Sleeping single in a double bed. A sign your relationship is in serious trouble.

bampw bed bedroom black amp white black and white Favim.com 404329 Sleeping single in a double bed. A sign your relationship is in serious trouble.

An interesting thing happened during my separation and eventual divorce over six years ago. After the ex informed me she wanted to split, during an argument over a credit card bill of all things, little could I have imagined how quickly things would change. Later in the evening after tempers cooled and we were getting ready for bed I was informed that it would be best if from now on I slept in the extra bedroom – that she believed it was no longer appropriate to sleep together like we had the night before. And who could blame her? If someone doesn’t want to be married to you chances are pretty good they don’t want to sleep with you either. She had flipped the switch and suddenly sleeping with me meant sleeping with the enemy.

•♦•

Though married for six years I was extremely naive about the inner workings of other peoples’ relationships.  So it was a surprise to learn that getting kicked to the in-law suite wasn’t something just soon-to-be divorced guys suffered. It would seem that married couples, even those not intent on strangling each other in a courtroom, frequently opted for the room mate plan. But looking back it seemed our living arrangement leading up to the divorce was clearly not the norm, because until the day she asked for the separation I can’t remember ever sleeping in separate bedrooms other than when one of us was sick.

My naivety came full circle after I entered the post divorce dating world. I met a woman who hadn’t sleep in the same bed with her husband for over a year before they divorced. The whole time they lived almost separate lives, she said, only coming together as a couple during formal family events or neighborhood functions. While this may admittedly be an extreme case it has become almost laughable  regarding the number of people I meet who chose to sleep in separate bedrooms months before there was ever the first hint or a discussion about divorce. What’s even funnier is the excuse for this behavior change seems universal among everyone I’ve met – ‘he snored too loudly’.  Notwithstanding years of sleeping together before, apparently his deviated septum began to cause such a deafening noise that sending him down the hall was the only  course of action to get a good night’s sleep.

•♦•

Is there another room in the home which provides for a more natural setting for a couple’s intimacy than their own bedroom and particularly their bed? Just walking into another person’s boudoir makes me uneasy, it’s their sanctuary and their holy of holies, and not for random strangers. The bedroom is where lives are made and secrets told. There are few other places where a couple can be so open with each other or where they can more freely enjoy each other’s affection and sensuality. It’s a place where couples can reconnect and where they can fall in love again and again. If the bedroom is love’s temple then the bed is it’s shrine.

It was also unsurprising that these same couples who slept in separate rooms had virtually no sex life to speak of . Without the ability for closeness with his wife, a husband will find other places for his passion such as his job while her desire gets stifled or redirected towards the children. If allowed to continue they soon can become so disconnected emotionally and spiritually they may as well be strangers and any impression they might give of being the happy couple is only by sheer luck or to intentionally throw others off the trail.

I’ve often wondered what these men thought as they moved into their guest bedroom with suitcase in hand, what was going through their mind? Did they offer to fix the problem? Did they ever attempt to even change her mind? Or were they too busy returning emails or catching up on the latest scores to even bother thinking about it, because ignoring seems much simpler than dealing with the real issues in the relationship? Or maybe he was just satisfied that doing so would shut her up for a while.

I’m convinced of few stronger signals that a relationship is in serious jeopardy than when couples stop sleeping in the same bed together.  Once that line is crossed what’s sure to follow is a loss of intimacy, affection, and finally love for one another. History is pretty consistent, a couple that doesn’t sleep together usually doesn’t stay together.

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88 responses to Sleeping single in a double bed. A sign your relationship is in serious trouble.

  1. Anonymous

    Really? No one?  Not one person wants to sleep alone forever? Gosh, I’ve been feeling like divorced men are so pained that they’ll sleep alone, kinda sorta, forever, guarding themselves against the pain of loss  from ever happening again.

  2. Anonymous

    I’m the one who always went to the spare room…

    But yes, I agree. Either sleeping in separate beds or allowing the children to sleep with you WAY past newborn infant stage… 2 signs of a relationship that teetering dangerously close to the “d” word.

  3. Snoring is definitely the main reason for not sleeping in the same bed, but even then I’ve always been of the opinion that you just suck it up and stick it out, or you pay for nasal surgery.  Can’t imagine having a relationship where I live with a woman and then sleeping in separate bedrooms.  If you can’t have that, might as well just move out and get your own apartment.  Because that would be the next logical step, right?  If I’ve got my own bed then I want my own living room and bathroom, too.

    Also.  I read that sex is usually the last thing to go.  Apparently it’s quite common for couples to get in one last quickie just after signing the divorce papers.  Another thing I can’t imagine, but apparently it’s true.

  4. Martini Mom

    I have to disagree somewhat. I personally know four couples with separate bedrooms who are quite happy in their relationships (and having plenty of sex to boot). I agree that it’s unusual, and it certainly wouldn’t work for everybody. It’s hard for me to imagine being in a relationship where I would be okay with separate bedrooms, and I agree that “he snores really loud” is often an easy excuse to cover up other issues. BUT…

    I have very good friends who have separate bedrooms – and have had separate bedrooms for 5+ years now. It started, predictably, with his snoring. They ignored suggestions to sleep in separate rooms for years because it just didn’t seem right to them, but she was getting no sleep and finally relented. Their marriage actually improved after that because she was getting enough sleep which led to less arguments which led to more sex. They also both reported that the sex got better because it forcibly threw them out of their routine. Since they weren’t going to be in bed together, it forced them to work harder at seduction than simply rolling over in bed with a suggestive snuggle. And because the bedroom was no longer THE place for sleeping/sex, they got more playful with location as well.

