children’s innocence has been stolen from them because they realized something about their parents that was diametrically opposed to the views they had held for so long. Think for a moment about a child finding out his dad has been cheating on his mother?!?! If he was questioning his fathers actions he wouldn’t be surprised, and maybe he isn’t, but more than likely it shakes him to his core because what he thought was one way, is something vastly different.
I’m been considering writing an article entitled ‘When foundations crumble’. There will come a day when every parent will do something destroy the innocence of their children, when those kids will finally realize that mom and dad aren’t the demigods they thought they were. Sometimes it happens sooner than later, but I believe it always happens.
“If they can live with their boyfriend or girlfriend (say in college, etc, or at least while they’re still my responsibility) and I say ‘no’, I don’t want my history to make me out to be a hypocrite”. INSTEAD, you say, “No honey, you can’t live with them… but you can shack up on the weekends and randon days during the week because It’s ok as long as your mail doesn’t go to the same mailbox, and incase Allene were to ask.” To me, all that is teaching is keep your porch clean for the neighbors and be sure to shut the front door. Honestly, I just wondered what the mindset is of someone who make such monumental distinctions on an issue where I see no difference… And still, I got nothing. Moving on…
As parents, we take it upon ourselves to help guide them down the least evasive path… But shit happwns!! Just as our parents didn’t give you a crash course in Divorce 101, there will be many lessons that we will not be able to steer our children from or even guide them through. They must live their own life’s lessons… my role as a parent is to point them in a direction I DEEM appropriate but find a way to support and encourage them they dont follow my lead. Just as I questioned my parents “moral barometer”, my children must also question the child-rearing fundamentals in which they were raised.
Having children doesnt necessarily make me want to change all my behavior, character, and life views, but it does make me more aware. As you and I talk in person and as I read your blogs your blogs, i notice you often making comments similar to this one, “If people had children ( a daughter) would their views change?” are the guidelines in which you have freely judged women since hs/college now the same guidelines you question from others? If so, is it because this judgement may effect little girls’ self images? Perhaps even …the princess? In this blog, you question this woman’s “sex object” statement. SERIOUSLY!? Aren’t mothers who get boob jobs, workout religiously, have eye lifts, get lip injections, have lypo and wear sexy clothing simply putting the face on “sex object”? (if im not mistaken, they are rhe ones that tou lanel as HOTT!). Or do we put sparkly earrings and designer jeans on that and call it “attractive mothers with a healthy self esteem?”. (btw, I’d be willing to have all the procedures listed and it wouldn’t be because I was hoping to live a balanced life or lower some medical-diagnostic number).
As for the upcoming topic of conversation…. I wonder if I’lI have something to say?
“I just wondered what the mindset is of someone who make such monumental distinctions on an issue where I see no difference” — but you see, that is the real distinction. If I was doing it to impress my neighbors and as you put it “keep my porch clean’ I’d have simply married, or better yet, moved in because that’s what everybody else does. And isn’t that how we gauge our morality now, based upon what everybody else does, as if popularity and community acceptance is all that we need to clear our minds of what we intrinsically know isn’t right? I’m not quite sure what you are expecting. It’s a tension that I’ve chosen to live with. Based upon other choices that I’ve deemed to be more important. You won’t get anything because I’m as guilty of this lie as the next parent. And that is your second mistake, you assume this post is pointed at everyone else when the finger starts with the person writing it.
“Having children doesnt necessarily make me want to change all my behavior.” — Are you sure about that? Are you living and behaving in the same ways you were before children? If not, why?
“are the guidelines in which you have freely judged women since hs/college now the same guidelines you question from others? If so, is it because this judgement may effect little girls’ self images? Perhaps even …the princess? In this blog, you question this woman’s “sex object” statement. SERIOUSLY” — Again, you seem to take this position where the author is somehow perfected the art of parenting and this is written to everyone else. Let me say this, and this is total fact, if your life views don’t change with children, you don’t deserve to have them. Period. I’ve known and dated enough women who obviously didn’t get — not the proper, but any, modeling from their parents – especially their fathers- and today they are emotionally retarded. Do you think it’s perfectly acceptable for a daughter to begin questioning her weight, appearance, and confidence in elementary school? Do you think that is a normal course for any girl to take? When the first thing she thinks about when she wakes up is how she looks and if boys will like her today or not? Is that the paths we want our daughters to follow? And if not, where do we think that comes from and how do we stop it? Or do we simply chalk it up, again, to ‘that’s how things are and shit happens?” and go about our day like there is nothing wrong.
Bull shit! If my daughter decides to go down that path and ends up equating her self worth to her looks and her bust size it will not be because she didn’t get the proper attention and affection from her father..and that means I have to change from the way I used to be. You give the impression that you’ve held your same views since your younger days. Whatever. And what drove those changes in your behavior other than your commitment to your husband and your children?
Always a joy to converse with you….:)