    The most extreme case I can think of is that of some other friends of mine.  They’d been married for five years when they ended up separating. He moved out, but they continued to interact as they worked through their divorce… and they discovered that they still really loved spending time together. They decided to put the divorce on hold, “date,” and get into marriage counseling again and see how it went. After six months of everything being fantastic, they moved back in together… and everything fell apart again. He moved out again, they started “dating” again, and ten years later they’re still blissfully married… living in separate houses!

    Unusual, but I suppose it works for some people. However, I completely agree with your assessment that, should separate bedrooms become part of the picture, some very thorough reflection is in order.

  5. Bradford Walker

    It’s very easy to make relationships, but it is not so easy to keep them healthy. Most of the married couples do not understand the feeling of each other, and this may lead to divorce. I think trust is very necessary after marriage. Trust can make your relationships stronger.
    Mature Dating

  6. Anonymous

    I am thinking about your married friend who does not live with his wife.  Marriages can fail when two people feel very differently about something that is important to them.  I suppose there are exceptions to every rule, but, he wants to share a bed with his woman.  She does not feel the same.  He is sacrificing something important for her… what is she sacrificing for him?  

  7. Anonymous

    Many people ignore the 800 lb gorilla in the room until it starts beating you up.  Its just how we’re wired.  I was like that in my marriage.  

    Its easy to talk and be open when things are good.  Its hard to tell someone something they don’t want to hear – that the passion is gone.  But the only way to fix a marriage is to be open and honest about it.

  8. Random Girl

    Yep, you nailed it. We slept not only in different rooms but with two floors in between us for the last 6 months prior to separation. It was the final insult, the last act of “I don’t give a shit about us anymore” . For me, I got sick of begging him to come to bed, he knew how important it was to me for us to at least sleep in the same bed, even when things weren’t going well, at least we had that closeness. When he denied me that, I took it as what it was, him shutting me out and shutting down. I decided he could stay hiding in the basement as long as he wanted, at least I was getting a good nights rest. 

  9. Anonymous

    Agreed.  Before the divorce I would sleep on the couch if we had a fight.  After we filed I filed I decided she would have to leave. 

  10. Martini Mom

    If it’s any consolation, I’ve always been the one to sleep in the spare room. 

  11. Martini Mom

    With these friends, they’re both happy living separately. He wasn’t happy living with her and she wasn’t happy living with him. In this case, it was mutual. But your point is valid: if something is very important to one person in a relationship, and not important to the other, big problems can ensue if the couple isn’t careful. I’ve run into that issue a time or two myself…

  12. Yours is a bit off the norm. From my experience it’s the wife who decides the sleeping arrangement. What was his reasoning?

  13. Is ere children in the living separate family? If so how do they reconcile that? Without having more information this seems a tad bit selfish but if it works and the loyalty and trust are there who am I to say?

  14. I’ve known many people who do that. I wrote a post titled avoiding the booty call hangover. Check it out it’s quite funny.

    It’s disturbing in my opinion.

  15. Random Girl

    Hmm, not sure on his reasoning but I would put an educated guess that it stemmed for the fact that he often drank the entire evening and would pass out on the couch in the basement which was also an effective avoidance tool and excuse to not have to interact with me. It worked. I left. He won. 

  16. Lori

     Sometimes I really wish I was one of these women who banished their spouses.  When I suffered insomnia, I left to sleep on the couch so my tossing and turning wouldn’t awaken him (we always started out in the same bed).  I swear I never played games in that arena… and yet, here I was, cheated on! pbbblt.  I agree, not sleeping in the same bed would be a HUGE red flag.

  17. I tried to sleep separately but my ex wouldn’t allow it. (He refused counseling as well.) If I got up and went into the spare room, or even in w/ one of the kids when they were sick, he would always come to find me, and demand that I come to bed. He would wake the whole house if I didn’t come back to bed. Now of course I see how controlling that was.
    I found out he was a transvestite on a Sunday. He had been acting odd, and I knew things could not be fixed between us, but I wasn’t planning on leaving anytime soon. After I found out, I was so afraid of him that I slept in my clothes for 3 nights, until I left (Wednesday). If he knew I had learned his secret, I was sure he would kill me. Before I knew, I slept turned away from him, because I couldn’t stand him. Now, I was afraid to turn my back on him. I remember laying there in bed, feeling an absolute fear run right through me, my heart beating so loud I was sure he could hear it. And I was right to be afraid. Not only do I now have a restraining order, if I am present at custody exchanges, they take place (per court order) at a police station with court monitor present. Writing this, I think I just figured out why I’m afraid of dating again. That vulnerable feeling that I could be “crushed” is still with me, even though I left 2 years ago.

  18. Fantastic website. A lot of helpful info here. I am sending it to several friends ans additionally sharing in delicious. And obviously, thank you to your effort!

  19. James

    I have to say that I am currently in the middle of this dilema. I noticed about 2 years ago that my wife was not sleeping in our bed more and more. I asked and she just stated that is was because of my daughter and nightmares or she just felt like she wanted to be close to her. Lately or for about over a year now my wife and I do not sleep in the same bed ever. When I ask I am told that I am too needy and that she feels the kids will hopefully grow out of it and me asking or arguing about it make me a self centered A-hole. I am not sure what many of you consider a sex life but an occational once a month pitty sex romp is not what I consider a sex life. After we do the deed she immediately heads to my daughters room to go to sleep. I cannot say anything about it without her throwing the kids and how they feel in my face. I have told her many times that I feel alone but she just asks why I can’t just be happy with what I have and not what I don’t have. It really hurts me to think that she is cheating but it is starting to look more like she is or she has at least checked out of this relationship. Any ideas?

  20. Papa – Author

    James,

    I feel for you. I don’t know how old your kids are but from your comment it seems to me that instead of using ‘snoring’ she’s using them as her reason. There is obviously something going on in your marriage. You mentioned cheating, what makes you think she might be? Does she have time to do that? Have you seen evidence of that through her behaviors? Late night calls? Texting? Getting defensive about who she’s talking to?

    Here’s something else to consider, think back over your marriage, is there something, anything, lots of things, that have happened that would have driven her away? Something that you repeatedly did, that she tried to talk with you about? Maybe there is and maybe there isn’t. No husband or wife is perfect, usually the best way find common ground is to admit you’re partially to blame and in any marriage, both spouses are.

    Here’s what I’ve found that at leasts starts a conversation, because that’s what you desperately need to get going, you need to get her to open up and talk to you. But if you do that with the hopes of just getting laid then you’ll get nowhere. If I were you I’d do what I could to get her away for a weekend, night, afternoon, something. Out of the house, away from the kids, so that you both have no interruptions and can talk without any distractions of even being in your home.

    Have dinner, lunch, walk in the park, something on neutral turf then gently open the conversation by admitting that you’ve probably not been the husband she has needed and you’ve realized that something has driven her away and you want to fix it. And this is where it gets painful and might separate the men from the boys. Take sex off the table, completely. Work on the marriage first, the physical will come after the relationship is fixed.

    I’d really appreciate you letting me know how things work out. You can always email me at the address on the “About Papa” page.

    Good luck man!

  21. Lisa

    My husband of 22 years ( we married at 20 years old ) has done a lot of wrong doings the past 2 years. He had one long term 2 year affair…at the same time saw 3 other women I know of. After he got cought, I kicked him out. He came back with so many apologies about what he did wrong and why. He started dateing me again, and woo-ing me like he did w it did with someone new…when he was 18. The sex began to feel like new again. I told him I would not believe that he was committed to me, our marriage or family again, and he could not move back home again until he was sure what he wanted.
    He planned a family vacation without my knowledge and proposed with a whole new wedding ring set( something very very beautiful and nothing like the wedding band from our wedding) I accepted and he moved back home. For the first few months everything was great!!! But around Christmas he started having a few medical issues. and his libedo was gone. I was very very hurt and worried and fears began to emerge in my mind of his past…it seems now that is what I am focused on. I try, and try and try to initate sex…or ANY form of physical contact. And I get rejected. It always ends in a fight, and me crying. I dont know if he is in a depression about his health, and that causes no urge…but it seems to be the excuse I get time and time again….and I am very very very worried and hurt. He knows how I feel and it doesnt matter…because in his words” look at everything else I do for you…and you are being selfish by wanting this from me” So at midnight last night I told him that he had no problems F…ing all those other women, just his wife and that I am moving in to the spare bedroom, and maybe…someone else would want to F..k his wife since he no longer wants to.
    So today, I am cleaning out that room to do just that.
    I love my husband so much, and I have stood by him though sickness and health, through richer and poorer, and above all else I stayed faithful only to him…even though he didnt do the same thing. I keep my appearance up,I am 41 years old and look decent for my age, I am out going, and try anything new once. But I CAN NOT attract my husband any longer. I dont want him to “HAVE” to have sex with me…I want him to want to have sex with me in our bed, and bedroom.But…for now…I am going to be sleeping alone in our spare room. I don’t have much confidence that there will be a fix in our relationship once I do. But how long do you stay in a bed together with just a peck goodnight, and no change in site?????

  22. JamesC

    That last line is nonsense. Lots of sexless couples stay together until the end. People for whom sex is difficult if not impossible due to psychological or physical reasons. My own marriage has been sexless for almost 20 years and we are still together and have no plans to end the marriage. Some people are just sexually incompatible and don’t realize until after the wedding.

  23. Kyle Bradford – Author

    “My own marriage has been sexless for almost 20 years and we are still together and have no plans to end the marriage.”

    JamesC, if you would be willing, I would love to offer you the opportunity to write on how you do that? I mean this sincerely. Completely anonymous of course. I can tell you with certainty that if you can maintain a happy and fulfilling marriage for 20 years without sex then yours is a story that needs to be shared with other people who struggle with it. If you refuse however I will understand.

    On the side note, obviously physical conditions are somewhat different. I had an uncle whose wife was diagnosed with MS a decade into their marriage. For the next 40 years she was wheel chair ridden as her condition declined slowly over those 4 decades. His was a marriage of will and commitment and one’s story that I will one day share with the world because it needs to be told.

    Should you decide to I can be emailed at kyle@chopperpapa.com (I will even help you write it if you choose to accept)

  24. igolti

    Doctor Messiah made me happy again, I was at my wit’s end with trying to get my boyfriend to commit to our relationship fully. I

    had tried everything I knew, but what I DIDN’T know was that all I had to do was come to him,if not for this and with his spell casting

    blessings and special magic powers, I wouldn’t have to do all the work at all. I got my life and my love back and now all in my life is

    balanced and happy again. He did a great service to people, and I do think many people should know about him EMAIL contact the

    freemercytemple@yahoo.com he is talented and will help with his service if you are in any need of help just like he did to save me.

    I am so glad for weaving his magic love spells for me and ruin. It’s back to me just the way it was when we first met, and we’re

    coming up on our fourth anniversary now!

  25. it’s so sad
    what if you don’t want it to be over
    but he just does not want to be with you
    does not sleep with you
    but you still love him?
    this is hard
    and so so painful
    every excuse in the book not to be with you
    work
    work
    internet friends
    work
    internet friends
    work
    work
    internet friends

    painful

  26. Kyle Bradford – Author

    vitadavivere, do you know why he doesn’t want to be with you? Have you seriously looked at the evidence before you and able to make some judgements?

    The disconnect is always the symptom, you need to find the cause.

  27. dicipres

    I just going through this blog and

    “I was informed it would be best if I slept in the extra bedroom ”

    means you have no balls, so surely your ex did not find you attractive. Are you a small child, being told to go to your room. If she doesn’t want to sleep with you she should GTFO..

    Oy Vey, you shouldn’t give advice to any man.

  28. Annie

    I love the article! I hope I can get some advice. I have been married for 18 yrs. We have a strong, mostly happy marriage. We always slept in same room no matter how big the arguement. However he had heart surgery last year and he claims its still uncomfortable to sleep in the bed, so he sleeps in recliner. Sex is also practically non existent and he lashes out over every little thing. My concern is that we are slowly heading towards the big “D”. It is the last thing I want I love this man with all of my being. I even started sleeping on couch just so we could sleep near each other. I have tried everything for sex, flashing him, making sexy phone calls to him, doing chores around the house that he usually does before he gets home from work, I exercise daily to look good for him, ive even offered bringing in another woman ill do anything to make him happy, but so far nothing. We did marriage counseling for about a year, it helps for a little while but then he just went right back to the same way he was before. He refuses to go back to counseling. I know he’s not cheating or gay. I just want to know how to get through to him so we can communicate again without fighting and avoid the “D” word. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

  29. Kyle Bradford – Author

    Wow Annie. Has he given you any reason for his behavior? What has been his excuse for his change? What did you learn from counseling? Based on this comment it seems you are surely making the effort. Does he have any male friends that he might have confided in that can give you insight?

  30. Annie

    Therapy showed us how we were hurting each other in fights, how to communicate, how to open up etc, but hes shutting down and barely speaks about his feelings. I did get him to open up a little and asked if I hurt his feelings somehow and he responded no and I asked if I still turned him on he said of course he says hes just not horney”

  31. Annie

    Im sorry accidentally sent post before I was finished. He said hes just not into lately and lately means the past year, we did have his regular doctor check him out and hes fine there should be no reason for his lack of interest. Hes been real distant I can’t understand it. Somethings has to be bothering him. I don’t know how else to turn him on ive tried it all.

  32. Annie

    I haven’t mentioned this to his friends but when they talk to me I get the impression he speaks highly of me and that everything is great. But its far from great.

  33. Annie

    Ok so tonight I got screamed at and spoken too as if I were a child because I cannot read his mind. I am now expected to know what hes thinking and be one step ahead if not I get screamed at. I asked if something is upsetting him at work and taking it out on me he screamed no and then got in his car and left. WTF!?! Anyone have any idea why men do this?

  34. Kyle Bradford – Author

    Annie, obviously there is something going on with him. Do you have any reason to believe there is someone else? Have you noticed a change in his habits? Traveling more for business? Very protective of his cell phone, computer, etc?

    From your comments it seems is he almost running away from something (like getting in his car and leaving), or at the very least avoiding something.

    If I try to put myself in his shoes based upon this limited information, it feels like he is confused, like he has some internal struggle that he is grappling with, which in my untrained opinion, also explains why he is distant. Men when they are grappling, confused, or struggling with an internal conflict will often distance themselves as they try to figure it out. Why he hasn’t been able to come to a resolution in a year is obviously concerning.

  35. Annie

    I know for a fact he isnt cheating, the inner conflict makes sense, maybe hes falken out of love or wants to do something different in his life that may not invovle me. I will have to do my best to try and get him to open up to me so we can work through this whether it working out a problem or moving on thanks for the advice greatly appreciated.

  36. Tia

    I don’t sleep in the bed anymore either because I’m in the process of totally detaching from my husband in order to stay sane and fake it til I make it. I have 5 children, I can’t just end it. My husband has been so inconsiderate of my feelings over the years, all of these things have added up and it has hurt me so bad, but I just can’t leave. The last argument we had was the worst, it was about me wanting to go to school and start a career. He is totally against this, he has a business and he told me I already had a job which is to help him with his business. He callled me stupid, dumb*ss. I couldn’t believe that al l of this was about me wanting to pursue something for myself but it was and he takes me wanting to do something for myself very personal. I have been a sahm for 8 years and I just want to do something else now. I don’t want to be dependent on him like I used to. I feel he uses it against me, but he is totally against this. I have supported what he has wanted to do from the beginning and I just feel he should support something I want to do. Sleeping separate from him and in general isolating myself is helping me build a wall. That night was the last time I was going to cry and beg him to just try to support me and be there for me just to have him turn his back on me and say ” I don’t care how you feel”. It was the last time and in general I’m very emotional, but I tell you if I keep this up. I’m going to be as hard as nails, I’m hoping to get rid of all forms of emotion cause that’s the only way, I can stay.

  37. Annie

    Tia I feel your pain! I finally got my husband to “open up” (which I dont believe he fully did). He claims work is why he lashes out, I have seen a small change since he was transferred, but as for physical intimacy hefeels once in a blue moon is normal and I should just deal with it. I can’t just walk out the door either and find my self completely detaching as well, but I have one year with him and then I can move on, I hope it doesn’t have to come to that, but can’t see anything changing.

  38. Eddie

    Very insightful information. I just celebrated 15 yrs of marriage(21 yrs total) in June and me and the wife have had many ups and downs in the past 8 yrs. I was told about 8 yrs ago that my work schedule was creating the distance between us so I eventually changed jobs to have a similar work day and spend more time with my family. Things began to get better with the help of counseling and me opening up as I dont like to argue so I bury everything until it begins to make me sick. I have never come even close to being unfaithful and I am a homebody so if I am not at work I am home. My wife decided to go back to school 4 yrs ago at the same time our oldest daughter was headed to college which put a large amount of stress on me. The wife finished school and jumped back into the workforce which brought financial relief for a little and eventually I found myself paying all the bills again and the wife spending more time out with friends or coworkers. Not calling to at the least stop me from looking at the clock and worrying until she finally comes through the door. I have never told her she cant go where she wants when she wants but I expect a phone call, a text, some sort of consideration. I told her I feel she let me know when she is not going to be home when she normally get home so I dont worry and she told me I am not her father. From that point I have not asked any questions and in many ways gone into a shell. She began sleeping in my 12 yr olds room about 2 weeks ago and we have had about a paragraph worth of conversation with each other. Looking all the post here my marriage is in serious trouble.

  39. IlanA

    We have been together for 5 years and we have two kids we are very youg I think to have this problem 22 &23 he decided to sleep on the floor so that the kids could sleep on the same bed as me he doesn’t like them in their own room because the 2 year old crawl in to bed with us in the middle of the night anyway he says so I put their cribs in our room and he still says that I shouldn’t cuz they’ll probably feel left out and wen the kids go away he still sleeps on the floor becuz all of the sudden the floor is more comfy then the bed so you could imagine what our sexlife is like the once every three week thing ……. Question , should I be worried :$ we ve been trough alot of problems because of him never wanting to be aroun he works 5 days a week. And his 2 days off he spends it with his friends which I can kind of understand for him being so young honestly I’m very confused

  40. Kyle Bradford – Author

    llanA,

    I think your intuition is telling you something. If he isn’t interested in spending any time with you on his free days, opting instead for his friends, I believe that is a signal. The old adage rings true, actions do speak louder than words. You clearly have something that needs to be discussed with him. Chances are he knows it as well but is unwilling unless you initiate the conversation. It might be a good idea for you to get into a couples or married group and discuss this in a group setting with other men. I would guess that many of his friends aren’t married nor have the commitments he has. He probably needs to be with men at his stage of life.

    Have him read some of the stuff I have written under manhood. Maybe it will give him some insight.

  41. Kyle Bradford – Author

    Eddie, I think you intuition is telling you something. I think you have some communication that desperately needs to take place with your wife. Do you feel her new career, income, stability, now makes her emboldened because she doesn’t need the stability that you bring to the table?

    Additionally, there seems to now be a respect issue with her, not calling you, coming and going freely.

    Let me encourage you to read this post… http://chopperpapa.com/2011/04/respect/

  42. Kyle Bradford – Author

    “but I have one year with him and then I can move on’ — Are you referring to your children?

  43. Annie

    I cant afford to move on he has set things up so I am trapped in this relationship. I can afford after one more year of secret savings and if things dont change I can move forward with my life. I wish it didn’t have to come to this but I can’t continue living like this anymore.

  44. Annie

    Thank you kyle, well you were right there is a major inner conflict with my husband. The truth has finally come out, my husband is addicted to drugs. He has been sneaking out after I go to sleep and has destroyed our bank accounts. We are going to loose our home thats the only reason he came clean with me. So being the good wife I am taking my secret savings and getting him help and hopefully save our home. I am hoping with treatment and support my marriage will be saved as well as my husband. Thanks for your advice and support its been very helpful.

  45. ilana

    thank you so much your words are full of truth lol you are right his friends have no commitment to anything and i will disscuss this with him because i wouldnt want to keep this relationship if its going to be this sucky specially for my kids i dont want it to get t o another level and hurt my kids because mommy and daddy cant get along good ……

  46. Kyle Bradford – Author

    Annie, wow! I am so sorry to hear that is happening to you. I wish you the very best in the weeks and months ahead.

  47. evilyn

    I have been in a relationship for 18 years. The sex started to go away years ago. We have slept in separate rooms for years. I mourn the loss of intimacy but my partner seems more than happy with the relationship. Sometimes I really wish my love for this person did not outweigh the bad so I could just move out and move on.

  48. Shane

    My wife & I have 2 children & she has has an 11 year old daughter from prior to our marriage. She comes from a family of 10 & her Mom seems to have been a hovering mother who has been extremely attentive to the kids & not so much to her husband. Her parents are still together & live together, but they do not really speak to each other, which is of no fault of her Dad. If her Dad speaks to her Mom, she either acts like she doesn’t hear him or snaps at him. I feel this information is important because our adult relationships are often molded by our parents’ example of a relationship, which brings me to my story. When my wife & I started dating, her daughter was still mostly sleeping with her Mom, so I slowly worked my way in & we were able to get her to start sleeping in her own bed. Now that we have a 7 month old & a 4 year old, Mom sleeps upstairs with the 7 month old & the 4 year old sleeps with me because he had grown accustomed to sleeping with Mom. I want to sleep in the same bed as my wife, but she doesn’t see it as a big deal & complains about my snoring. Although I grew up in a somewhat disfunctional home, my parents still slept in the same bed. My wife doesn’t really touch me unless I touch her first & never initiates any sexual contact. Sometimes she makes me feel like my sexual drive is a burden to her or makes me feel like an idiot asking if we could have some alone time. When I succeed, we do our thing then she leaves to go upstairs to bed. Based upon her parents relationship, I can see our relationship headed exactly in that direction & once the kids are grown & gone, there will be no relationship left. I have suggested marriage counseling, but she refuses. When I bring this up as an issue, then she immediately jumps on me because she does my laundry & cleans around the house, as if that should replace my need for intimacy. She really has no sex drive, but will give in on occasion or after some drinks. Any suggestions on how to deal with this situation? I told her this morning that I was moving the babies bed downstairs so that she doesn’t need to sleep upstairs. In her mind, sex is a dirty word & that’s all that I want from her. All I really want is to feel loved & appreciated. Just being able to have contact would be enough for now.

  49. Kyle Bradford – Author

    ” I want to sleep in the same bed as my wife, but she doesn’t see it as a big deal & complains about my snoring’ –

    Shane you are a perceptive man and recognize the problems at hand.

    My suggestion is to start by taking the sex off the table, temporarily. Don’t be scared about that statement. For whatever reason your wife feels disengaged from your relationship and trying to force the first (sex) before addressing the second (the underlying issues that are causing a lack of it). Is like putting gasoline in a car without an engine and hoping that it will move.

    This doesn’t happen overnight, things have occurred that have led the marriage to this. Be willing to take ownership for some of it (not all) because someone has to step up first, you be that man. Admit to her that things you may have done have led to the current status of your relationship and you don’t like where the path your relationship is heading down and want to do whatever you can to change it. After that, start by romancing her again, doing the things when you met that got her to yes, among other things, I assume she wasn’t always to standoffish with sex, correct? So this is a result of something deeper within the marriage.

    Her mention about doing your laundry tells me that a love language of her is ‘acts of service’. Let me encourage you to pick up and read “The 5 Love Languages’ book.

    And lastly, if she senses that your motive is nothing more than getting laid then she’ll sense that and will be very reluctant to put forth any effort. But if she believes that you really want to make your marriage better sex will be the byproduct of those renewed feelings — over time.

    It will be difficult but you can make your marriage better. I wish you the best and hope to hear on how you fair, Shane.

  50. Amy

    Weve been married 45 years and husband hasn’t slept with me in all those years. Weve only had sex, intimacy once, that was our first and last time. He told me he hated sex it was messy, smelly and just plain disgusting. It ment nothing, not horribly exciting, way to much work for so little. He told me that he wanted nothing to do with sex, me or anything in my life. He then moved to the basement where hes built a apartment so he didn’t have to associate with me. i thought he was gay or had something on the side, but I can’t even think who in there right mind would go out with him. Hes a slob long unkept hair and a long white beard, Plus the fact he wears old 60s type clothes. He a horrible looking mess. He probably would be happy living under a bridge or in the park downtown.

  51. Mike

    Shane,
    I feel for you man! My ex didn’t want to do anything physically with me after she had the child. Even a year later she didn’t want to see a doctor to see if it was medical. Nor did she want to go to marital counseling. Now we are divorced.
    FYI: She started sleeping in her own bed before we ever got married. That should of been my first clue…
    Hope Kyle’s advice helps and you can work this out with her

  52. May

    Life becomes immenesly painful when a guy happens to sleep alone right from first night. I can not express by words how it feels when I realize that we are loosing emotional bonding..we are becoming strangers under the same roof…i feel like commiting suicide every night

  53. understanding ones needs

    I myself have been with my finace for 2 years, he has never communicated his feeling to me, leaving on his frustration and anger to build up. He would never say no, it was like he lived his life in fear of people. I to, started to sleep in a different bedroom, the only benefit out of doing this is, if he/she really loves you they will try to find out what needs to happen to be happy again and go back to that bedroom. The one thing i do believe in, as soon as the want to fix the relationship/marriage is agreed upon you should be sleeping in the same roon.

  54. understanding ones needs

    Have you thought maybe you should got seek help for yourself. I know when i avoid intimacy I’m not happy with the same routine of our intimacy is going. Go and find out what you can do to help him with this issue. I like fun and enjoyment in my sex life and if it is just go to the bedroom and do the action is not enjoyable. So see what you might beable to change to help him. If he is between 40-50 his sex drive might not be there. Give him a reason to want to have it. This won’t hurt you either, therapy will always help people in some way. Give it shot and if he doesn’t know why this it happening then changing the outlook of everything might help him to know why it is happening to him.

    Good luck, and just remember if you love him enough, better yourself with information that will eventually help him.

  55. understanding ones needs

    Just deal with the sex issues…sometime a man will not tell their partner that they are bored with you as a sex partner…….

  56. Kyle Bradford – Author

    Mary, I hope you are able to see your way out of this. I hope you speak with him and give him this article to read.

  57. I have been married 14 years to date and after marriage we only had intamacy around twice in three months after my first child was born he started sleeping on the sofa and i thought maybe it was because he needed more space to sleep etc. i was always making excuses I was not allowed to go out with friends and anything i did was questioned i accepted this as love. during this time and since then only has intamacy once and concevied my second child. we do not sleep in the same room and havent done for the last 8 years. I am truley an ideot!

    Just this week now year 2013 asked him to sleep in the same room as me and he created a verbal argument which then after that i recevied a text from him saying he would not come home that night and had to think things threw. He then came back at 9pm that evening and told me i had three days to get out and the kids were listening to all this and he also asked my kids which parent they wanted to live with. Unbeleivable.

    I have deceided enough is enough and the control freak can live alone i am still in the house and caring for my adorable kids and will make sure that i get a divorce i live in dubai and have to wait for him to file a divorce first as i understand. i have been bullied so long i thought that was the norm. I am not sure what woke me up but sleeping alone for such a long time when you know there is a man in the house seemed that we should be intimate. i just want happiness in my life and i ask for only this and need closure with this man. i no longer love him as there is nothing intamacy wise mentally emtionally or physically that we share at any time. I married a control freak ironic as i am so easy going and just wanted to enjoy sex with my spouse happy to work happy to cook have fun and ended up with this ghaddafi ,amazing.

  58. Forlomac

    I’ve been married for 17 years and ever since we had children, my wife has slept on and off in the bed with me. It is getting to the point now that it is really hurting me. I had a tantrum a few weeks ago because I suspect that she has been cheating. I subsequently apologized to her for my tantrum and told her that I am probably insecure. I also intimated to her that I thought she was cheating because she’s been going out more lately, taking an unusually long time to food shop and she’s been working out more at the gym. She cried a little, but never said that she wasn’t cheating. During this time I also told her that it bothered me that she doesn’t sleep in the bed with me. She slept in the bed with me for a few nights after and now she is back to sleeping in the family room or with one of our children.

    My conversations with her are now brief and curt and she acts like everything is normal. To top it off she suggested that we as a family spend a weekend in Philly because one of her “friends from work” gave her tickets to an arena football game. My son informed me that someone from her job plays arena football.

    I get the strong suspicion that she is cheating, but I don’t have concrete proof. The kicker is that she went to a party at lotion party at her girlfriend’s house last night and slept in our bed because I printed out this article and left it where she could read it. A guilty conscious
    maybe?

    Any suggestions on what I should do?

  59. Kyle Bradford – Author

    Kira, I’m very sorry to hear about this situation you’re in. Makes me wonder why he even chose to get married at all. It seems almost from the beginning he had his mind on other things.

    I wish you all the best and thanks for our contribution!

  60. Kyle Bradford – Author

    Forlomac,

    First, I’m loving that you left the article somewhere she could find it. That is brilliant!

    Second, if clues are any sign, they are not pointing in a positive direction. For me, the gym thing is huge.

    If I were in your shoes, I would have a conversation with her, away from your home, neutral location, and simply lay it all out. No accusations, no threats, just a open candid discussion about what she wants and what you want. Trying to get answers on if she is or isn’t will not be the point. Just learning where her head is.

    I would also urge you to be prepared that this could be exactly what she is waiting you to do. She may be hoping that you will take this next step and move the relationship in the direction of divorce.

    Always, you could hire a PI to investigate her whereabouts.

    PS…Should you go down that path and divorce becomes the inevitable reach out to me off line for additional thoughts.

    Good luck!

  61. Hi,
    Im married for 11yrs n 1yr of affair ,we dont have any kids bcoz Im studing . Immarried n not having sex for last 2yrs he started his business last 5 yrs he is continuesly working without a single day off.i spoke wid him he is physical ly n mentally tired .all these things doesn’t comes to remove his mind.he started his doubt ing me,started checking my phone .he becomes insecure.i told him nothing is there, everything is ok but it is useless. He also started sleeping on the floor .he tell me he feels more relaxed.what do i do.he not having any affair .he takes care of me.pls help.

  62. Mike T

    Hey Man I feel your pain. I have been married for 12 yrs. My wife has slept on the coach every night since we moved into our current house 3yrs ago. Her reasoning is the matress hurts her back.(same matress from previous house). I haved talked to her about how I feel, which is pretty dejected, with no change. I don’t think mine is a cheating issue ( no time) I have paid close attention to that. Not sure what it is, but I am definitely on the way out. I have always thought it was the woman that would lose the love and intimacy over a period of loneliness and ejection..but here is a man that has. Trying to hold it together for my wellbeing of my son but it is getting tough

  63. Kyle Bradford – Author

    Mike, wish you the best of luck. Hoping that some of my experience will give you a different perspective and will encourage you to make the best choices for you and your son.

  64. JC

    I cannot believe this article and the posts that followed. I thought I was alone in this.

    I assure you that I made every mistake in the book. I would do something to piss her off. She would stop having sex with me. I then started sleeping with the kids.
    It just spiraled out of control.
    God, I wish I could go back in time.
    I wish I could save my marriage.

  65. Sue

    I am so relieved to read alot of your posts, I am lately not wanting to sleep in the same room as my husband, he jumps (twitches) in his sleep almost every ten minutes or so it seems, is never still and snores like mad. I am no spring chicken and really need my sleep, after a good ten years of this, I have finally put my foot down and told him it is taking a toll on my health and making me really irritable and not the person I used to be, and so I started to go and sleep in another room.
    His reaction has been terrible, he is treating me with real contempt, and it is causing a horrible atmosphere for our kids, he doesn’t believe in separate rooms (even though his mum and dad have been happily married and lived like that for years) and has been like a bear with a sore head and told me that he thinks I want to end everything and just haven’t got the guts to tell him.
    After the first few weeks of his severe moodiness, I did try again to sleep in the same room for a while so as to placate him, but it was just terrible, and I spent time feeling really resentful that his ego had to come first about having us both in the bed, and stuff the fact that I am exhausted and barely able to function at work properly.
    The atmosphere is unbearable in our house and has been for months now, and the way he has been behaving has now made me start to really think about ending our Marriage, whereas it hadn’t crossed my mind before. Everything has changed and I hate it. I know he says has the right to stay in the same room as his wife, but don’t I also have the right to get proper rest and sleep after all these years? I ended up going to sleep in a room downstairs, but now he has decided that he will sleep in there as he is usually up for work early, so as not to disturb everyone, which is good of him, but I never once asked him to leave our bed.
    Who is right?? I am confused and deeply unhappy, I don’t usually make demands in our marriage at all and am happy to go day to day, but now I have done this, he is throwing a proper strop, and if it is me he is annoyed at, why does he have to be miserable with the kids aswell, none of this is their fault. All this hassle because for once I have wanted to put my needs first and it is not on his terms, I need to be able to function the same as everyone else. Thanks for listening.

  66. Kyle Bradford – Author

    Sue, first, you story isn’t all that uncommon as evidenced by the comments below. I believe that your decision has caught him off guard and he is now skeptical of your motives. His anger at your children, in my mind, is more a byproduct – unless you are sleeping in one of their rooms and he then may see that child as the reason.

    Have you considered seeing medical advice regarding his abnormal sleeping behavior? Certainly he hasn’t handled your moving into another room properly but I can certainly appreciate why he may feel that way.

    I have to believe that you can find some medical assistance that will give you the rest you need and give him back the wife he wants.

    Thanks for your kind words and please come back again.

  67. Anonymous

    My husband and I have been married just over a year. We dated for three and had an indescribable connection. Over the past few months, over marriage is failing mesirably. He has not worked a steady job in over 6 months. When I share my feeling with him, it turns into a screaming match. He no longer sleeps in our bed and only wants sex after he’s been drinking. I have explained to him how I feel neglected in all aspects of our marriage. I love this man whole heartly, but cannot go on in this marriage without change. I have a 6 year daughter from a previous marriage, and I want to set a good example to her for a healthy relationship. I have so much built up anger and resentment towards him for failing to help provide for his family and for the lack of love that I am shown. Please help!!!

  68. not happy

    when a women kicks you out it is over, i did it to my x for 5 years, now my boyfriend of 5 yrs is doing it to me. I would like to know why won’t he just tell me it is over?

  69. Kyle Bradford – Author

    Not happy, what was your reasoning for not tell it to your ex five years earlier? I would bet his reasons now are similar.

  70. Jeremy

    This was a spot on analysis. Leaving your bed is a serious mistake if you want the relationship to survive but things arent always black and white.

    My wife had a crappy sex life but atleast we slept in the same bed, came together for some intimacy and went to bed at the same time. Ultimately when I certain event happened that made it clear wife did not have my back, I left the bed and slept upstairs for months. Looking back I should have left the relationship but I had two daughters under age 3 who I needed time to bond with. I knew if I left those kids would be kept from me. My prayers came with the response stay with your babies and get to know them. I eventually came back to the bed, but over time, wife started staying up late and not coming to bed.

    I wanted out of the marriage years ago and wife refused to discuss the issues I raised yet I stayed for my daughters. Over time, wife and I stopped talking and I emotionally shut her out in response to her putting others before the marriage. I think she stuck around to drive me crazy so I would leave. It worked and even my last ditch effort at counseling only brought out the fact we hate each other.

    No man should stay with a woman who puts others before him, especially non family members. ITs like her behavior dared me to do something because she knew it would cost me a lot of money and time with my daughters.

    I waited until it go so unbearable I had to leave and finally left my own home to get away from a woman who loved her friends and computer more than me. Somehow I was blessed to find the 10000 pages of porn she had written with Harry Potter characters having graphic sex and other characters named after our young daughters mingling in the scenes with these kids. It explained what she had been doing our whole marriage.

    The bottom line is once you choose to leave the bedroom you need to leave the marriage. I didnt think about that because when I left the bedroom I wanted to leave the marriage but ultimately I stayed for another 2 years so my baby daughters would know me. Those were two miserable years with silence and non recognition of the other person.

    Sure enough when I finally decided to leave, she kept me from the kids and I am spending tons of money to get access to them regularly. No matter what our personal issues are, little girls need their dad and the lies that were told to them is unforgivable. However, the fact I eventually moved around the corner to show them I was not going anywhere is not something she can just ignore but she does not want me in their lives.

    I have not spoken to her since I moved 10 months ago and will never again in my life. I still wrestle with my decision to leave the bed and not the marriage and return to it to delay a separation that was going to come because I wanted my daughters to know me. The porn will be shown to them when they are older and mommy can explain to them why she spent her marriage paying attention to her friends and writing porn rather then paying attention to her husband. No man should stay in a bad marriage but dont make the mistake I made and leave without leaving.

    If you leave the bed, leave the marriage because like her decision to show she put others before me in such egreigious and open ways told me she no longer wanted to be with me, you either talk and work it out(such efforts on my part failed) or leave so you can rebuild your life.

    Women are stronger than men emotionally and their desire to see you in pain and get your money would cause them to stay in a home forever if they could live the life they want day to day. So once you realize your marriage is over, leave all of it and dont just sleep in another room, kids or not.

  71. Brian

    My wife rarely says “I love you”, sex is about once every 10 to 12 weeks, we started going to separate churches, and we started sleeping in different beds (admittedly I started snoring). What bothers me the most is that my wife shuns intimacy even though she knows it’s important to me. We’ve been married 23 years. I really want to leave her and find a woman I am more compatible with.

  72. Kyle Bradford – Author

    Brian, you’re obviously in a difficult situation. I can’t claim to know what is happening in your marriage, but it does seem that you both are at different points in your relationship. But that doesn’t mean that you can’t bridge that gap, again. I can’t help but think that you both are speaking different languages. Yours is physical, do you know what hers would be?

    A word of caution, don’t confuse compatible with commitment. One costs us nothing, and is therefore temporary. The other costs us much but can last a lifetime.

    I am interested in why you chose different churches?

  73. Ria

    My husband always had a problem going directly to bed to sleep for the night. Grew up with TV in bedroom and always fell asleep in front of it. I never allowed TV in bedrooms in our home for many reasons, one being I need silence and no light to stay asleep. In the last 6-7 years my husband has had a hip replacement and now needs a knee, so he complains our bed is not comfortable. So we purchased a $4,000 mattress and he still prefers to sleep on an old, dirty, mushy sofa in the cold damp unfinished basement. After about a month of this he returns to bed for few nights of sex, promises to try to sleep in bed, but then again returns to his hole in the ground. I don’t get it??

  74. Kyle Bradford – Author

    Ria, certainly don’t want to make a blanket statement as I don’t know all the details, but the fact he has no problem sleeping in the bed when he wants sex then invariably finds his way back into the basement when he has had his fill – that should tell you something.

    It seems very one-sided to me. Obviously him sleeping in your bed together is important to you. Yet he only seems interested in meeting his own needs.

  75. jimmy d

    AGREED! my response….sleep in the other fn bedroom if you don’t want to be here! been there done that. these women are bossy bullies. f that! take crap from no one!

  76. steveo

    I couldn’t have said it better. we’re in the same boat. it’s been 2.5 years. she’s been sleeping with our son since he was born and still does. I’m fedup. I have asked nice, explained why we need to sleep together being a couple. do I really need to explain this? she is never there and if sex happens she leaves the room to sleep in the other room. I’m tired of arguing and talking and making it sound nice. nothing else I can do. I’m fedup.

  77. Peter Papageorgiou

    Wow… so many different stories in the comments… it just goes to show how each one of us has a different story… In my first marriage I can’t remember NOT sleeping in our bed together, ever… although I am sure it must have happened once or twice… I also remember going through the “coming-to bed-much-later-than-your-partner” phase… not a good sign if it carries on too long… in my second marriage it was as you mention in the actual article, once things were on their way out, I was consigned to the couch, then the guest room (I had to tidy it first,haha)

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